scout86
MyPTSD Pro
I'm not saying that your mother has NPD. But, I've had some family members that my T thinks really do/did, so we've talked about dealing with them. I finally asked him, "So, there's really only two choices, avoid them or kill them?" He cringed but say that was basically true. The thing is, with that kind of disorder, and for the people who live along that spectrum of behaviors, no one else DOES have a right to cross them. And they are incredibly good at twisting things to suit their world view. When my mom died, there was a conflict with my brother. I finally hired a lawyer, because there was no way I could carry on a conversation with him. After a few weeks, I got a call from the lawyer. He said my brother had called him. That he had wondered why I hired him and now he knew.I've not yet found a way around that particular filter of hers to explain my position in a way that makes sense to her.
Part of this might be the way I'm wired, but I see a difference between "closeness" and "smothering". I've spent quite a bit of time observing apparently "normal" families. (Which, maybe, sounds weird.) What I've noticed is that families can be close and still appreciate family members for who they are. I've actually seen parents who seem to delight in finding out that their kid has unique interests that make them different from everyone else. And I suspect a healthy kind of closeness is more possible there, because the kids actually feel accepted. What happens in your family sounds more like "control" than closeness.My family believes "healthy" is defined by "closeness",
Earlier they didn't HAVE to. They raised you to believe that fitting into their box was your job. I"m REALLY impressed that you ever came to question that.They might claim now that they never tried to fit me into their box,
For what it's worth, I wish you didn't feel that way! You sound like anything BUT a burden. At worst, you're shaking things up a little for them. And that's uncomfortable. But I think we have to get outside our comfort zone to learn anything. Granted, they probably aren't all that interested in learning.In reality, I feel like a burden and a failure to be changing in a way that is so painful for the people around me.
Something that seemed to bring at least a vague sense of peace in my family (probably false peace) was that my mother had her ideas she expressed about what her relationships with people were. Most of them weren't accurate, but she was happy with them. So I tended to leave them alone, even if I thought she was way off. I was lucky, because she really didn't care enough about me to bother with me. She had her labels, I didn't care, and we each went on with our lives. She was more involved with my brother. (They each thought they could "handle" the other, and I've heard both of them say that. LOL) So, if there's a way your mother can have her ideas of "what" you are, even if they aren't accurate, and you can do your job AND live your life, that might be the best you're going to get out of this. Even that seems like a tall order.for her to judge my behavior by how close she feels to me,