In Being A Spouse

[Nise]

When I talk with people about my husbands PTSD or a physical disability he has and say how he cannot do X they always get "So you want to make him do X" or "So you want to guilttrip him into doing X" but I don't. I just want to talk. Why does everybody get me wrong?

Sometimes it is good to talk, to see you are sacrificing a bit, but in the long run it is okay, do you know what I mean? Like any young person I would like to do certain things, go to the movies with my sufferer or whatever. It turns out some of those things will never happen. It is okay. I accept it, but why am I not allowed to talk about it?

Why do people have to tell me "But you are not giving anything up", when of course I am giving something up, but it is okay.
I really like it when people tell me they think we are pretty strong or that I am pretty strong. I hate it when they tell me they feel sorry for me and I hate it when they tell me I am being selfish.
A sufferer has told me he thinks spouses are being little heros. It was years ago but still it makes me so happy. This was a very nice thing to say.

 

[Aze]

That is an interesting perspective. I'm trying to come to terms with the things that I give up for my CPTSD spouse (movies, concerts, etc.). Thanks for sharing.

 

[Osiki]

i think they view maybe that if your really ok with giving things up, then there wouldnt be a need to talk about giving the things up - especially with your husband? Maybe im reading it wrong, and apols if i am? Its also ok to not be ok with having to make sacrifices - its not an easy thing to do. Not having seen any other threads ive no idea how you talk about making sacrifices, but i guess its expected that sacrifices are done for no other reason than you want to, with no conditions attached. I guess it boils down to maybe deep down your not ok with sacrificing so much, and thats totally fine - but there needs to be an outlet for that in some way, otherwise bitterness creeps in

 

[Ife]

Nise here. Well, nobody likes to give things up and of course it hurts and feels unfair, but sometimes we have to. I guess it is just how life is. However it is easier if people aknowledge it and much harder if people tell you that you are not the one with the PTSD and have no idea what he went through and so on.

People often tell me "but that's worse for him than it is for you". Of course it is, who would ever doubt it? But when I talk about something it is not because I want to blame him. It is only because I need to talk.

Like I said nobody likes to give up things, but you can give up things with a happy heart or with a heavy heart. So why not make it a bit easier for spouses?

 

[Ritinir]

You are as much a victim of the ptsd as your sufferer. Not to say the degree of suffering is the same. You have a right to the support you need for dealing with his mental illness. The responses you are getting are just rude imo. If I were to vent about the difficulties of dealing with a spouse's cancer the assumption wouldn't be that I'm unwilling or resentful of dealing with their illness, but neither would I be expected to enjoy how it affects me. I don't see how it's different.
Personally, I think it's social stigma being directed at you. I have had similar reactions. I think it's bs. Hope it gets better or you find someone to talk to that understands you better.

 

[Gugol]

Could you tell me more about the reactions you got? What did you do?