Relationship In Deep Pain

[Trembling]

iluvdesserts, things said here are the sad but also happy experience of real life! I am glad that my para helped you, end even if it just shows you that you are not alone, I know this is what we, at least the new ones, really need.

Many people, like myself, focused their lives on time, time that passed, time which will come, what will be?
But at the end what really matters is the now, and the very close future such as this evening or tomorrow morning. And of course, what is it what you want and need?

I wish you good luck, and do not loose yourself, we are important too, I realized that now.

 

[ProudWife99]

iluvdesserts (Yum, me too!) - Like the others posting here, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Sometimes, when we feel that way, surviving it takes all the energy we have. Know there does come a time where the pain subsides. Maybe not entirely and definitely not immediately, but it does happen.

I agree with what everyone else is saying, but I did want to add something I learned. When we learned how severe my husbands PTSD was I had no idea what I was doing. I pushed when I should have waited, I waited when I should have pushed. I honestly felt like I was doing all the wrong things. Sadly, PTSD has a way of bringing about the most terrifying confusion and we can't seem to grip onto something we cannot understand. What I did learn over the course of time with my A is that I could NOT put saving my marriage over saving the man I loved. When he couldn't be with me I wanted to kick, scream, and cry "BUT I LOVE YOU" and scream some more. I even did that once or twice. What I learned was that my love had to be communicated through understanding, because that is all he could receive.

When he asked me to see a divorce attorney with him I thought I was just going to collapse then and there. Instead, I reminded myself that this was his illness and he had to face it and no matter what I said or did was going to change that. Moreover, my begging and pleading would only A) feed into his disillusion and B) push him away more. I calmly told him I wasn't going to go with him, but if he wanted to go that was his choice.

Six months later we are more happily married than we have ever been. We have our ups and downs daily, but we both know the priority is to stay safe and keep our own symptoms managed. If the other person is unable to facilitate those priorities, we give ourselves space. I guess what I'm saying is you talk about this deep love you have for him, use that love to remind yourself you're not just doing this for YOUR health and safety, but for his as well.

Take care of yourself.

 

[iluvdesserts]

iluvdesserts (Yum, me too!) - Like the others posting here, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling.
Thank you.

I pushed when I should have waited, I waited when I should have pushed. I honestly felt like I was doing all the wrong things.
I feel like I do this too!!!! Sounds so on target. He hasn't talked to me in over two weeks. Not sure if I should push or wait. I'm waiting but am afraid that's the wrong choice.

What I did learn over the course of time with my A is that I could NOT put saving my marriage over saving the man I loved. When he couldn't be with me I wanted to kick, scream, and cry "BUT I LOVE YOU" and scream some more. I even did that once or twice. What I learned was that my love had to be communicated through understanding, because that is all he could receive.

I'm learning that love has to communicated through understanding the hard way. Understanding seems to be key, but it feels like it's going in s-l-o-w motion. Could you give me an example of communicating it through understanding? Thank you.

Six months later we are more happily married than we have ever been.
Yay, yay, yay!!!!

I guess what I'm saying is you talk about this deep love you have for him, use that love to remind yourself you're not just doing this for YOUR health and safety, but for his as well. Take care of yourself.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm tearing up.

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[ProudWife99]

I'm learning that love has to communicated through understanding the hard way. Understanding seems to be key, but it feels like it's going in s-l-o-w motion. Could you give me an example of communicating it through understanding? Thank you.


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Honestly? It sounds harsh but sometimes I have to pull out my kid gloves when I'm talking to him (which he has to do for me sometimes too!) Example:

A: RAWR RAWR RAWR I'm so mad and it's all your fault!
Me: I understand you're angry right now and you feel like I've done something to cause this. Please calm down so we can discuss this. We can't make sense of this when you're yelling.
A: I DONT WANT TO CALM DOWN I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE AND THATS WHY I'M SO MAD.
Me: I understand that's what you feel right now. I am so sorry you feel that way and I understand at this point you need some space. We'll talk again when you can respect me as much as I'm trying to respect you.

And then I run into a bathroom/my car/ anywhere alone and cry and kick and scream and cry some more. It is so difficult, but I understand that is how I have to handle him sometimes. He shouldn't yell at me, he shouldn't say things that aren't true, but at that point in time he believed them to be true. I couldn't change that and I couldn't stand around and beg him to calm down. I could only understand that was him at that point and by leaving him be that way, when he calmed down he knew I understood. The most important point was that when he was ready to talk I tried to make sure it went like this:

A: I'm sorry I got so angry. Those things I said weren't true. I do love you
Me: I understand that sometimes you feel those things. They do hurt me, but I know you don't mean them. I will continue to walk away when you yell and disrespect me, but it doesn't meant I'm not coming back. I understand this is hard and I'm proud of you for trying.

I didn't rub in his face how awful he'd been or hold it against him. When you say "I forgive you" or "It's Okay" you have to mean it. Holding their behavior over their heads only sets them off again. The times it actually went that way I saw a huge difference. Not that it even happens that perfectly to this day, but it's a mold I try to follow. I do know if I stay calm he has no one to rage at but himself. My T says "If you leave the room he can either stop yelling or yell at the wall, but either way he'll feel like an idiot"

 

[iluvdesserts]

Thank you, thank you, Proudwife for your response, was very insightful and helpful. Helped me view the differences between others and my situation.

ProudWife99, Honestly? It sounds harsh but sometimes I have to pull out my kid gloves when I'm talking to him (which he has to do for me sometimes too!)

Doesn't sound harsh to me. I pull my kid gloves out too, all the time.

Example:

A: RAWR RAWR RAWR I'm so mad and it's all your fault!
Me: I understand you're angry right now and you feel like I've done something to cause this. Please calm down so we can discuss this. We can't make sense of this when you're yelling.

I've given that type of response, his response to that is he's still mad and has to do something harsh, like reconsider our entire relationship because of his anger. He then decides when we hang up or when I walk away, not me.

A: I'm sorry I got so angry. Those things I said weren't true. I do love you
Me: I understand that sometimes you feel those things. They do hurt me, but I know you don't mean them. I will continue to walk away when you yell and disrespect me, but it doesn't meant I'm not coming back. I understand this is hard and I'm proud of you for trying.

He never comes back and apologizes directly. It's always indirectly and is an explanation for the cause of his actions, which was always due to my actions. I didn't rub it in his face either. I did explain that because of his behavior, I had to think about things. Maybe to him, that seems like I'm holding his behavior over his head. On Mar. 17, it will be a month since he's spoken to me.

Thanks so much for taking time to give me an example. I'm in a lot of pain. It hurts badly when one is ignored and not spoken to. Feel like he left me, again.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

(((((ild)))))

I'm sorry ild, I know the feeling of needing but not getting an apology too, and then pushing the blame onto me. It cuts really deep... :(

I pray for the day she is her old self again :cry:

 

[iluvdesserts]

Thank you.

 

[ProudWife99]

I forgot to mention that THOSE types of conversations mentioned above are after years of counseling both together, and separate. One thing I can say about my wonderful husband is that as soon as he realized how much damage he was doing to himself, me, and our life together he put everything he had into his counseling. I sometimes take that for granted.

Unfortunately for you it sounds to me like there are still some aspects of denial (especially because everything is YOUR fault). That makes it so much more difficult because in those moments you can't help but wonder if you truly could have done better or done something different. Just know that you could have rainbows coming out your rear and always say the right thing and someone suffering from PTSD will find error in it. They need those errors to express the rage they're feeling under the surface without dealing with their own trauma. Avoiding that trauma is part of the reason for the PTSD in the first place.

I so hope you can continue to heal and take care of yourself. I think of you and your situation often and hope your situation improves.

 

[iluvdesserts]

ProudWife99, congratulations on going through and finishing therapy with your husband. Thank you again for the explanation, it makes great sense. I read your posts, over and over again. Each time, it helps me and gives me a meaning for what's going on.

I so hope you can continue to heal and take care of yourself. I think of you and your situation often and hope your situation improves.

I appreciate your well wishes. I've started therapy alone. I've had only two sessions, but I hope I'll be able to better take care of me because of the work I do in therapy. I'm not expecting, nor asking him to go into it with me. He's mentioned that he's not in favor of it when he mentioned his past experiences.

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