In desperate need for a time machine

[Sunnydays1]

I have a question that I’ve asked before in a previous post but it wasn’t my main topic I only brushed on it briefly.
So I’ll bring it up to be my main topic because it’s important.

I have a need to be in my childhood schools and roam around inside and remember myself as a child, to fulfill this need once a month I go to my childhood school when it’s empty and I sit there and soak in all the feelings it’s bringing up in me, I enjoy it very much.
I also like watching anime I used to watch, and the music.
I need everything related to my childhood.

I don’t have a strong recall of my childhood, I mostly remember myself outside of home, at school, and playing with my friends outside or at their houses, I imagine (if I could) I’d also like to revisit those places!

What I’m needing basically is a time machine to take me back to my past, it can’t happen. So I’m left with an ache in my heart.
I won’t ask if anybody else feel the same way, because very few people in this forum do, it’s mostly just me. And that’s very lonely. In real life as well, I try to reconnect with my childhood class mates/friends and i can’t because they don’t share the same sentiment as I do and that’s very healthy of them, to leave the past behind and live in the present and look forward to the future.
My question is:

-Why do I have this IMMENSE need to go back and be my child self again?

-How do I truly fulfill this need and not just a temporary fix? What do I do? I try to understand myself, I’m grasping onto something and I can’t get enough of it, what is it?

I also visit my previous college and sit in the library and remember myself from that time.. so I guess it’s not just a childhood thing.. maybe I’m trying to escape my current very difficult adult life and go back to a sweeter time. I can’t live my current life and I need to go back to myself.

I hope you will understand me, if not please ask and I’ll explain more.

Thank you

 

[Sunnydays1]

I wanted to edit to add but there’s no edit.

to clarify more:
The idea is not that I want to be young in the same way that we all want to be young forever and not become old and dependent, it’s bigger than that.

If I understand myself correctly I feel that maybe my child self is dead and I’m wanting to revive it by revisiting the old places i used to frequent from that time, and by doing that I feel joy, and safety from that time. Now why and where the thirst comes from I don’t know.

I know something is wrong for having this over-nostalgia, that has started 5 years ago.

Hope I explained better this time.

 

[arfie]

I won’t ask if anybody else feel the same way, because very few people in this forum do, it’s mostly just me.

i guess i'm one of those few, sunny, because i very much feel this way, even after decades of psychotherapy. you explained it well enough to get me sighing in hopes that you really do find that time machine and that you will let me know if you do. none of my own designs for a time machine have worked. not yet, anyway. i'm still trying but, at 69, i'm growing a bit weary of the effort. may a younger genius accomplish the task. if you be that genius, i will happily trade my entire earthly estate for your end product.

alas, here in my stuck place in the real world, i'm giving radical acceptance a try. it is what it is, whether i like it or not.
might as well learn how to like it, warts and all.

 

[Sunnydays1]

i guess i'm one of those few, sunny, because i very much feel this way, even after decades of psychotherapy. you explained it well enough to get me sighing in hopes that you really do find that time machine and that you will let me know if you do. none of my own designs for a time machine have worked. not yet, anyway. i'm still trying but, at 69, i'm growing a bit weary of the effort. may a younger genius accomplish the task. if you be that genius, i will happily trade my entire earthly estate for your end product.

alas, here in my stuck place in the real world, i'm giving radical acceptance a try. it is what it is, whether i like it or not.
might as well learn how to like it, warts and all.

Thank you arfie :) while I’m not glad you feel the same way, it’s comforting.

Radical acceptance sounds more sensible!

If I may ask you, what’s the cause behind those feelings in your case?

 

[arfie]

i am a child sex trafficking survivor, sunny, a la happy days (50's/60's). in my dreams, my time machine will be well-used, if i ever find the blasted thing. maybe i'll find it in my space ship. beam me up, scotty. there's no intelligent life down here.

but here in that confusing space between naps (reality), radical acceptance has been far more feasible. gotta work with what's available.

 

[Sunnydays1]

i am a child sex trafficking survivor, sunny, a la happy days (50's/60's). in my dreams, my time machine will be well-used, if i ever find the blasted thing. maybe i'll find it in my space ship. beam me up, scotty. there's no intelligent life down here.

but here in that confusing space between naps (reality), radical acceptance has been far more feasible. gotta work with what's available.

I’m sorry to hear that.

So you want your time machine set to the 50s and 60s your happy times.. I understand.. I wish I could provide that for you, and for me as well!

Escapism is one coping mechanism.

 

[Friday]

The idea is not that I want to be young in the same way that we all want to be young forever and not become old and dependent, it’s bigger than that.

“Rehearsing” memories is the ONLY way (known to science at this date) to keep them fresh & active.

If you’re actively rehearsing early childhood & college? That tells me something happened in between those times, that you’re attempting to bookend. IE avoid. To keep the barriers fresh and active, to contain what is elsewhere.

.oo2

ETA… Most people do that, to a degree. With charm bracelets. Photographs. Tokens of important times. That they carry with them, between the chapters of their lives. That a token is insufficient? A memory is insufficient? You’re 100% correct in it speaking LOUDLY of the time itself, or time between. Again, pretty classic ‘avoidance as a symptom’ as well as ‘avoidance as a coping mechanism’. IE you’re doing your l3vel beast to block off SOME time period of your life… from the rest.

 

[arfie]

So you want your time machine set to the 50s and 60s your happy times..

nah. . . child prostitutes don't get many happy times. the further i get from my childhood, the happier i am.
i'd be rescuing children from the perverted underbelly of those socially distant happy days.
maybe blowing up a few hypocritical stage sets?

gee. . . why have so many shrinks suspected me of the superhero syndrome, eager to leap tall social injustices in a single bound?

 

[Movingforward10]

Sounds like you are very much searching for something. And I agree with @fridwy, what does that mean you're avoiding?
And I agree with @arfie about radical acceptance.

The feelings the past evokes for you: is there a way of giving those feelings to yourself in the present as opposed to going to past places?

Is there a way of changing your thoughts? What the challenges are now, and seeing what's in your power to make those better, even if just a bit?

 

[Sunnydays1]

“Rehearsing” memories is the ONLY way (known to science at this date) to keep them fresh & active.

If you’re actively rehearsing early childhood & college? That tells me something happened in between those times, that you’re attempting to bookend. IE avoid. To keep the barriers fresh and active, to contain what is elsewhere.

Thanks Friday.

So, what I’m doing when I go back in time/place is called “rehearsing memories”?

To make sure I understand, you say the reason I like to keep on going back is: Because I’m avoiding something that’s happened at other times..? The time I go back to is my school years, my past self.

IE you’re doing your l3vel beast to block off SOME time period of your life… from the rest.

I’m avoiding my current self.

A few years ago, I dabbled in energy work and “shamanism” (that was a very bad idea and the worst time of my adult life), they (energy workers/shamans) believe that a person can lose a part of their soul after going through trauma. I thought (at the time) maybe that’s what’s happening with me, I do feel that I’m not myself, this is why I’m wanting to be my real self, and my real self is my childhood self.

I’m not into any of that energy stuff anymore. But the idea of a soul loss resonated with me because that’s how I feel.

 

[Sideways]

I’m avoiding my current self.

Would it be possible for you to incorporate parts of your child self into your current self? There’s no reason that all “childish” things have to be put away just because we get older. Some of the things that made our childhoods feel fun and carefree can come with us into adulthood.

I have DID, with a couple of very young parts, so it doesn’t bother me at all that sometimes I have to get into really childish things to just be me. I’m in my 40s now, but I bought my child selves a pair of roller skates not that long ago because they loved roller skating (and they’re not wrong - it actually is pretty fun!).

Instead of trying to reconnect with the places where they used to skate and recreate the past, I bought a pair that suits my current self, and when I go skating, I stay in the present, enjoying skating as a 40 year old who happens to still have a sense of kid-like fun. That’s now part of my current self, that I can enjoy and embrace, irrespective of some of the judgmental looks I get. Who cares if I’ve got a smile on my face a mile wide!?

 

[Friday]

So, what I’m doing when I go back in time/place is called “rehearsing memories”?

Yep.

To make sure I understand, you say the reason I like to keep on going back is: Because I’m avoiding something that’s happened at other times..? The time I go back to is my school years, my past self.

Not definitively, no.

I’m saying that -as someone with a trauma history- it’s shouting / waving flags / fireworks / fete / all kinds of lit up as “book ending” (creating a hard stop/start, with fresh memories, to help lock away other memories) but we also see what we’re familiar with. Someone with a different history? Might very well see something else.