In The Belly Of The Beast

[Leah123]

My mother just left. She stayed in my home for a week. My worst enemy with the exception of my father, who I've divorced completely. I let her stay in my home, polluting all my things, filling my beautiful space with her poison, crowding my once-serene home, for one reason. When I was 22, she had another child, and so now I have a little brother. I lost too much family already. I won't lose him. I'll do anything for him, and he needs the safe space of my home as much as possible until he's old enough to leave hers forever.

But that doesn't mean I like being submissive. Holding my tongue all day, every day, biting back the true words I should be saying to her. Pretending indifference, the best act I can manage, when what I feel is deep disgust and hate.

I couldn't manage her visit very well, but I did manage it. I gave up a lot of little battles, suffered a lot of indignities while she was here to win time with my brother. She is abusive, controlling, passive aggressive, unpredictable, rude, paranoid, thoughtless, crude and poisonous. She betrayed me deeply in my youth, and was not a good mother. But, I did my part to help my brother, to help him hold out hope for better days, for adulthood. I managed to get several hours alone with him, an amazing victory as she trusts no one, not even me. And my little brother needed me, and I was there for him. It was all I could do.

I'm so upset. I'm TIRED of not being able to make things right. I'm TIRED of giving up family, of having nothing to hold on to from my past. I won't give up my brother.

I'm glad I can at least say it all here. I feel sick from her visit, need to purge it. Just writing this, I'm bursting with tears. I did what was right for me, but... it's hard to do the right thing, drink the poison, even for my brother, of course, I'll do it again and again until he's old enough.

Why is life full of these ugly trade offs. Sometimes, I feel everything I get has such high costs, I don't know why it has to be so. I may sound petulant, but I don't care. Some days, the world seems little unfair, and I don't have the perspective to be okay with that.

I survived a whole week with her. I feel... like I haven't been breathing the entire time, and my lungs are finally opening back up. It was terrible. Very scary, very challenging, just AWFUL.

And I can't even justify confiding in my therapist anymore: I've spent so much on therapy lately, I'll have to be more practical before I let myself get swallowed up in the bills. Sometimes, I just hate life. Later will probably be better, but I'm worn out now.

 

[NIKI]

Hi Leah. I sure can relate to the poisonous, oppressive feeling your mom leaves you with. My dad, yeah, he's the *life sucking* person in my life. Well, he used to be in my life.

Your a wonderful sister. Your little brother is so lucky to have you watching out for him. Maybe, you didn't have anyone to support you growing up. :( How old is your brother? (please do not answer that if you don't want to) Maybe, at some point he could come live with you when he is older so he can get away from her.

 

[sessie]

That sounds scary and awful. And you survived it! You used all your coping skills and got through it somehow... I hope you can feel proud of yourself for that! It's okay to just let yourself fall apart in response, now that your home is safe again.

Please be gentle with yourself as you regain peace!!!

 

[Leah123]

How old is your brother?

Thanks, Niki. Sounds like you can relate, which is sad news, but I appreciate your empathy. I'm 36 now, and my brother is almost 14. I would LOVE him to live with me. My husband and I would take very good care of him. My mom would never allow it, but my brother knows I love him, will help him however I can, and the minute he turns 18, he's very welcome here anytime. I can't WAIT until he's free of them. My life was so wonderful after I got free of my mother!!! I can't even stand a week of reliving any of that anymore, yuck.

Thanks Sessie for such encouraging comments. :) You're right, I am glad after reading what you said, that I did get through it. I took breaks, I got to write an email to my therapist every day, I gave up on my diet and let myself have some coping-junkfood, and confided in my husband more than ever before, and he was AMAZING in response, very helpful once he really saw how I was feeling. :)

I am going to try and regain some peace for sure. It's hard to have the hypervigilance wear off and sort of see the aftermath of her visit, but I am trying to be gentle, as much as I can.

Thank you both. :)

 

[ButterflyBean]

Leah,

Sounds like your mother is one of your biggest triggers, and my heart goes out to you, and I can relate, though in a different way! I want you to know what you did for your brother was selfless took great courage! Now it's time to take care of you and release all the toxic emotions your mother brought up! As long as your brother knows you care, which he does now, he will come to you when he needs support.

As I said before, now it's time to take care of you, and please realize that you may need extra support as you deal with the aftermath of her visit, and that's nothing to be ashamed of! Is there a way you can have an extra chat or phone session with your therapist this week? Could you see her in person, just this once, given the circumstances? I know you've expressed money as an issue, but I'm sure your husband will understand and support you, given what he saw!

It was just a thought, but for now, allowing yourself to cry is a safe way to express grief, past and present. The body will know when to stop, if you can trust yourself enough to start crying.

To me, crying is a therapeutic release and a sign of strength! If you can't do it by yourself, which is totally understandable, is there a friend who could hold you, let you cry without asking questions until you're ready to talk, and just tell you that you're safe and okay with him/her? The longer you keep your feelings inside, the more they will eat away at you; then they will become so intense that you'll explode with nowhere to go! Your therapist is another issue that needs to be addressed, yes, but right now, just focus surrounding yourself with positive support!

Sending healing thoughts and understanding to you!

~Holly

 

[Leah123]

Awwwww, thank you Holly. You are so kind. I appreciate it, because sometimes I need a little help being compassionate with myself. I have been trying very hard to take good care of myself this time though. Yesterday, I took a hot bath, listened to my favorite music that I hadn't had much chance to enjoy when they were here, I did let myself cry, it kind of came in waves as I thought of things about her and her visit, I took a nap, and had a long, revealing talk w/my husband. That part was hard, but it worked out.

And I did decide to let myself chat with my therapist. I was worried a lot about the therapy costs, but decided yesterday wasn't a great day to put on the breaks, so I did chat with her, I'm glad I did. I'll have to be more prudent about the money, but... I'm hoping it will work out, will get easier to cut back as time goes on.

I'm feeling overtaxed right now, kind of numb, but I think it will get better as I settle back into my routine at home and feel more safe again. Thanks for the healing thoughts and understanding. :)

 

[ButterflyBean]

How did the talk with your husband go? Can I ask why you do online therapy? If money is an issue, seeing someone in person, who works on a sliding scale, may be worth a try. Plus, they may be able to see you twice a week if you need extra support, as in times like this. Again, just another thought.

I don't think I could do online therapy because I need physical touch when I'm really hurting or things are hard to talk about. I can email or call my therapistin between sessions, but I try not to do that just to keep boundaries firm. Just wondering why you chose online therapy versus in-person given the PTSD?

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and slowly getting back into your normal routine! Please let us know how you're doing, and enjoy the weekend!

As always, hugs and support!

~Holly

 

[Abstract]

Sooo glad you survived Leah! I agree with Holly that you are very brave to do this for your brother. And well done for taking care of you after.

I am so sorry money is an issue especially when it interferes with access to therapy. And I know how much you love your therapist and find her helpful. You deserve therapy to get better and it is not only for you but also for your family.

 

[Leah123]

How did the talk with your husband go? Can I ask why you do online therapy? If money is an issue, seeing someone in person, who works on a sliding scale, may be worth a try. Plus, they may be able to see you twice a week if you need extra support, as in times like this. Again, just another thought.

I don't think I could do online therapy because I need physical touch when I'm really hurting or things are hard to talk about. I can email or call my therapistin between sessions, but I try not to do that just to keep boundaries firm. Just wondering why you chose online therapy versus in-person given the PTSD?

The talk w/my husband wasn't perfect, but his responses were good enough.I told him the effect of my mom being here, and was hoping for his unquestioning agreement when I told him I hated my parents, and asked if he did too. Well, I just kind of thought he'd say "yes!!" but he didn't. You know, i hadn't really talked to him about the abuse in 15 years, and my history, before him, had faded from his mind. He's wrapped up in his own issues too, unfortunately, so it was hard to be heard, but in the end, I think I was, heard and supported, well enough. He loves me a lot and cares for me, so I'm happy with that. I think it's just a little hard for me to be optimistic right now- I'm drained from my mother's visit, and drained from the very difficult place in therapy I am right now, and from my schedule. My therapist has promised to help me be very gentle this next week and we're going to focus mostly on coping, managing my stress, in baby steps. :)

I do online therapy for a few reasons. In no particular order, they are:

1. I work from home, 60 hours a week and am a full time college student, wife, and mother. Online therapy makes it easier to find time, no commute, and I can have appointments with flexible times.
2. Therapy from home helps me feel grounded and safe. I have music, my soothing office, my dog, etc. It helps me transition out of painful sessions to not worry about crying while I drive, or having to otherwise navigate the outside world while I keep processing our conversations.
3. I love my therapist, and she works online, lives in Atlanta, 3000 miles away.
4. I have a lot of flexibility with the LivePerson format she works with- I can have better access to her, chat when I feel the need, do email sessions if she's not around, and phone sessions if I feel the need to increase the sense of connection.

5. I have records of all our chat and email transcripts. It's great to read them over, solidify our conversations, work through things again, and have a concrete sense of progress and history.

As for the touch, I am starting to long for that a little. I just found out, was actually nervous to discuss it, lol, that she is a fan of hugs, lol, so... I send her "virtual" hugs. It's the thought that bolsters me, even without her physical presence, and I'm someone who is very attuned to the written and spoken word, so I find her voice almost as comforting. I don't know how well that would work for me if I didn't have a husband I could count on for hugs and touch. Then, it would be a lot harder I think.

As far as affording therapy, well, my insurance isn't great, so it wouldn't cover it, really, so I pay out of pocket. My therapist charges $80 an hour, which I believe is reasonable based on other rates I've seen. She has 20 years of experience, so... I actually feel she's a bargain, but... I'm not rich, so it just adds up.

Thanks, Abstract. I'm trying to justify the therapy spending. I need to cut back some, but I'm trying to see it as an investment. I believe good mental health is important and will definitely help my daughter and my family I hope!

 

[GRANOLA]

:mad:The last few weeks have been a challenge. I feel like all I've bee doing is jumping through hoops. I'm on LTD with work the sent me to their psychiatrist last week. People don't realize how hard it is just to tell your story. I wear no one: doctors, therapists, psychiatrists read the file. This isn't reality TV show! We are people who are suffering from something no one knows how to deal with, it seems.

When we tell you our stories, we get to relive the traumas again. It doesn't just go away, if we work hard we can manage our emotions some what. I'm tired of feeling so crappy and pathetic. Its not fair to my family and friends.

If the file says PTSD, read it and ask as few questions as you can.Thank you!