Relationship In Deep Pain

[sisu]

His need for control over you is him desperately grasping at anything to "feel" in control of something (not unlike a small child throwing a tantrum) - sounds like he is near is bottom..Hopefully this will motivate him to get the help he needs. You are NOT betraying him in any way - his perception of everything is off kilter right now. Please do not blame yourself for any of his reactions.

Okay - here is my story in a nutshell (to give you a better understanding of my perspective and why I say what I do...)
My BF and I have known each other for 5 years.....we met, fell in love and had a wonderful and beautiful relationship for almost a year. Then my guys PTSD hit full force and I had no idea what what was going on. I knew he had PTSD, but it had never really appeared to effect him so I guess I didn't take it serious enough. Well he shut down, shut me out and when I did see or talk to him he was so detached I had no idea who this person was. He was never controlling at all - just the opposite for him - each person is different. He knew I'd be happier with someone else and there was no convincing him otherwise. I tried anything and everything to get him back....emails, phone calls, texts, cards, etc. I smothered him with my love and my support - stupid and wrong. It didn't make him want to come back to me - it made me look like a desperate nut - and it made him run away further. So...I gave up and we didn't talk for 2 years....no calls, no emails, no texts, no nothing! I had moved on - he had moved on and I never ever thought I'd ever see him again - although he never truly left my thoughts.

We reconnected May 2009 and every feeling, every bit of attraction and love and more was still there. He had grown and I had grown and we were both in a better place. I never stopped reading about PTSD even though I thought I'd never see him again - not really sure why. So when we reconnected I had a much greater understanding of PTSD and because of my reactions to him and his PTSD he felt more comfortable sharing with me and making himself more vulnerable as he knew I understood. We are in a really good place now.

So with that said....I cannot tell you what to do - because only you know what you feel. My advice to people is that you have to follow your gut. Not your heart and not your head - only your gut which does not lie. Your heart is full of love so you want to give him every chance - your head is full of reason so you will bargain with yourself (if I do that he may think this...). Only your gut is non thinking and only feels the truth. Once I decided to follow my gut insticts everything seemed to fall into place.

Right now it is important to take care of you. You are the only one that you have control over - and no one has control over you.

Sisu

 

[Trembling]

Dear iluvdesserts,

if you are not the person with PTSD you will not or never be able to fully understand the moments when the other part tells you certain things, such as I need time, your words are killing me...and so on, they cannot tell you how much time, as they dont know themselves, this is only up to you, if you wait, even it might be a waiting time with no happy ending.
As my love told me, you dont understand NOTHING, you are so wrong, and even worse, I thought everything I believed in was gone, BUT - that is the moment, where he was not thinking straight but in his world he was right, but at the bottom of life, falling off the cliff.
Your man will come back, if he decides to, no word of pressure!

All the best

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Iluvdesserts (me too),

I am so sorry you are in pain over your man, I recognise the feelings I have had myself. PTSD is a moster, it is bigger than you, me and the original personality of the sufferer. The disease is a life long state and living with someone who has it is a life long commitment.

That's not to say it can't be treated and doesn't get better, speaking from my own experience it took over 20 years, 2 husbands and a range of therapists to "normalise" my behaviours and thinking. Can you really face the prospect of a lifetime of the pain you have now?

If pain and confusion make you feel you love someone, I might question your definition of love and ask you to refelct on why you feel drawn to hurt your self and call it love. Love is not pain, rejection and fear. Those feelings sometimes happen in life but in my opinion they are not the foundation for a good loving relationship. Fun, sharing, intellectual and emotional compatability, care and respect come top of my list.

You cannot heal this man, you cannot make him change, you cannot remove his PTSD - only he can decide to heal his wounds. The healing process is long and fraught with challenges, relapses and to support someone through this takes a great deal more than "love".

I can't tell you what to do, you will follow your own path, but I know what I would do.

My now more healthy self would run a mile, live through the pain and symptoms of grief (not sleeping, starving/bingeing, crying and feelings of eternal emptyness and despair) and let him get on with his own healing process. I would find someone who wanted to be with me, who was available and respectful of my needs.

Good luck and all my hopes are with you - whatever you decide.

 

[iluvdesserts]

Sisu, Trembling, and Pale Warrior, Wow, what an awesome testimony to your experiences. What you all went through for years, is incredible. Thank you for sharing, for your empathy and understanding. You all provided a lot of "dessert-for-thought". I'm going to keep your advice in mind while in therapy. I don't know what I'm going to do. I know I can't change him. I know he must work on his own healing. I know I don't fully understand PTSD.

I hope you don't mind if I continue to ask for feedback as I go through this?

Thanks again.

 

[iluvdesserts]

"

His need for control over you is him desperately grasping at anything to "feel" in control of something (not unlike a small child throwing a tantrum) - sounds like he is near is bottom.."

If he is near bottom, what does that mean in terms of his life? Not just me. I want him to know I'm here when he hits bottom and he can depend on me.

"You are NOT betraying him in any way" - feel like I am betraying him, thanks for telling me the truth.
"
"....when I did see or talk to him he was so detached I had no idea who this person was."-wow, that's deep.

"...we didn't talk for 2 years" -we didn't talk for over a year, and I never gave up on him returning to me, and he did.

"We are in a really good place now."- we aren't.

"My advice to people is that you have to follow your gut." Very good advice. Actually scared to trust my gut. Don't have enough strength.

 

[Pale Warrior]

I hope you don't mind if I continue to ask for feedback as I go through this?

Thanks again.

Ask away! I am in the postion where I am both sufferer and supporter.

My beautiful husbad (who helped me through the final stages of my transition from uncontrolable emotional wreck to functioning wounded) got his own PTSD form a catastrophic RTA 7 years into our marriage. The night it happened I knew what was comming, like some awful premonition.

That said, I am no expert, my thinking comes from personal experience and a bit of reading around.

Feel free to pick my brains and ignore anything I say!

 

[iluvdesserts]

Thank you.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

ild, you keep asking, we'll keep answering as best as we can. We aren't shrinks, counsellors, or any other form of professional advisors. But we have all suffered at the hands of the PTSD monster, and we are all still here, we can only tell you what we did to get through it. And we can tell you where we bumped our heads, maybe you don't have to bump yours as hard, maybe not at all?

Be kind to yourself....

((((((((ild))))))))

 

[iluvdesserts]

SeekingSerenity, Thank you, all of those things you mentioned will be very helpful.

 

[iluvdesserts]

Pale Warrior, I keep reading your response, over and over again. Paragraph by paragraph. I go back to the top and start all over. I want to say thank you. Your response is like a Therapist's. It's thought provoking and very insightful.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

 

[iluvdesserts]

Trembling, I read your post, over and over again and it is very helpful and insightful. Insight I would have never known. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

[iluvdesserts]

Sisu, I continue to come back to your message to me when I'm feeling down. Looking for relief. Reading paragraph after paragraph, trying to apply your lessons to my story. And reading your story, that you so kindly shared with me is so healing. Thank you, thank you, thank you.