General In The Middle Of An Episode

[The Albatross]

Every time you cave, you reinforce for her that her methods work and she has no inclination to change, and will even fight more fiercely or to maintain the status quo because it does what she wants it to do. You back down. She gets what she wants.

 

[The Albatross]

In a lucid moment in the future coming week. Spend some time framing up a conversation. Tell her how you are adversely affected and stressed because of this pattern. Tell her you love her but you love and are obligated to your parent as well. It is not a punishment or a personal offensive act to want to go visit your mom. Her continued reaction to this has become a problem for you in this relationship. Ask her what she is willing to do to remedy this. And see what happens. Have the conversation and keep having the conversation several times or more if need be to present her with dialogue, choices, and ask her to assist in solving the problem before you attempt your next trip. But. Big "but". Once the decision is made, plan with her the date for your trip. And do it, sticking with it then repeat, repeat, repeat. Normalize the process together, consistency and communication even if it's difficult actually help. And good luck.

 

[amethist]

You back down. She gets what she wants.

The more you do this, the stronger the hold she will have on you, and the weaker your resolve will be.

I hope for all you sakes you stand up and be counted in all of this, so far she is counting you out.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Dayglo,

I am a sufferer too, but I agree with all that has been said in this thread. If you didn't go to your mother's I hope you do go out for a while, and take your son with you, as you both deserve some time away to recharge.

It is difficult to feel so torn for wanting to be there, knowing you are being manipulated, not sure they can help it or not, the fear of leaving, the fear of not leaving, trying to establish boundaries, trying to enforce boundaries, etc. In the end, you need to do what is best for you, because not to is to leave yourself open for becoming burned out, resentful, stressed to the point of illness, or just plain ready to walk away. (I am also a supporter of children with PTSD, depression, addiction, etc.).

The statement of "you first" is not selfish. It is a matter of survival, and being able to continue to be a husband, supporter, father, and just plain functioning human being.

Debbie

 

[nursenurse]

Strength in planning, then. Build up your fortitude, make your plan, and stick to it, no anger, no animosity, just a matter of fact "I'm going to see Mom today." And just do it. Take your son. Don't over think it when you do. We're all rooting for you here. You need to find you again. Good luck!

 

[dayglo]

It's funny how when I read other supporter's issues things seem very clear but for myself its "as clear as mud".

Anyway, my wife had a lucid moment on Sunday morning and asked me why I wanted to go bad. I explained (again) how she's getting up in her years, etc. She said she understood and "let me go". Of course, it's like she was "doing me a favor" but at least it's a start. Thanks

 

[nursenurse]

Bueno! It is a start! I'm glad you "got to go." Did you take your son?

 

[The Albatross]

Great. "Letting you go" was a big step for her. Now involve her in the process, and repeat til the situation normalizes for her. Communication is key. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

 

[dayglo]

Yes, we both went. Of course, there was a lot of guilt associated with it and anger.

My visiting my mom is somehow a stressor or even a trigger. So we are back to square one. The bickering and arguing (yes I know it's just another way for her to get and keep my attention) is at the bubbling point.

It's funny, sometimes when she recognizes she is in a rage she catches herself and says "leave me alone" and locks herself in the room to calm down (which is a good thing). And then she expects me to praise her that she recognizes that she "caught herself". Meantime I'm still angry and frustrated (especially since he "got the last word" and gave me a few insults and zingers and then locks herself in the room.

Tonight when I went to the basement and said "leave me alone," but she follows me around and hounds me and was pounding on the door. I guess that's my next boundary - to remind her once again that the words "leave me alone" applies to BOTH or us, not just her.

 

[rightkindofme]

I guess that's my next boundary - to remind her once again that the words "leave me alone" applies to BOTH or us, not just her.

Darn skippy!