I'm "too Hard"

[Sideways]

After I saw my doctor last night, she called my T and told him that she was considering withdrawing from my case and dumping me in the public system (the Black Hole of mental health care) because if she'd known how complex my case was, she never would have taken me on.

The hospital worked its magic and I found out.

That's now 12 doctors who have either dumped me, or refused to take on my case because I'm too hard.

Recovery? Clearly the doctors don't believe I'm fixable, so how the hell am I supposed to believe it?

 

[mary1979]

What a crock @Ragdoll Circus.

Everyone is 'fixable' to a degree, those 12 private therapists are all idiots.


You know what though? I used the public system here in the late 90's early 2000's (that always feels like yesterday to me, can you believe we in 2016 already?!!!) and they were really fantastic.

I was living in the country rather than a city then, and the waits between meetings were cumbersome but the help was really good.
Not sure what Qld is like, but maybe public is worth at least a try?

My psych, peter norrie, went above and beyond his professional responsibility to me given that our appointments were only monthly, and we had after hours meetings by phone several times which helped immensely.
And the social worker the state gave me was there pretty much 24/7.

 

[Powder]

I just have no words. That's so frustrating.

I'm not doing therapy because I assume this of myself, and I am self-diagnosing. I assume I'm too broken to be traditionally worked on with success by someone who has not lived through the hell I had to endure as a small child.

In fact, I cannot seem to even bring up anything "real" from within me to therapy, so why go. I will surface "I'm fine" until I'm blue in the face, and I have not enough control over my PTSD/DID to out myself yet. When I think I do have control, I get severe consequences from my system, so I am actually better off leaving it alone, IMHO.

How many people do you know who have had an expensive set of surgeries who can hardly admit that they were better off prior to surgery #1, even if they were in pain?

I know those who have undergone annual surgeries, all failures, making the person nearly dead, until they finally went to JHU in Boston for the $30,000 copay surgery to stay alive in surgery #8.

You either get the best or you leave it alone, in many cases, with physical healing/traditional medicine.

Why not the same with mental health? And traumatized people are not necessarily a mental health case at all.

Early psychoanalysis says "an abnormal trauma leading to abnormal reactions in the person is normal."

It's not necessarily that you're broken as they are not broken enough to understand. That's okay if you understand.

I don't know if I'm making sense because I'm into a deep level that I can't explicate well. This is just the area of my self I wander into from time to time as I wonder how I might heal at all in my lifetime without the aid of traditional medicine.

I come back to what seems to support my life, and no, I'll never "be healed" which I feel is unrealistic for someone who has survived this stuff.

1. self care: body, mind, spirit
2. take in as much positive as I can take (beauty of nature, just a walk, seeing birds, etc.) (I learned this from those I have worked with who had little time left and severe disabilities and lonliness)
3. thank myself for the small goodnesses of my life as if I can take credit for them. "Thank you for ____ in this moment."
4. eat, sleep, and rest for my body's sake, if not for mine
5. coexist as best I can, accept that I am part of nature, not a freak of nature
6. admit that each day that I did some good, and accept my failures as normal and as a necessary part of my life, not a reflection on my character
7. treat myself as I would a friend who has been through a TON of pain and is still in a TON of pain, with utter compassion for all parts of the personality, even the anger and rageful parts.

From my T I learned tips and tricks, and also from books. These small tips are so helpful. But no, they don't undo any of the damage.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Recovery? Clearly the doctors don't believe I'm fixable, so how the hell am I supposed to believe it?

I went through the EXACT same thing. They were free therapists but same thing nonetheless.

You are "fixable" my dear. My therapist said there will always be scars; I wont be the same person i would have been if it didnt happen and i will always have to deal with some things but i can be "fixed" moreso then i am today.

Doctors f*cking suck ass sometimes! This pisses me off!

Look at the house in Clevland, OH; Arial Casteil and what those girls endured for 10 yrs and all 4 living realitivly normal lives. Obviously i dont know their personal struggle but i get strength from that story and those girls!

You are "fixable"!!! MANY MANY MANY :hug:s

 

[intothelight]

@Ragdoll Circus

I had a T tell me that the best I could hope for is to "maybe be functional with daily living skills". She went into the "f*ck it buckit", as I knew that I was a hell of a lot more capable than jut functional. So a little over 5 years later, I am a whole lot more than just functional. Sometimes you just have to try things on your own and find what works for you and sometimes it takes a while to find the right "therapist". The next time I worked with one, I let them know they were there to help me reach my goals and if they couldn't get on board with that then there was no point in continuing. I needed them for their ideas, training and experience to guide me through the work I needed to do to get to where I wanted to be. Maybe not a traditional therapeutic model, but it worked better than some of the others. Just don't give up on yourself.

 

[EveHarrington]

Fixable?

Well you're not "broken" so there's nothing to "fix".

I suppose it's all a matter of semantics though.

You CAN indeed heal. I believe that anyone who works hard can achieve healing. No, we won't all become "perfect" but we can get better. How much healing we can achieve is anyone's guess.

Do you have the option of finding another doctor? I'm not sure what health care is like in your country.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Well you're not "broken" so there's nothing to "fix".

I like that, a lot!

Healing, we need healing from what f*ckheads dod to us but we arent "broken"!

And yes @Ragdoll Circus if you put in the hard work, you my dear can find healing!

 

[joeylittle]

After I saw my doctor last night, she called my T and told him that she was considering withdrawing from my case...The hospital worked its magic and I found out.

Can you explain more what the 'worked its magic' comment means? I'm also wondering - your doc said she was considering withdrawing - but do you know more about what is actually happening? Sometimes, actually, a doctor withdrawing is the smart thing for them to do. I know it's hard to not just personalize this news (because it is personal, of course) - but can you step back a bit and explain a little more exactly what's happening? It might help.

 

[ladee]

Well @Ragdoll Circus, how about listening to all the people here who have walked in the trenches with you, before you and after you.... WE know you can have some kind of quality of life... how much? Who knows... but we all attain something different along the way....
And we don't give the T's and Dr's the authority to define if we are 'fixable' or not... our own will to make changes define that.....but we can listen to people who are struggling as you are... hence being here... I know I believe in you...
You post amazing support for others, you just don't know how to let those same words sink into your own skin, yet !!Yet !!! So you believe those that know you are not so broken you don't have a chance.....we are here for you.... I am damaged, but not broken.... same goes for you and the rest of us on here...sending you buckets of support....

 

[Sideways]

Ok, so I've stopped crying (helpful)...

My T is a guy I've been seeing twice a week for 5 years, and the days we don't catch up, we exchange emails or texts. I see him as pretty much a non-negotiable, will fall apart if I lose him.

He's part of a team that operate from the private hospital I use. I can only keep seeing him if my treating psychiatrist is on the list of doctors with admission rights to this hospital. I can, in theory, go out and find any old psychiatrist to replace my current one, but it actually I'm limited to the finite number of doctors that admit to this hospital. If I go to a new doctor that doesn't have admission rights here, then I'm losing my current doctor, but I'm also losing my T as well.

All 12 doctors I've been passed over by to date have admission rights to this hospital, so the list is getting pretty small (does that make sense?).

To add to the carnage, I've actually already had contact with all but a few of the doctors with admission rights from doctors 'standing in' for my doctor while I've been an inpatient over the years (I spend a lot of time in hospital). When I look at the list of remaining doctors I haven't tried yet (v small list), there's one who I think might take me on as a personal faavour (he's actually closed his books), and one who I think would take me on as a favour (although he refused to when I asked 2 years ago), but who refuses to work with my T.

The alternative is going out into the world and starting from scratch with no doctor, and more relevantly, no T. When I put aside the devastation of my doctor seeming to 'give up' on me, it's actually losing my T that terrifies me the most. I found out about this because after my doc left last night, my nurse relayed the conversation between my doc and my T to me from my file.

I live in central Brisbane, RBH zone. I've been in their system before (my psychologist refused more appointments because "there was nothing else she could help me with"). The bulk of patients in this zone are recovering addicts (that's just the social makeup of the area) and the local team reflect that. Definitely no "trauma" doctors.

If I'm sounding like someone with a bad case of "hopelessness" brain, that's pretty much bang on where I'm at. I see my doc again in 2 days, at which point I find out if I'm out on my arse. If not, I have a doc that believes my issues are clearly not her area, which is...pretty devastating.

I have to believe this is fixable, that I can recover. But I can't do it on my own. And I'm terrified of being abandoned by my treatment team.

Crying again. Unhelpful.

 

[joeylittle]

Hey, thanks for explaining more @Ragdoll Circus - I would be pretty much losing my shit if I were in your situation. It all makes a lot more sense, now.

When I look at the list of remaining doctors I haven't tried yet (v small list), there's one who I think might take me on as a personal faavour (he's actually closed his books), and one who I think would take me on as a favour (although he refused to when I asked 2 years ago), but who refuses to work with my T.

Can you get in touch with Doctor 1 - the one who has closed his books? I think doctor 2 is not a valid option for you because he refuses to work with your therapist, and as you've said, this is a lot to do with retaining your current therapist.

If an anecdote helps: my psychiatrist took me on when she was already full, should not have any more clients, and also happened to be designated as a child and adolescent psych by the hospital system she was working for. I had a random psych, who was horrible, and then met my current one when I was in PHP, and she just agreed to keep me on, I think because she...liked me? I don't know why, but she did.

I'm also wondering if your current doc could potentially share your case file with another doc in the group, for consultation, and if that might not work correctly with whatever current doc is feeling insecure about.

Also - when will you have a chance to talk this over with therapist? You know that your doc and your T talked (from the nurse, who also could be relaying things not totally correctly) - but it sounds like you haven't connected with your T over all this. He might have some thoughts? It sounds like he is committed to you, and could perhaps help solve the problem if the problem comes to pass.

All 12 doctors I've been passed over by to date have admission rights to this hospital, so the list is getting pretty small (does that make sense?).

I'm also wondering if the roster has changed since you first were going through it. Docs do come and go. You've probably thought about this already, I'm asking it just in case you haven't.

Sorry - all over the place, just looking at the situation and seeing where the solutions might be.

 

[Sideways]

I'm actually really grateful for everyone's replies because like @joeylittle said, yeah, I'm pretty much losing my shit.

My T is in Alice Springs this week (if you've never heard of it, that's because it's a blip in the middle of the desert). I've sent him an email and am just praying for a response - anything along the lines of "we'll get through this" would be...it's beyond words how much I need to hear that right now.

Crying, shaking, total mess. I need to just get my shit together and somehow sort this out. I don't know how, and I'm losing my mind at the thought that my doctor wants out, but somehow this situation has to get fixed. How many times do you need to get reminded that your personal version of mental illness is in everyone's "Too Hard" basket???