I'm Starting To Fall Apart.

[wagonist2013]

Thank you guys for all your support. It's slowly eating at me as I wait for my appointment. I can no longer suppress these feelings and are with me throughout the day.

I have served 16 years, and still have 4 to go, but I am unsure if I can continue in the service and function like before. I am slowly starting to detach from my wife, kids and family. I spend time by myself laid out crying and expecting the worse the next day. Like I am going out on a patrol, except on a patrol adrenaline takes over and you forget about the dangers, fear, anxiety. I currently find myself fearful of higher ranking than me and I don't know why..

 

[BaMuoiBa]

I have served 16 years, and still have 4 to go, but I am unsure if I can continue in the service and function like before.

Hey Doc, You got a lot on your plate - but stay the hell out of "tomorrow" it's not yours yet, you got to get there to own it. You have to fix YOU first and get some survival tools along the way. The other matters can only be addressed when your head is screwed on straight.

That's your mission - stay in "today" do what you have to do to get your head in the right place. Taking your meds, talking to shipmates, PT till you can't stand up - don't be looking down the RAT hole. Shit, you got 16 under your belt and only 4 in front of you you. Stand tough and make the appointment - you don't have to do it alone. There are many anonymous Vet to Vet support lines - you have to get out of your own head. Don't let the "beast" have it's way with you. Your problem is not unique and neither are you - others here have been there and came out the otherside. Remember, WE > ME you got to put your hand out!

You do the work and we'll have your back.

Ba

 

[Sarg]

Wagonist, you might want to ask about the early out retirement that is on going. Go to www.military.com and read up on it. Because of sequester, they are going to RIF a number of troops. You don't get your full retirement but what you get might be enough to get by.

Good luck!

Sarg

 

[Zipperhead]

It seems that the feeling of inadequacy and failure are even more acute among the support trades than in the pointy end of the stick. So as a corpsman, how many decisions did you have to make that may or may not have resulted in death or prolonged suffering in someone you were sworn to protect? How many innocents did you see suffering, and you couldn't help? At my end of the stick, the rules were simple. If it was dumb enough to shoot in my general direction, it died. I had a foot of armour cocooned around me. I had a 105mm tank gun to beat off the savages. If things were going pear shaped my job was to carry a big stick while other people dealt with the blood and guts. And when I got hit it was someone else's job to take care of me and patch me up. I'm grateful to the poor slob who had to truck fuel through hostile territory so my tank could keep going. I'm grateful to the poor smuck who had to land his helicopter 50 meters away from where I had just blown up. And although it has taken awhile to get to this point, I even appreciate that damned Corpsmen that kept kicking me during the flight back to KAF, making sure I was still with him all the way home.

 

[wagonist2013]

Thank you guys, my appointment is tomorrow. I hope I can get some help and not be pushed away....

 

[wagonist2013]

I went to my appointment yesterday and had uncontrollable crying, I just couldn't stop. I was sent to the ER from there and spoke with a social worker. She told me that she would set me up for a PTSD screening and depression/anxiety.

It was comforting talking to some people who can help and receiving reassurance that this is not my fault and should not feel guilty or ashamed. My command was very supportive also.

My emotions are still the same and I wish with just talking I would feel better. The truth is I probably feel worse because some will now see me different. I was taking verbal a use for the last 3 weeks(part of training) saying I was weak minded and should be ashamed of wearing my FMF pin. All I have done now was prove the right. I have a feeling now that my only way to survive is to leave my Navy after 16 years with my head bowed down in shame...

Thank you for listening to me. I will continue to update as my treatment goes. I pray I get better and go back to being the same Sailor, Father and Husband I was 5 weeks ago..

 

[Jimmy1]

wagonist, mate I will be perfectly blunt with you. As your probably aware, PTSD is a savage beast, it will be with you for the rest of your life, the choice you have though is how often it shows it's ugly head. Admittedly, sometimes you have no choice due to unforseen circumstances, i.e. the amount of stress you are under, but if you keep going to therapy and follow the bouncing ball, so to speak, there is a better future in the distance. It's no easy fix mate, and like an alcoholic or a drug addict, you have to get the majority of the poison out first before you can move forward. Don't be fooled either, some veterans go to three or four sessions, learn a little bit, and because their meds are kicking in, they feel wonderful, until the claws dig in further. You may in the future manage to reduce the amount of meds you are taking, but a word of advice, always work on yourself with a therapist. This forum can help too, a lot of guys including myself have been either saved or improved by the information and the guys and gals on here.

The next and most important thing is your wife mate, it is very, very important that she is kept in the loop and given information about PTSD and how it will affect you and also how it 'could' affect her.

Mate, get her to read through these:

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And watch this.

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I know it's all doom and gloom, but the future ahead is bright if you are willing to do what it takes. There will be rough patches, but PTSD is not fatal if you work on it and not let the 'Beast's' claws get to you.

Smooth sailing mate.

Jimmy

 

[Fargo1]

Wagonist,

Brother don't hang your head in shame. As sick as it sounds, you earned PTSD through your service. You should continue to walk with the pride you have had for 16 years. You paid your dues. You did the job. Now, like an old truck, you have a little rust and need a new head gasket.

As Jimmy said, right now it looks dark and it will be dark again. But once you start working on it, things will get better.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

I was taking verbal a use for the last 3 weeks(part of training) saying I was weak minded and should be ashamed of wearing my FMF pin.

Doc - that's YOUR pin YOU earned it as a heathy qualified corpsman. Your not weak minded and NEVER be ashamed of your service. This is a tough time your going through but it's not the end. The good news is that you've taken the first step and there is peace on the horizon with the help of the professional and others it the field. Once the diagnosis is in place you move forward. They will not instst on you to requal if you are under Dr. care no more that they would send a soldier on a 10 mile hike with a broken leg. There will be opportunities for requal when you are ready for it.

Jimmy has some good sugestions to bolster your support at home with family - they are an important component for your return to complete your career. What you learn about the "Beast" now will help you weather the storms that will surely rise up in the future.

Fair winds and calm seas my friend.....

Ba

 

[jackrabbit]

PTSD is a wound, like any other trauma. There is no shame in being wounded by combat.

None.

If you have to leave the Navy, do so with your head held high. You've earned it.

 

[OIFVet101]

Man, I so relate to just crying when you try to talk about things. I have gone so long and avoided the subject so hard that anytime we even get near Iraq in conversations at home, I feel my chest start to tighten up and tears start coming.

The story about guys giving your grief on your FMF pin just made me angry. You earned that qual in spades, man. Hope things look up and that your chain of command does the right thing and supports you.

 

[wagonist2013]

I was able to get an appointment earlier than expected. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD and put on antidepressant and anti anxiety medications. The psychiatrist believes I can get better but also says that it's up to me if I want to continue my career or not. Basically if life in the military is too overwhelming and the treatment is not working then a medical board is possible.