I'm So Angry

[Aqua]

I don't know what to do anymore I'm more distant with my family. Especially my mom. I'm always depressed I fake smile so no one asks what's wrong. I can't look in the mirror anymore I hate myself for who I am and where I came from. Everything bottled in for twenty-one years. I'm gonna be going to see a counsellor in a few days but I can't stop slipping back into my old ways. I cut again twice in two days. I always wanna be alone and I'm seriously considering suicide. Nothing is going right everyday I ask myself why I'm here and I have no answer. If you can't come up with one then I was told you should be dead. An old friend of mine listened to me rant about my life and she told me if she was in my shoes she would have killed herself by now. I had over 2000 students at my old high school tell me I should jump in front of a bus some were making bets if I'd do it and when I didn't they laughed and called me a coward. I can't do this anymore!!!! I want the pain to end. I've had enough.
I've been through hell and back and I'm still here breathing and for what everyone around me to spit on me or look at me with hatred and resentment in their eyes. I know I'm not good enough I get that. I hate my life. I hate this. I just want my pain to end. Am I asking too much? If I am just say so.

 

[darrenS]

exactly...youve been through hell and back and your still alive ....why...because you know life is worth living , you know its going to take work but it will get better. Many of us have thoughts of suicide , but they are thoughts ...not actions, we all want our pain to end , but sadly its part of the human condition, every body that walks this earth , suffers from or experiences pain, whether emotional or physical - we can only replace it with the simple things, like looking for positives when it seems damned impossible to do. If you die , sure your pain will end , but so will your life , and you'll be dead so you wont experience any benefits from removing the pain

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Gaara. I am sorry to hear how down you are. I have been a cutter since Middle School. I have tattoos all over to hide my scars. I've had many periods in my life when I didn't cut, but I was still self destructive-drugs, alcohol, overwork, over-exercise. When you peel it all away, all the useless coping strategies that just make things worse, that's PTSD.

I am here to assure you that your life can improve dramatically once you find a therapist that can guide you from the dark to the light. It will be a lot of work. You can learn to ignore those idiots that bullied you. They don't know you. They have no power over you unless you allow it. And you can say you aren't going to listen to them. You are very brave to be reaching out to the forum at such a young age. I know what it feels like to wish I was dead. The emotional pain can be paralyzing. It gets better. Life is worth living. Living life on YOUR terms is something you can learn. I guess your family neglected to teach you that. I know mine didn't teach me anything but pain and fear.

If you have a smartphone, you can get Apps for meditation and relaxation. When my stress is so high that I want to cut it out of me, I meditate. It's amazing to self soothe. It's empowering to be kind to myself and not get sucked into other people's pathology. I hope that you find solace here. Someone is online 24/7 as it is an international site.

As for the cutting, I suggest that you put an elastic on your wrist and snap it when you have the urge to cut. Or hold ice in your hands or place a cold compress on the back of your neck. Or get up and take a hot shower and then drink ginger or chamomile tea with honey. If you can, write in a journal. Get that poison out. I admire your courage. Good luck with your counselor. Recovering from trauma is a long row to hoe, but it is so worth it!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Being alone is a MILLION times better than having "friends" who say if they were you they would have killed themselves by now.

Been there, done that, have the tee shirt.

She is no friend. Say sayonara.

 

[Queen Boudica]

They are the cowards for picking on someone so down. What scum they are.

You are not a coward, far from it. You are brave and strong and facing your demons. Go to the counselling and continue to be brave. Show those witches what true bravery is about. Those who have suffered the most, often make the best super heros

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

I ask myself why I'm here and I have no answer. If you can't come up with one then I was told you should be dead. An old friend of mine listened to me rant about my life and she told me if she was in my shoes she would have killed herself by now.

Immediately get away from these people who are uniformed and toxic to you.

I've been through hell and back and I'm still here breathing.

There's a reason for that. Part of you is tough as hell, man that's admirable, stop for a minute and try and admire that courage.If you strip yourself down in this moment project the anger you have in you back at the voice putting you down, tell it where to go! It's time for you to use the anger in you but for good. Don't accept the inner critic telling you this sh*t.

I hate my life. I hate this. I just want my pain to end. Am I asking too much?

Do you hate your life or your pain? Try and see that these two things are in fact able to be separate.

Hang in there. Fight it, Fight it, Fight it... Use the hate against it, not against you.

 

[Friday]

Teenagers are almost universally idiots. There are rare, beautiful exceptions, but most can't find their ass with both hands. If you'd have jumped in front of the bus they'd be screaming, and weeping, and puking, and demanding to know "why" you did it. Denying they had anything to do with it, just a joke. A few would probably kill themselves over the next few months. A few would develop PTSD. And most would still be clueless.

As far as the "meaning of life"??? This is a question struggled with, by some of the greatest minds in every time period, in every nation, since the beginning of recorded history!

Cheers, and good on you, for ignoring two sets of some of the worst pieces of advice I've ever heard.

Maybe your friend would have killed herself with your past. Maybe my friends would kill themselves with mine. Or maybe they'd make the same choices we both did, or completely different ones. No way to know. As you get older, you'll come to realize that "I would / I would never" are meaningless statements made by people who have never faced that situation. Tons of hilarious mommy-blogs rue that statement (all the stuff they were going to do, and never going to do, when they had kids... That. Oh. Make perfect sense once you're actually living that life!). Most people are too myopic to be able to see why & how other people make their own choices, and you never know how you yourself are going to react until you yourself are in it.

Lastly... When I'm suicidal, most of the time it's not because I'm actually suicidal. I don't want to die. What I want is to not feel this way, anymore. It's a mistranslation. Okay. That we can work with. That we can do something about. It's an important distinction. Especially because it's useful. It gives me an outline, and parameters, and reasonable goals.

 

[Ronin]

@Aqua, Repeated message doesn't mean it's a right message. Just that some assholes got insistent in throwing that untrue bullshit at you.
You're brave. You're strong. You're determined. You're even enough having a clue knowing you need to ask for help, somewhere, and proceeding with that. Good job you, it's awesome you've come to us. *here's a chair*

Please hang in there; the world'd be so much a poorer space for not having you in it.

 

[Nicci777]

I've been where you are.
Fake smiling and seeing no point to living and cutting and drugs etc..
I feel your pain. I hate myself and was with guys that treated me like shit. Finally I realized I was worth more. I found out God loves me so why shouldn't I love me..??
Life was still hard but as time goes by the scars and wounds heal. I'm so suffering the consequences of marrying a man who treated me poorly bc now he treats my children poorly (ex husband). My advice is to choose to be around people who respect you and if you need to feel pain to escape or come back.. There are ways to do that like hold ice until it hurts, rubber bands, tattoos, stabbing things with knives.. I stab a loaf of bread with a butter knife and see the face of the man that raped my kids. I scream and scream. That lets the rage out. Lastly, I discovered acupuncture. The treatments I have had have changed my life. The rage was released. All that negative energy towards myself and people who hurt me has gone away, well the unbearable rage and pain at least.. I urge you to try it. But have your ears done first. Feels like your are getting high lol it's so awesome.. And helps too!! Idk.. I'm here if you need to talk when you feel like cutting or giving up.. I can handle immense pain in others. I actually have my 4 year degree in psychology bc I feel I was meant to help. Plus I needed to understand my f*cked up abusive parents and my own issues lol. That's why most of use get into the field. Someone close to use our we ourselves have been through hell.. Hope I've helped a bit. .. Hugs..