In Need Of Advice

[ConfusednWondering]

Hi! I'm new to all of this, so bare with me....
I recently began dating a guy that suffers from ptsd. His ptsd is a result of an extremely traumatic, near death accident a few years ago. When we began seeing each other, I knew that he still dealt with "issues" (as he refers to them) resulting from his accident.....constant cronic pain and flashbacks......but I had no idea what was about to hit me. I've never believed in "love at first sight" but it was almost instant with us. We had known and been attracted to each other for years prior to going on a date, but we both agreed that once we actually became romantic we have an undeniable connection. He has even told people that he was going to marry me one day. Everything was magically, much like a fairy tale and then everything went bottom up. I didn't know what was going on. All I knew was that this man couldn't get enough of me and then all at once, he wanted nothing to do with me. My first reaction was to respond with anger (which he can't stand) because I felt like I had been feed a line of bs and used. But he kept saying, it's not you....it's me. I just need some time to figure things out. After a few weeks in a conversation, he mentioned that he had ptsd. I began researching it and EVERY single symptom listed for the disorder, described him completely. So I then let him know that I supported him and I loved him unconditionally. That I would stand by him no matter what and wasn't going anywhere.....that I would wait on him and that we could get through this.

I've been doing my best to practice the things I am reading.......not pressuring him, keeping the lines of communication open, being patient. B4 all this started, he called or txt me multiple times during the day. Since it's started, it has been weeks and the only time we talk is when I contact him and then he just answers whatever I ask.....there is no conversation between us.......and we haven't spent any time together. I have no1 to talk to about my feelings. My family and friends tell me to loose him. That no1 deserves to have to work this hard to be with somebody and that I shouldn't have to study psychology to date someone. I do not agree with this......just because he suffers from this disorder DOES NOT mean that he deserves to be written off as a waist of my time. I love him and I'd walk through fire for him. BUT I'm not sure if he's still into me. Guess that's my question......can anyone tell me how to know if this distance is just the ptsd or if it actually means he's not into me but doesn't know how to tell me. I know that pushing people away and being distant is typical of the disorder, but is it normal for the pushing away to last for weeks and months at a time? I don't want to give up on this. I want to stand by him and go through the good and bad times together.....but if he doesn't want me to do that, then I need to know that too. And I can't get him to say anything about "us" to me other than it's me, not you. Can anyone help me? And does anyone have any suggestions for books or other materials I could read to educate myself more on this disorder? Thanks!

 

[Zipperhead]

It's normal. Head on down to the supporters section, you can read all about it. Please try to remember though, supporters come here to vent. There is very little there about the good times. Try to keep your hope alive. If he is getting help, things should get better.

 

[jo may]

Hi confusednwondering:)

All that you have said is normal suffer behaviour, I'm like it with my husband who I love dearly.
I tend to push him away when I fear he's getting to close. I panic and can get snappy but he's been good as gold with me. And even though we don't show it, it is nice having someone you know care about you.

Zipperhead is right the is a good supporters site here and my hubby's on it.
Good luck with your journey.
JM :tup:

 

[Dee Morris]

I think it's great that you want to be supportive but there is also a point that you have to make sure that you are getting what you need out of the relationship. As much as you shouldn't leave the relationship because he has ptsd, you shouldn't stay for that reason either.

 

[ConfusednWondering]

Thank u all! I will def check out the supporter pg. And I do not stay w him bc of the PTSD but I will not leave just bc of it either. I stay bc I know he is the one I want mote than nething. I also know I may not get that though bc it is a two way street. My needs r def not met bc rite now if it weren't for me, there would b no relationship. How long does the distant part last? How long do u push ur husband away b4 u let him back n ur life? And should I keep askin him to spend time w me n c me or is that just pushing him further away?

 

[jo may]

ConfusednWondering,

Well everyone is different so I can only speak for me and my husband.
And we haven't been together 1-2-1 for nearly a year and the last time he felt bad as he felt he had moaned me into it. But that wasn't the case, but since than the idea of it makes me very stressed and I feel quite sick.

I've been pushing my husband away for over a year now, I even threw him out and told him I was going to get a divocre. But 8 months later he was back living with me and I'm very glad he is to.

I love him very much and if I'm honested he keeps me going on a daily basis, but I don't tell him that and I don't tell him I love him. I'm constantly worried he'll get fedup and leave me.:)

 

[Srain]

ConfusednWondering,

Everyone is different and love is love. Support is vital for yourself as well as your loved one. There are many good books available and you can view some of the suggested reading material on this site. I'm grateful that my husband has been very good about staying informed and being aware. It's not an easy road but no relationship is easy all the time.

I've been with my husband for 10yrs, we have never separated, this is the longest EVER I've been consistently in the relationship without taking off time and not being under the same roof. I've been married before but they were unhealthy. I do take my space, it can last awhile but I am responsible for working on my "issues" (oddly, that's what I call it too). I think, my opinion only, that in this type of situation if I were on the other side of it, I would have to be sure that the Survivor was at least trying to do things to get better, something, anything, talking about it to someone, a support site, just to give me an idea they are trying to move forward. But that's just me.

I am glad you are here looking for support, this is a great site for that, lots of good information. You must take care of yourself as well.

Peace,
Rain

 

[wcdean]

ConfusedNWondering-

If you have any questions, feel free to message me. It sounds like his "experiences" and mine may be very close if not identical. My wife is on here as well, in the supporter section. She and I can both relate to what you're enduring. After all I pushed her away, all the way from Houston to California, before I finally began to "come around" to the idea of being comfortable in a relationship.

We are happily married now, and I do not know what I would do without her... or perhaps I do and that scares me even more. You do not have an easy road ahead, but like others have said, there is or will be a point where a decision will have to be made; either by you, him, or you both.

On a side note, if you could please try and limit the use of shorthand/texting type acronyms. It makes it difficult for some of us to read. As for resources to find out more about PTSD, you can look around via the web and read anything you find, as most everything I have read seems to be pretty accurate. However here you will get it from the "first hand" experience perspective, otherwise known as the "horse's mouth" (or in my case sometimes the "horse's... umm posterior region"). To me, that makes this the best resource out there without a doubt.