Relationship In Deep Pain

[iluvdesserts]

Hi,
I'm Iluvdesserts, new and happy to have found this site. I'm in love with a sufferer. Yesterday, he told me to move on. He said this once before, in the beginninng stages of our relationship during our pre-sex stage. My feelings for him are deep. He has never spent more than one weekend with me nor have we ever done an activity for fun together. It is something about him that makes me want him so much. Maybe I am co-dependent, maybe not, I don't know. We've been on and off for two years, almost three. He has left me twice before. When he returned this time, he said he would prove himself. He didn't. Instead, he seemed to look for an excuse to leave by telling me to move on.

I know his temperment and am trying to measure that against his disease to determine how to proceed. He knows I don't want to be without him. He said that because he was scared to ask me to go above and beyond the call of duty for him, and I kept asking for him to explain and give examples, that I pushed him into telling me to move on. I told him when he dismissed me that I loved him and would never have left him. His response, my comment had nothing to do with the problem. This all done by text messaging. I begged for a phone conversation and was denied.

What to do now? I don't know, haven't done anything. Wrote an email professing my love and agreeing to blindly do whatever he asks that is above and beyond duty, but haven't sent it. In the past when I've done this, begged for him to not leave, he has ignored my pleas. So, I'm tired and scared and haven't done anything.

What do you suggest I do?

 

[Dee Morris]

I suggest you move on. :(

I know that's not what you want to hear but he is telling you loud & clear that he is not ready to be in a relationship with you. Believe him.

You can't make this better for him & it could be that the relationship is distracting him from the work he needs to do to get better.

BTW, you should never "blindly do whatever he asks". That's not healthy for either of you.

 

[iluvdesserts]

I suggest you move on. :(

I know that's not what you want to hear but he is telling you loud & clear that he is not ready to be in a relationship with you. Believe him.

You can't make this better for him & it could be that the relationship is distracting him from the work he needs to do to get better.

BTW, you should never "blindly do whatever he asks". That's not healthy for either of you.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and offer a suggestion.

 

[sisu]

Hello, I'm sorry you are going through this - and I am sure you feel a lot of pain right now. So please take care of yourself. :tup:

As far as your situation, you cannot force someone to love you or want to be with you by professing love or promises if they aren't ready, able or don't want to be with you. I believe the ones with PTSD are even more sensitive to this type of "smothering of love" and it makes them want to look for places to run. You need to be a strong woman secure in who you are in any relationship- but even more so with a man who has PTSD.

I agree with Dee - it is not healthy for you to "blindly do what he asks"....and actually that statement sort of frightens me. And if you can (easier said than done..) step back and take a look at your relationship - you said in the 2-3 years that you have been off and on with this man that you have never done anything together for fun & he has never spent more than one weekend with you. Then ask yourself..."is this what I truly want from a relationship?".

My boyfriend (who also has PTSD from combat) and I do lots of fun things together and see each other 2-3 times per week and talk on the phone multiple times per day every day. We laugh, have fun and enjoy just hanging out together. This should be something you want in your relationship too.

I think he needs to stand by his original promise and "prove it to you" if he wants to be with you. You are worthy of great love!

~Sisu

 

[iluvdesserts]

Thank you, Sisu, great points.

Some I thought of (not forcing someone to love me), others I didn't think of ("smothering of love"), thank you, thank you.

A part of taking care of myself is reading and posting on this forum, and you are helping.

Appreciate it.

<It is not necessary to quote the whole post, or the one directly above your reply>

 

[iluvdesserts]

Well, an update. After his text telling me to move on, I told him I loved him and would've never left him. A few days later, he let me know that he doesn't want me to move on. He says what we are going through is killing him and hurting us. He says he has to deal with some emotional things and it'll take him a while. I tell him, I'm going to have to think about whether or not I can deal with that. He gets angry, says after he opens up to me, I tell him I have to think about it and says that this is now making him "doubt us all over again." Was he saying goodbye then? My response to him was I was crushed by him telling me to move on and that's how I reacted to his instructions. And if he hadn't told me to move on, I wouldn't have really considered thinking about him taking time to be with me. I thought my response was a human reaction, although it didn't work well with him and I wish I could take back those words. Wish I would've said nothing.

As I type this, and think about it, sounds like we're playing a game. But, it doesn't feel like a game. I truly love him. Didn't confess my love again, thought it would be a burden. I called back after last conversation, he didn't answer, left a message. I waited a few days and sent an email begging him to forgive me for saying I had to "think about it". No response. Almost ten days, no phone calls, no return email/text. Guess he left for good. I can't get out of bed. I eat sporadically. I can't function. It hurts so bad. Think it would've been better had he said move on again, at least I'd know. But he didn't say those words. And I would do almost anything to have him back. I love him so much.

 

[Trembling]

Dear iluvdesserts,
to read your posts hurts, and its hard to imagine how much pain you are going through, but he seems to be a controlling type besides or due to the PTSD. If you do not react the way he wants you to react, or the way he imagines you to react, he is upset with you. You cannot give up your life completely for someone else, who would not do the same for you, without loosing yourself and the happiness all of us deserve.
Cannot say much more, as I know its hard if you love someone deeply.
I wish you could move on, but at least do some things that made you feel good before you met him...it sometimes helps a bit.
Good luck!

 

[iluvdesserts]

Trembling, you are sooo on point with your assessment. It feels "controlling", I know that deep down, but am for some reason, willing to deal with it. Don't know why I don't feel like I deserve more happiness. Maybe I need therapy for that, looking for a therapist. Wish I could do some activities or things that made me feel good before him, but honestly don't know what those things are because I didn't do that much before I met him. It is hard when you love someone deeply, I want it to work.

Thank you for replying, reading it makes me feel like someone cares and understands.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

I don't have advice, just wanted to let you know that you are being thought of...

(((((((ILD))))))))

 

[iluvdesserts]

Aaaaawlll, thank you sooo much. I'm teary eyed.

 

[sisu]

Trembling makes some good points. You should never be sorry for how you react or what you say in a particular situation - unless it is mean and hurtful. What you said was exactly how you felt and not mean or hurtful. You were willing to give him space and time to think about all of this - he should be willing to do the same. He has stated he needs to sort out some things and told you how much this break up is killing him - and that has not changed even though he is not responding. Sometimes when PTSD is on full attack it makes everything feel so much worse than it is....he is not thinking straight and he reacted to what you said exactly how he saw fit at the time. It doesn't make it right - and it doesn't make it wrong. He did feel betrayal because of what you said because his perception of the world is a bit off kilter right now. What you said was NOT a betrayal, but a human reaction to a question.

Give him some time - give yourself some TLC. Find a therapist for yourself and do something nice for yourself every day until you start feeling better again. Even something little like taking a bubble bath or eating dessert for dinner (since you luv desserts :p) When you have a bit of distance and perspective on this, write him a nice email and let him know that you are there for him - or whatever you feel the need to say.

Take care!
~Sisu

 

[iluvdesserts]

Sisu-
"He has stated he needs to sort out some things"-he said he could do this while we are together. I didn't say that in my earlier post.

"and told you how much this break up is killing him - and that has not changed even though he is not responding."
Sorry, I wasn't clear. He said he didn't want to break up and me not doing what he tells me to do is killing him. His control, coupled with PTSD (perception of the world being off kilter) is confusing to me. I don't know how to interpret him.

How do you think it is "killing" him?
How would you suggest I interpret him?
How would you suggest I respond to his feeling betrayed?

I feel I'm not betraying him, I feel like I'm honestly facing, and examining the problem, head-on, so I can decide if I can deal with it. If I decide to deal with it, I will give him my best.

"Sometimes when PTSD is on full attack it makes everything feel so much worse than it is....he is not thinking straight and he reacted to what you said exactly how he saw fit at the time. It doesn't make it right - and it doesn't make it wrong."
How do I understand this and not say the wrong things that makes us distant from each other?

"Give him some time" - how much time?

"When you have a bit of distance and perspective on this, write him a nice email and let him know that you are there for him - or whatever you feel the need to say."
I wonder after I give him time, will he still be there wanting us to be together? I know, no one knows that but him.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Very good points. Lol, you're so right about giving myself some TLC. Feel guilty and scared to do that. Think that if I'm having a great time while he's in distress, I'm betraying him. Hahaha, eating desserts is my fav-or-rite!!!!! I will eat my favorite desserts.