I'm Tired - Why Isn't Suicide A Solution?

[keifer]

I journal a lot. It helps me write down what I'm feeling now or reflecting back on things. Yesterday was just an angry day. I haven't had one of those for awhile where I'd get angry and then cry. I can remember in August, I would be in just a rage and really cry afterward. PTSD is an experience. I guess I still deny it sometimes. It is something I just want over and done with. I'm a farm boy at heart. I just want it buried so I can move on. It looks like, this isn't one of those things.

 

[StrongHeart]

keifer, you do a great job explaining things, how this all feels, and it really helps us as supporters.

One thing I caution my sufferer against is counting out the whole day because of how you feel for some of it. Instead of an angry "day", maybe you had an angry "morning" or angry "lunchtime" or angry "evening". Even if seemed like the whole day, you had some good parts to it, didn't you? Working through the negativity and seeing positives throughout should help a bit.

 

[keifer]

@StrongHeart Thanks. My memory gets fuzzy when it comes to emotions. I label the whole day. Afterward, I don't remember if I had a good morning or just a bad afternoon. This is why I try to write when I'm feeling those things, because I won't remember it well later. If I'm at work, I don't have time to write at times so those things get forgotten or sketchy.

 

[StrongHeart]

keifer, it's great that you are keeping a journal and writing things down. Do you have set times to write? Also, I don't remember if you said this before, but do you have a tbi? That can lead to the fuzziness and forgetfulness as well as the stress cup overflowing.

 

[keifer]

Typically I write in the morning, at lunch, or in the evening. I write other times as things juggle in my head. Right now, I feel my monster sleeping deep within.

I dont feel like I have PTSD now. But I know my living hell will return.

I dont have TBI that I'm aware of. I can't get anyone to explain what happens to the brain when it thinks it going to die and then gets drugged to cause amnesia. TBI might explain it. It might also be just denial, as I have buried my emotions so deep I dont want to feel them.

 

[StrongHeart]

My sufferer calls it his monster too. He swears he's a badder ass than the monster, though, and he's going to win this fight against the ptsd. The problem is all of the ancillary damage that comes from the battle.

If you've ever had a brain injury or concussion, especially an IED blast or something of the sort, than the TBI (traumatic brain injury) symptoms can exaggerate or piggyback with the ptsd symptoms. I don't remember the nature of your trauma, but I seem to remember it was service related?

Writing is really good, keifer. I'm sending a huge hug out to you tonight.

 

[mamachick]

Thank you Britt. I guess the anti depressant has kicked in because I am no longer in the SI mode. I have not stayed out of bed for a week or more though. I just cant bring myself to get up and shower. Cookies in bed is survival so I wont complain, I have been worse.
Yes, the insurance Nazi's have the ability to steal health for trial periods to save a few bucks. I was so angry last week that I made an appointment with the CEO to explain to him the havoc their un-professionals they dump on people. This is a self insured company. The appt is Friday but I have not been out of the house for over a week and dont know if I can go. I keep hoping I will be better by Friday, but I slid on the steps last Saturday and hit my tailbone and have not sat since either.

 

[keifer]

Demon. The pain doesn't stop. Drunk last three days, no effect.

 

[keifer]

I have a bad headache today. I don't recall feeling that pain over the last few days. I vaguely remember writing my previous note.

 

[anthony]

I look at suicide like this... It would hurt those I don't want to hurt more, much more, than thinking about my own selfish desires to be rid of the pain and anguish that is PTSD. If I am doing anything good, then it is not to hurt those I love, and those who love me.

It is that simple for me!

 

[keifer]

@anthony you are not wrong. But when I feel that pain, it's like dagger in my heart and my head splitting open. I just sit with my head in my hands as it just hurts too much. I'd prefer the agonizing pain of my knee when I felt like puking or crying to that physical pain, this emotional pain crap is just too much. I don't hold it a in at those who have committed suicide as its a living hell and peace never truly comes. Maybe we should all just enjoy pain then!

 

[Emotional Retard]

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Why does everyone always say that?? When I'm really suicidal that saying only makes things worse. It just reminds me that my problems really are permanent.