Supporter Girlfriend to veteran boyfriend with ptsd and about to deploy in desperate need of guidance

[Freida]

Granted, he’s gotten pretty good at pretending for others that he is okay.

Yep. and after a while you forget how NOT to pretend

I don’t know how I’d be able to prevent him from deploying again....

You can't. The only way out is for him to admit there is a problem. And that is so very hard to do. Admitting you need help for ptsd is the ultimate failure. It means you can't handle it (whatever it is). You are letting your team down and you are giving up. You are a nutjob who can't handle things everyone else can. and so on and so on

Taking that first step..making that first call... yea. Scariest thing I've ever done. Way scarier than what caused my ptsd in the first place

The intervention might be a good thing but not to force him to get help. He doesn't need that. He needs to know it's ok to need help and to ask. His battle buddies or someone he respects (NOT loves -- respects) need to show him it's ok to ask for help. I was lucky enough to have a combat vet help me understand that at the beginning . If he said it was OK to ask, it was ok. Because he was someone I respected. He had been down that road and if he could do it so could I

 

[Help me!!]

Yep. and after a while you forget how NOT to pretend


You can't. The only way out is for him to admit t...

Yes I definitely get the feeling he feels he will be a failure if he goes for help so he refuses even though he knows he’s hurting himself and the person he loves most. I see that it’s tearing him apart to hurt me and leave me but he won’t get help and I know he’s the only one who can do that for himself. I’m honestly considering talking to his friend (the one who is retired military due to explosion and PTSD) to see if he will talk to him. As I said before his friend has received counseling and doesn’t deny his PTSD. His friend has apparently started to notice his behavior changes as well and has been noticing he’s been lying to people about simple things to hide his behavior. I don’t know if asking his friend to speak with him, is crossing the line? I get the feeling that having it come from someone who is military is the only way he MAY listen. Thoughts?

 

[Freida]

Once I connected with my military guru it was MUCH easier for me to accept I needed help because he had helped his guys get thru their ptsd treatment. He was a sergeant so he had the credibility I needed that a civilian couldn't give me. It's not really easy to explain but it's almost like it gave me permission to fall apart and also gave me someone who had helped others thru it so he knew how I was feeling. It's finding that person who speaks your own language.

We run into the same thing in 911. When I say... 1S33 was 106 on a 6F and needed C3 to get sus 1019 after shots fired.... it means nothing to people outside of 911. But those inside know that sentence sent me home with nightmares.

Talking to his friend behind his back is stepping over the line -- and he may be totally pissed off at you and end your relationship over it. It's a risk you have to be willing to take to try to help him. I wish I could give you a better answer but....

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'd think twice about discussing his mental health with outside parties. That is a huge violation of trust. Trust is hard won with PTSD sufferers.

 

[Help me!!]

I'd think twice about discussing his mental health with outside parties. That is a huge violation of...

I think you’re right. I don’t think there is anything I can do anymore. I think I need to just let him go. I love him so much but I can’t care more about his own well being than he does himself.

 

[Freida]

Sometimes the hardest part of loving someone is letting them go......

 

[help me!!]

Sometimes the hardest part of loving someone is letting them go......

I know.... you’re right. Thanks for talking & listening.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Not everybody who is dating a soldier is a goldigger or after Tricare. The "dependa" stereotype is tired.

We have a whole subsection of this forum for supporters. A lot of them are in relationships with combat vets. Tricare is hardly an incentive, trust me.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I have been dating the same man for almost a year now. For several months we were together in a long distance re...

First I would like to say that I absolutely feel for you at this time. I have read and have experienced this same thing. I see a commonality with sufferers which allows me to learn more about my own experience. Please understand that there’s nothing you can do except continue to support him, if that’s what you want. The work to get better is his job. Give him the space he obviously needs right now because of your trying to help is making matters worse. I learned that the break up is because they love you and you shouldn’t take any of it personally. Ptsd is a beast that controls every aspect of a suffer’s life, so all we can do as supporters is give time and space to those we love. Try to be strong for him and try not to show your feelings because feelings and emotions (especially sadness and loving) can be terrorizing for them. It’s going on 6 months since my ex and I have been in each other’s presence or had a real conversation; we were inseparable before that. So believe me, it takes a lot out of both parties involved and you just have to gain an enormous amount of patience.