General I'm Trying So Hard

[LWright1209]

Within the last month, my husband has begun to have serious issues. The explosive anger, being very nasty and hurtful toward me...he finally went to see a therapist on Tuesday. As I am here, obviously PTSD is the suspected culprit.

I am trying SO hard to love him and continue to see the man that I know he is, beyond the rage, but days like today make it difficult. For the past two days, we have made progress. We have been talking and he's been closer to the man I fell in love with (and still love). Today, he texted me on his way home from work and was being nice, and suddenly got angry and has been that way ever since. He threw his wedding ring at me and said the only reason he hasn't left is because he has no where to go. This is the same man who sent me a text at 4:30am saying he missed me and wanted to be in bed with me. I KNOW this is PTSD talking and not his real feelings, but when you hear it over and over it is hard to believe they really care.

I feel very alone, and sad. I am trying to understand and learn more about the disease and how to help us both cope, but he says it is just going to get worse from here...like he's looking forward to hurting me further.

:dontknow:

 

[BethRSA]

LWright,

Thanks for caring for your sufferer. Here's a hug for you :Hug_emoticon:

As I am also a sufferer, I can't tell you how to handle your husband. All I know is that I hear the pain and wondering :dontknow: in the post.

Please know that you are not alone. I trust that one of the carers will give you some ideas to help.

 

[clare]

Welcome LWright,

I'm sorry you feel so alone. As a sufferer and carer (my son has PTSD) I know that feeling helpless and alone make it much harder to be supportive, so keep posting. Please read becvan's info post under anger mgt. on Conflict Resolution. I found it very helpful, maybe you will as well. Also what about secoundary victims counseling, personal therapy or couples counseling? There are a few things in your post that I see as potional warning signs of domestic abuse: "explosive anger"-has he hit you? or threatened to?, "he has nowhere to go"- is this true? is he feeling trapped?, "it is just going to get worse from here"- was this said out of frustration? or is it a threat?

I may be way off the mark here and don't mean to upset you. I just hope to prevent PTSD related domestic abuse whenever I see signs. I hope you find healthy ways to provide support and improve communication.

Take care,

clare

 

[LWright1209]

No he's never hit me, nor has he ever come close...or mentioned it. Actually, today is much better. No, he isn't his "normal" self, but he actually recognized that he was getting "off" and told me. He's gone out of his way to make sure that he doesn't take it out on me, and even left the house a few moments ago to get some air to help his mood. He is being affectionate like he used to be, and is making an effort to show me that he loves me even though he isn't feeling ok. I know there are going to be good days, and bad days, and until we get this managed there will be a mix of both.

He has 3 days off from work (he's a police officer) and we are going to spend them together. He even told me that he is going to do his best to talk to me about how he is feeling and what is going on. Unfortunately, his therapist didn't set another appointment until the 30th, at which he will also see a psychiatrist.

I promise, if there was every any indication that he was going to hit me, one of us would have to leave.

 

[amethist]

Hi LWright.

Welcome to a wonderful place for help and support.

You are going to have to learn to put yourself first now. You will have to look after yourself or you will not be able to help him.

Be there for him, help him, support him all you can and ignore him sometimes too. Whatever you do don't push him too far too fast, ease him along subtly so he thinks it's his doing.

It's a bumpy ride so hang on. It will be down in the depths one minute and souring in the clouds the next, until he can get on a level playing field.

But all the time take care of you.

Best wishes

Amethist

 

[pebbels]

Hello LWright

I feel your pain, frustration and confusion:Hug_emoticon:

I would just like to advise either couple counciling for you both or for you on your own, as it is important you have support as well and some one to vent to. LOVE alone is not going to fix your husband.

He needs a therapist who deals with traumas, and as much as it is his journey to healing and finding better ways to cope and control the symptoms of ptsd it is very much your journey as well because you to need to learn a whole new way of approach, what not to do and looking after you whilst on this rollercoaster ride.

There are informative threads all over this wonderful forum that will help you and if you can get your husband to join as well even better.

Look after YOU, that is very important and NO excuses for any behaviour that puts you in jepardy, know your boundries as it is so easy to be dragged down yourself and lose who you are with all that is going on at present.

Wishing both of you all the best:smile:

Pebs

 

[Lily1635]

My husband is a police officer also. He has the same issues you mention in your post and I also have felt like I was always trying so hard and getting nowhere. But my husband does not see that there is anything wrong with his behaviour and has chosen to leave the marriage. He refused to get help.

I have read a lot of posts and was wondering, not all PTSD sufferer's have all the symptoms? Or at least that is my understanding and my experience. I've read other's stories of the horrible things that have happened to them. And about the anxiety attacks, flashbacks, etc. Compared to some others here, I think my husband has fairly mild PTSD, but even though it is mild, it is still very nasty to live with. He got all the symptoms that cause him to be an extremely difficult person to live with. He thinks he is fine because he doesn't exhibit some of the symptoms that he had when he was first diagnosed with PTSD, such as acid reflux. He said he doesn't feel the same as he did then so he must be just fine and there is something wrong with me. That is his logic anyway and it has been very hard being blamed for everything when I know that I did try to make things better.

Did your husband recognize his own problem and seek help? My husband got help through his department the first time around and was eventually run off. He is now working in a different state and would probably not take the chance again of asking for help. I hope it goes well for you, better than in my situation. Good luck!

 

[Shoka]

Dear LWright,

I can related to how you feel alone. I feel most alone when my bf (also a police officer) is triggering. I usually make it a point to come to the forum when I feel alone, because then I realize that others are experiencing this.

I can also relate to the sudden mood swings- the one minute he texts you he loves you and the next minute it's the opposite. I just went through this before coming to work this morning. One minute he was hugging me, telling me and being affectionate and literally 15 minutes later he was telling me to "watch out" because one of his triggers was going off. I'm glad for the warning, but it's still hard to watch the mood swing (and scary).

It's great he's getting help. You should seek out support for yourself too. Its not easy to be a carer.

Shoka

 

[Nerdanna]

Hellow LWright,
You have so much to learn from the previous posts. My husband and I have been together a very long time and I know exactly what you are going through. Fortunately, he went for help and is on medication for his mood swings, but that doesn't mean everything is perfect...they just don't come as often. I have been told he was going to leave so many times I've lost count. And he has at least 3 times in our 17 years together. They consisted of him storming off with his car full of some of his stuff, staying in a hotel for one night...then coming back the next day apologetic. It used to hurt so terribly in the early days before we were both educated about PTSD, but now I just look at him and walk away. We have been to counseling together over the years and he has gone alone several years ago. We have a teenage son who has had to learn very early about PTSD. You have to be really strong and set your own boundaries about what you can take and what you can't. And by all means take care of yourself. This forum is a wonderful way to seek support especially if there is little in your own community.
Best wishes,
Nerdanna

 

[WillIsurvive]

All I can say is that I feel your pain and that you are not alone. My husband was diagnosed 1 year ago, but only this year has it gotten worse. Like you, one minute he's the man I met 9 years ago and the next he's raging and angry. I love him though and the more I read about PTSD the more I understand it's an illness and not his fault.

You can be strong for him, read, read and read some more. Grieve your loss and allow him to grieve too. You can move forward. Take care of you!

 

[jesssotelo09]

Not alone....

I have been looking for a site where I can learn more about this and also meet and find some friends or women like me that I can share and talk with when times get tough like this, but I can completely understand where you are coming from.

I have been with my husband for two years and when we first met it was completely different. He had just left the military and we were single with no cares other than ourselves and our personal things. It wasn't until we finally agreed to be a couple and intertwined our lives that things became unbearable and complicated. I became pregnant early in our relationship, he became controlling, jealous, overbearing, and angry. Luckily we were both at the end of our ropes, he attempted suicide and I told him to get help or I would leave. He did, he went to the VA hospital was diagnosed and put on a treatment plan.

We still have rough days, every other day is fight, it is emotionally draining and sometimes I just want to throw in the towel because who wants to live a life being sad, angry, resentful, etc... especially when kids are involved right? But, then in the end I remember he's still the man I fell in love with and the good has always outweighed the bad. I can't tell you it will get better or that one day he will get fixed, because from what I know so far, it is a choice as a spouse that we have to make to deal with it and learn to accommodate our lives to theirs. Life as we knew it or liked it will never be the same.

The triggers come and go, I think spiritual strength has helped me and just knowing that underneath the nasty things that come out of his mouth and so on is a very hurt, scared, and lost person, and how could I ever abandon the man I love for that. BE STRONG and know that there is always us.