Initial consult triggered sh/si urges

[FauxLiz]

I had my initial consult via telehealth with a potential new therapist (relocated so a must) and the entire session was me asking questions/for clarification and just a high level basic history no details just at A age Z happened, at B age Y happened etc. However it was as if the whole conversation hit a nerve. I felt like I wanted to cry most of the time and as I started to go back to my regular routine after the session I am struggling to fight the urge to self harm and my thoughts have taken a very dark turn toward SI. I should be fine for a few hours as I am back at work but I am worried that tonight I will turn on myself.

I think I know what triggered this and that is if I move forward with this therapist I have to accept that his schedule only has time for one session a week and that I am loosing the access to my therapist that I have enjoyed with previous therapists as he does not permit email, and the only phone access would be a clinical emergency in which I would reach-out to the on-call number and he can return the call. I am just really struggling and I don't really know how to determine if this is just a short term reaction or if the differences are significant enough that I need to consider other options.

 

[grit]

Hi Fauxliz,
I am sorry you are feeling this way. Is there anyone you could call to hang out tonight until your nerves are calm? I hope you do not turn on yourself and you wait until tomorrow. Sometimes a news can really hit a nerve and after few hours, you may realize how strong you truly are by sitting with it.
It is natural you missed your old therapist that you get accustomed to. Change of anything is hard but you are really doing good finding a new therapist right away and planning for the future.

Please take care of yourself.

 

[FauxLiz]

@grit thanks for replying. There really isn't anyone I can call or hang out with tonight my IRL support is very limited and now with having moved I feel like a burden to those where I used to live. I have decided that after work I am going to head out and try to treat myself to a meal in a nearby community. I have to try and make it too a bank branch to deposit a check and it is just far enough I am hoping that I am not late and they are closed when I get there.

I have been fighting the urge all afternoon to reach out to my previous therapist as I know I need to disconnect from him as part of my support system but for the past four years that has always been my safety net support.

 

[grit]

Going to the community dinner sounds fantastic. It really helps us to be with other humans. Thank you for responding and please post here tonight. I am usually online at night. I live eastern time in Canada.

 

[FauxLiz]

@grit thanks for your kindness. Things have been rough this afternoon/evening. I keep ruminating on a comment the new therapist made during the session. After I gave the brief history he said something to the effect of we won't go any further with that right now because I don't know what to say and don't want to say the wrong thing. And this guy is a trauma therapist. I have been feeling really broken and revolting like if I can shock and surprise a trauma therapist with my vague history how is he going to handle anything detailed?

 

[Nessa7]

I hate those first real conversations with mental health professionals. I think it's great that you made a plan for your evening, and I hope it goes well.

I would hope that he said that because he saw that you were distressed and did not want to say something that might accidentally make things worse for you because he knows so little about you.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Nessa7 I am sure that you are right and that was his intent I just can't seem to stop ruminating on what his impression of me was I have extreme issues with self esteem and this just felt like a validation of how broken and worthless I am.

Well I blew it. I gave into the SH urges and both cut and used my stun gun on myself (my normal SH of choice as it doesn't leave a mark if there is material between the skin and the stun gun) so nothing to be discovered or leave scars. I had been doing so good it had been over a year since I used the stun gun so I am really upset with myself right now.

 

[grit]

I am sorry Fauxliz,

I hope you find the right solution. I am not equipped to deal with this type of situation but I want you to know I am thinking of you and hope you find other coping methods in the future.

 

[Nessa7]

I"m sorry, @FauxLiz. It will be okay. You should still feel proud of making it so long without SH, because it is still an accomplishment. Don't beat yourself up for this. Giving in once doesn't mean that you won't be able to get back on track. You don't want to let your brain use this as an excuse to make you feel bad about yourself. You've been so strong before, and you can do it again.

 

[scout86]

I hope you can "not beat yourself up".

About the potential new t.... This is just me, but, for me, I don't think that would work. My current T is ok. with email & that had been really important. I'm pretty good at not talking. I've been able to communicate stuff via email that I wouldn't have otherwise. It might not matter for everyone, but it matters to me. Myself? I think it would be legit if it matters to you too. Maybe this isn't the right person? How quickly did you feel like the T you've had was ok?

 

[FauxLiz]

@scout86 previous therapist was open very early on. It is hard for me to explain in a way that most therapists can understand but most traditional resources are not truly available to me. In my job/career I make funding decisions related to government funds for organizations like United way suicide hotlines etc, I am allso at the top of the food chain in terms of managing police , fire and EMS so if I or someone else called Emergency Services when I returned to work it would have naturally created a shift in the chain of command paradigm.

I think this new therapist under stood that but again I don’t think he sees the bigger picture The therapist I am leaving actually made this recommendation/referral so I will try at least one more session to see if we can create a workable game plan. Otherwise I have a proposal for the therapist I am leaving that could make this a moot point.

 

[FauxLiz]

I am really struggling still today I can't decide whether to reach out to the therapist I am leaving (we still have a couple of transition sessions scheduled) or try to just manage this myself. I feel like I am adrift right now.