In desperate need for a time machine

[Sunnydays1]

I have a question that I’ve asked before in a previous post but it wasn’t my main topic I only brushed on it briefly.
So I’ll bring it up to be my main topic because it’s important.

I have a need to be in my childhood schools and roam around inside and remember myself as a child, to fulfill this need once a month I go to my childhood school when it’s empty and I sit there and soak in all the feelings it’s bringing up in me, I enjoy it very much.
I also like watching anime I used to watch, and the music.
I need everything related to my childhood.

I don’t have a strong recall of my childhood, I mostly remember myself outside of home, at school, and playing with my friends outside or at their houses, I imagine (if I could) I’d also like to revisit those places!

What I’m needing basically is a time machine to take me back to my past, it can’t happen. So I’m left with an ache in my heart.
I won’t ask if anybody else feel the same way, because very few people in this forum do, it’s mostly just me. And that’s very lonely. In real life as well, I try to reconnect with my childhood class mates/friends and i can’t because they don’t share the same sentiment as I do and that’s very healthy of them, to leave the past behind and live in the present and look forward to the future.
My question is:

-Why do I have this IMMENSE need to go back and be my child self again?

-How do I truly fulfill this need and not just a temporary fix? What do I do? I try to understand myself, I’m grasping onto something and I can’t get enough of it, what is it?

I also visit my previous college and sit in the library and remember myself from that time.. so I guess it’s not just a childhood thing.. maybe I’m trying to escape my current very difficult adult life and go back to a sweeter time. I can’t live my current life and I need to go back to myself.

I hope you will understand me, if not please ask and I’ll explain more.

Thank you

 

[Sunnydays1]

Thanks Sideways
I love what you’ve written, I can actually do this.

Would it be possible for you to incorporate parts of your child self into your current self? There’s no reason that all “childish” things have to be put away just because we get older. Some of the things that made our childhoods feel fun and carefree can come with us into adulthood.

I’d love that. This is why I like spending time with my niece, we play and go out sometimes for fun activities, I also enjoy buying her games.

I bought my child selves a pair of roller skates not that long ago because they loved roller skating (and they’re not wrong - it actually is pretty fun!).

I started doing this recently, spending time in stationery shops buying colorful notebooks and stickers and fun gadgets etc. and I feel great doing that. I can only relax and have fun alone or with children, with people I become very rigid no matter who.

enjoying skating as a 40 year old who happens to still have a sense of kid-like fun. That’s now part of my current self

This is what they call in psychology “integrating” my child self into my current self, I think that’s what I'm trying to do when I go back in time/place. I’ve been doing this for years, I mean it seems that I’ll always feel this way about my past self.

Yep.


Not definitively, no.

I’m saying that -as someone with a trauma history- it’s shouting / waving flags / fireworks / fete / all kinds of lit up as “book ending” (creating a hard stop/start, with fresh memories, to help lock away other memories) but we also see what we’re familiar with. Someone with a different history? Might very well see something else.

Thank you Friday, I think I get what you're saying, but not fully, I’m sorry, if you could please explain again in simpler straightforward words..

I’m not diagnosed, but I do think that I meet the criteria to be having cptsd from childhood/teenage years.

 

[EveHarrington]

Have you ever done any inner child work? Anything like IFST? Tapping into a child “part” can be cathartic if done the right way. You can learn why this inner child needs and you can in many cases provide this to your inner child. I have done inner child work and part of that involved telling her that she’s safe (she knows I will always fight to protect her). I used to do things to make her happy like going to the playground. I was able to re-learn things like her favorite things, and it was amazing because they are things I had forgotten over the years.

To clarify, I am not talking about DID, and I do not have DID. This is a different type of parts work.

 

[Friday]

Thank you Friday, I think I get what you're saying, but not fully, I’m sorry, if you could please explain again in simpler straightforward words..

I’m not diagnosed, but I do think that I meet the criteria to be having cptsd from childhood/teenage years.

You’re pulling up your elementary school & college memories. Over and over, again. Keeping them as fresh as possible. By physically going there to immerse yourself in memories.

Okay. So? What happened in between those memories?

 

[Sunnydays1]

Tapping into a child “part” can be cathartic if done the right way.

Thank you EveHarrington.
Yes! exactly. I sure have done inner child work for a whole year every week, I was seeing an inner child/parts work facilitator, she was certified in life coaching but not in psychology, she was young (30) and inexperienced and she herself had heavy childhood trauma that she was processing herself at the same time. She did a number on me, I became worse than before I saw her, her sessions gave me more anxiety than before, and after a year of "inner child work" I had a crisis and became suicidal and I stopped seeing her. I still hate her for what she's done with me, I believe she knew she wasn't helping but she just needed the money.

Now I don't feel good hearing the term inner child work and I think it's a 'new age' scam. It's how I feel about it after I've had a bad experience with it.

You’re pulling up your elementary school & college memories. Over and over, again. Keeping them as fresh as possible. By physically going there to immerse yourself in memories.

Okay. So? What happened in between those memories?

This is much clearer thank you!
Actually, it's not just elementary and college, I like to go back to childhood from 9 all the way up to college, so all of my youth. Nothing happened between elementary and college.

In 2017 I started doing inner child work (as I've mentioned above this post), then I had a crisis end of 2017, this is the time where it started, I mean the condition of wanting to go back in time.

Maybe the 'inner child work' caused it? Because before 2017 I've never had this condition.

After my crisis, I saw a therapist, I told him I want to be my original self again from before 2017, he felt it's not related, after 3 sessions and hypnothery I stopped therapy because he wasn't helping, and it's very expensive.

 

[Sunnydays1]

Hello again
Can I get more responses and thoughts on this please?
Like, why do I have this inclination to long for the past and look backwards, it’s not very productive.. it hinders me going forward.

 

[Rose White]

why do I have this inclination to long for the past and look backwards, it’s not very productive.. it hinders me going forward.

My guess is…

You’re pulling up your elementary school & college memories. Over and over, again. Keeping them as fresh as possible. By physically going there to immerse yourself in memories.

As a form of distraction and dissociation because looking at the other parts of your life seems too difficult/painful/uncomfortable.

My suggestion would be exposure therapy to the stuff you don’t like looking at or thinking about, preferably with a T, in small bite size pieces with coping and grounding skills built up to deal with the discomfort that you’re trying to avoid.

 

[Sunnydays1]

My guess is…

As a form of distraction and dissociation because looking at the other parts of your life seems too difficult/painful/uncomfortable.

My suggestion would be exposure therapy to the stuff you don’t like looking at or thinking about, preferably with a T, in small bite size pieces with coping and grounding skills built up to deal with the discomfort that you’re trying to avoid.

Thank you OliveJewel
I think you're right. Then my title should've been "In desperate need to escape my reality and teleport to another time/space!"
I understand perhaps it would it'd be helpful seeing a therapist, but I'm not too thrilled about it, given my past experiences with them.