Dom Violence Im Tempted To Go Back

[trying2movefwd]

It's been 16 months sincei left.i still want to go back. i don't know why. i also just feel like crying. in the moment things do not seem like they used to be so bad.

 

[Friday]

That's the thing about abusive relationships. Most of them? Are mostly good, most of the time. Not only that, but the contrast??? How amaaaaazingly good the good times could be?

People seem to think that abusive relationships start and stop like a horror film. All bad, all the time, and how f*cking crazy would you have to be to go back to that?

But they aren't like that. There's love. And laughter. And good times.

And unlike healthy relationships, grieving those times? Is something not "allowed". Either by other people, or ourselves. So. Much. Grief. Soooooo much lost potential. So many regrets.

It's okay to grieve the good times. It's okay to still warm and happy at the good memories. They were there. They were real.

And so was the abuse.

Which never happens in healthy relationships. People get angry, and no one gets hurt. People cry, but not because of what was done to them. People are afraid, but not of the person they love. People hear the tires on the gravel, and their heart doesn't leap into their throat. People make mistakes, and it's okay. People break up, because something isn't working, but still remain friends. Still can remain friends. They don't have to run.

You didn't leave because of the good times.

You left because of the abuse.

Grieving abusive relationships is long, and complicated, and hard. And okay.

You were right to leave.

 

[hodge]

Yes, @trying2movefwd. This is one of the times you need to remember the bad times. The times that made you leave. Because if you go back, those bad times will happen again, guaranteed. And you need to stay safe. :hug:s

 

[Gs172003]

If you had a daughter or son in your shoes what would you tell them to do?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@trying2movefwd So, do you think it would be any better if you did go back? Would he not abuse you mentally, emotionally or physically because you went back???

Think again.... he would punish you even more for causing him pain(in his mind) and for anything else he could conjure up that would justify him abusing you!

 

[7Cs]

It's okay to still warm and happy at the good memories. They were there. They were real.

I'm just now learning this.
I think it's important to remember those. I blocked most of mine out because to me they represented what I lost, but they don't really do they?

 

[Justmehere]

Things are tough now because the past happened.

It's very common for people to want to go back to their abusers - people who are abused by their partners end to return to them after breaking up 7 times more often than people who are not abused. That's the power of trauma bonded relationships and thinking. :(

Try to resist the urge to escape this grief and pain now by going back to what is unhealthy and abusive, and instead seek a way through this by building up what is healthy and safe.

:hug:

 

[trying2movefwd]

Thanks for the support everyone. I think it's because of the holidays. :/...maybe

 

[trying2movefwd]

So my kids are with him and his family for a few hours tonight and 3 hours Mondays and Tuesday's now ( he is their Dad)...I don't know what's wrong with me. i can't sort it out. A year ago everything seemed bad. Today it seems like that past abuse is no big deal. Like ohh lets all get back together and be a happy family, i can pretend it's all good again and slip into fantasy land. I am crying, but I Know I am just missing the children and missing having a companion however I think i loved x too....oh it's so frustrating!!# im an emotional wreck, all jumbled inside and can't seem to make sense of all this. :banghead::banghead::bawling::banghead::cry:

 

[Deleted member 541]

You may have loved him, but he didn't love you. Love doesn't hurt!!!!! And he didn't respect you either if he abused you, that's not love!!!!

 

[Freedomfighter]

It's been 16 months sincei left.i still want to go back. i don't know why. i also just feel like...

If you have been abused and want to go back you are often in a stage where you have not fully recognized yet that the only way to survive is to go forward. I think our own innocence sometimes prevents us from making the right decisions. We want to be nice, help others, maybe even forgive, but one thing is for sure. Any predator that you return to will already know exactly how to make sure you do not get away a second time... do you know what I mean? Forever for a predator means that he or she will "have" you forever, dead or alive.

 

[Friday]

So my kids are with him and his family for a few hours tonight and 3 hours Mondays and Tuesday's now ( he is their Dad)...I don't know what's wrong with me. i can't sort it out. A year ago everything seemed bad. Today it seems like that past abuse is no big deal. Like ohh lets all get back together and be a happy family, i can pretend it's all good again and slip into fantasy land.

Family court needs to be nuked from orbit.

No wonder you're all in a mess.

Handing your children over to an abuser? Out of your sight, out of your protection, into the "care" of the same asshole you fled to protect them from??? Is a very special form of Hell. The rip your own heart out, murderous-die-screaming kind of hell.

Everyone says "leave"... But that's as far as their brains go. Um. The problem of leaving, when you have kids, is that the courts share custody. So you either have to abduct your own children and live as a fugitive (to lose them & go to prison if you ever get caught; no jobs, no health insurance, no speeding tickets, it's reeeeally not an easy thing to do, and that's assuming your kids aren't old enough to call Dad/Gramma/etc. When your back is turned 6mo later), or both interact with your abuser & hand your own children over to them week, after week, after week. :mad:

In my observation, people deal with sharing custody with an abuser 1 of 3 ways.
- Run,
- Implode-Gutted-Meltdown,
- It-Wasn't-That-Bad-He-Won't-Hurt-Them-They'll-Be-Okay.

OF COURSE going back doesn't sound like such a terrible thing. We all make the decision to walk out into traffic for our kids. When you'd die for your kids? DV ain't shit, compared to that. Going back won't save, them, though.