Inner Child/fragment Work?

[Artfulone]

Dear Lizbeth,

Thank you for your post, I am enjoying the replies, there is some good advice here. I have also been working on with my inner family system/ fragments/ parts/ selves/ self-states/ ego states/ sub-personalities. I have been working less directly with these systems in the last year or so, but have used a lot of "parts" work in the last six years of therapy. In the begining just thinking or talking about parts caused triggering within me and brought up a lot of fear from childhood. It seems crazy at first but perfectly natural when one gets used to it. Everyone has parts, just as everyone dissociates and everyone has life traumas. This is perfectly natural, the main difference is that those of us with mental disorders such as PTSD/ dissociative disorders, etc., can tend to have more clinical level levels of dissociation and stronger family systems with stronger identities/ senses of self/ amnesia barriers.

I highly recommend looking into Richard Schwartz's (IFS) Internal Family Systems Therapy model. John Garner Watkins (also reffered to as Jack) and Helen H Watkins's ego state therapy model, which was developed from Freud and Eric Berne's work with ego states. His description of "ego state disorder" (a sub clinical form of DDnos/ severe dissociative disorders) was very helpful to me,making a lot of sense. The ISSTD has good articles on personality fragmentation. There are various articles on the TSTDP (Theory of Structural Dissociation of the Personality) by Elhert Nijenhuis, Onno Van Der Hart and Kathy Steele which are easily available on the net. Some of their descriptions fit me great, just like the ego state disorder model and have enabled great insight within my own family system. John Rowan from the U.K. has a website and some books on sub-personalities, archetypes and other related parts perspectives, which can really make sense and assist in gaining insight from different perspectives.

Something that I also found very useful was to gain some insight into the Freudian concept of ego state cathexis (creation/ imbueing of parts), but much of this is contained within DID/ MPD work so, personally I found this very triggering in the early days of therapy as we (my IFS/ parts) were clearly fearful of us having DID (which we don't have), also fearful of admitting and accepting that I/ we have been very much a parts person. As I stabilised I was able to gradually take on a deeper understanding. Some people have names for their parts (individually or collectively) others don't choose names.

There are a number of great threads on these subjects on this site and other sites, which can assist in gaining insight. I may write more later but need to do other stuff now. I hope this helps and offer blessings unto my fellow parts people. Best wishes on your journey.

 

[kimba]

I have discovered my "parts" or pieces fairly recently. I should say they let me know they existed by "taking over the bus once or twice". Fortunately, it was during therapy sessions and while my T wasn't freaked out about it, I definately was. I've tried on and off to "talk" to them in my head and to figure out who is what etc. but it all is alot to wrap my head around still. I'm shamed to say I tend to ignore them more or less. I do acknowledge them from time to time when they talk to me, but it still freaks me out a little. I have a hard time with that "isn't me" talking or acting when it is. (But it isn't!)

 

[maddog]

Gosh, this thread has been very captivating, very intense and very confronting for me. The honesty and articulateness of so many of you is humbling. I'm emersed in the terrifying process of learning that there are distinct parts of me too, and that these parts are now demanding to be heard. I've recently started seeing a psychiatrist whose specific expertise are in trauma therapy and dissociative identity disorder. But even before then, my psych and I were finding our way to this place, and as others have said, it's very, very scarey, yet oddly thrillingly validating too. I'm still trying to understand the type and extent of fragmentation here - it's certainly not complete, I am never unaware of the influence or presence of the others, and yet it's like being in charge of a restless disorganised and demanding group of people and trying to facilitate discussion between and among them all so that everyone can have a turn and be heard without disrupting the group too much.

Just yesterday I shared some childhood traumas with my psych and allowed a child to tell that story for the first time. The result was possibly the worst meltdown I've had in therapy to date, and right now life is being lived one fragile moment at a time, but even through it all I know that something very important happened yesterday. Now if only I could stop shaking and crying and make myself leave the house this morning...

Maddog

 

[NutritionNerd]

We be just a little more sane than most. It doesn't have to be so scary. Even the most extreme "firefighter" is just trying to protect us. My husband explained all this to me when we first met but it took me a long time to really understand it and experience it.

Therapy and psychologist mainly use this stuff for getting you better. This stuff is really cool and most people don't even know that they are multiple parts. You can have some interesting learning and growth from interacting with your many selves in a casual way.

Here's some things I've noticed about my various "selves"
They look different - in some states my face relaxes and I look 20 years younger. I feel more childlike at times and enjoy playing and being creative like I was in my childhood. I have a very heartwarming memory of my husband in a child ego state playing with my button collection. Try looking at yourself in the mirror at various times of the day, look for changes in stance, facial expression, even your hair might change.

Another way to discover when you are in a different self is to ask yourself what is important to you at the moment - or notice the content of your thoughts. I have some selves who are very concerned about fiscal matters and very business like. Some are very nerdy and into science and computers. Others are concerned with appearance and enjoy makeup and dressing up. I think there's one who's about 13 and very into flashy bright colors. I have one that is male and really good at using power tools and such.

I have a ton of hangups like most people - having been told certain things about myself all my life - clumsy, not pretty, etc. When some part of you proves those things false, it's easier to let go of all those outside judgements and just be yourself.

It's really wonderful when you get to spend some time in "Self" that really centered cool person that you are inside. When you are in that state, nothing matters, all is as it should be in the world and you can't imagine why any of the day to day things could ever bother you. However when you get out of it it's hard to figure out how to get back into it.

I have recently had some success in shifting out of negative states by making affirmations. Doesn't always work, but when it does it feels great to have some measure of control again.

 

[Froggie]

How interesting, I was reading the last few posts and, afterwards, couldn't resist to read right from the beginning. I've always thought that recognizing what a certain event did to the child was enough, but in reality, I think I was repeating what my parents did with me ... OK so that happened, OK it's over so get over it OR forgive and forget ... I really like the orphanage image, I will pass this information on to others fellow therapists as this can have some very interesting results. Acknowledging that child in us and taking that time with them / her / me

 

[LizBeth1]

I can totally relate to the 'inner wise person' that chimes in when having inner dialogues with parts. It's like your higher self, really. I think that becoming aware of one's inner parts is a real expansion of overall consciousness, so it makes sense that inner wisdom would come through as well while going through this process.

One way I have asked my T to help me solidify the presence of my adult self in the room is to, instead of having her speak directly to my parts, to ask my adult self to check in with them and speak for them. That way I'm more grounded and aware that I even have an adult self ;) She's totally fine with that and agrees.

I was also incredibly resistant to doing this work in the beginning. It felt overwhelming and like a burden to have to listen to all these parts and manage them. I was resentful. My T pointed out, "isn't that how your mom felt about you when you were little?" Bingo. My mom was overwhelmed, depressed, overburdened, and dismissive of my emotional needs. My T pointed out that this is exactly how I treated my own inner children, because my mom modeled this behavior and I naturally absorbed it. Amazing realization... so my 'inner parenting' was modeled on my mom's demonstration of parenting. So when my inner parts wanted my attention in the past, I'd of course distract myself by turning on the TV or going online, or something like that. Didn't want to deal with that emotion. I thought that if I stopped to deal with those emotions, it would interfere with other things I wanted to do in life - no time for that! So I would dismiss my parts just like my mom dismissed my needs. And when I first started doing the work of listening, I was also afraid that my inner parts were angry with me for ignoring them... but that can be dealt with as well.

Once you start listening to them, they do tend to speak up more and more, so you can do a variety of things to manage that if it starts to get out of hand. And sometimes when they 'speak' it comes in a variety of ways -- it can be emotions you feel as tension in the solar plexus, or you may hear actual words internally, or you may experience short term physical symptoms (stomach ache, rapid heartbeat, bad headache, etc.). Often this is your inner parts wanting to let you know they are upset or need to say something. Checking in with each and every one of them all the time is not really something most people have the capacity to do. So one way I do it is to check in once a day or every couple days and say "Does anyone need to speak?" This way they know they are being heard, and you can check in with the one(s) whose needs are most urgent. You can also say 'I can't talk to all of you now but I will check back in a couple of days." And you make a commitment to do that. It doesn't have to be too intense...just showing consistency in 'being there.' Eventually they won't panic so much that you're not going to be there, so any urgent communications you might be getting from them will calm down some as they develop trust.

You can also do visualizations in which you're having fun together -- taking a walk, playing at the beach, playing games... holding/carrying a very young part of yourself... there are lots of possibilities here and they really do get through to your unconscious and things do come together more. Kinda amazing!

 

[kimba]

Thanks LizBeth1, what you are explaining is hitting home for me and helping me understand how I can help "them" and myself. I am only aware of a couple of "parts" right now and dealing with them for the most part. One of my questions is how do I know when I have discovered all the parts or can I ask them to just tell me so there are no more surprises?

 

[Powder]

What an interesting thread. This is a cutting-edge set of concepts. Apparently, there are some psychiatrists that "don't believe in" DID or parts. It is interesting to me that Dr.s "don't believe in" things and stubbornly stick to that philosophy. Why be a TDoc if you don't listen to your patients or others' theories? Just a thought; I digress. :)

On the other hand, these concepts, like many human experience concepts, can be totally foreign and unintelligible if one has never experienced similar feelings or even thought in such terms. Even those experiencing parts, as said above, "ego states" may not have taken that "step back" to detach and reflect on what they were doing just then when they "switched" into a different mode. Such "switching" is so common, ordinary, everyday in some ways that it is predictable and feels automatic and natural. Traumatic parts can cause "switching" that feels abrubt, unnatural, and less practical or healthy.

I remember this happened to me once during therapy. When I started to feel that deep well of emotion begin to be tapped, and I was afraid of simply falling apart, embarassingly into an emotional flood of tears and "freak out," the over-controlled, rigid persona suddenly "took over the controls" for about two minutes. During this time, I appeared very composed, very rigid, and my voice is what shocked me! It was a very male, very dominating voice. It exuded a dominance and composure I did not feel at all. I also was frightened by the fact that this happened without my chosing or permission, as if I were suddenly "possessed" by an unfamiliar part. And it was distressing. I couldn't make my voice go back to my "normal one" for a couple of minutes. I had to breathe and relax and get a hold of myself, promising myself to not fall apart and not to talk about the emotional pain waiting over the steep precipice I spend my life in a manner designed to avoid at all costs (avoidance, emotional numbing).

This was an example of switching. Another time was in the distant past, in which I uncharacteristically got angry and actually tore up a bracelet from an ex-boyfriend in high school before my amazed sister's eyes. Other times, it's less obvious, when I take on a bossy, parental voice and lecture my husband as if he were the child and I the detached parent. In all cases, the trigger was a negative emotional state or something "getting too close to home" on the trauma.

Another situation is when the part is associated with a particular trauma incident, and then you can get all the body memories, pscyhosomatic pain, and other symptoms. It can feel like you are that age again, as stated above by NN, so much better than I am doing here. You don't feel you have the cognitive functioning of your present age, but rather feel confined to the strenghts and weakenesses of that ego state. For me, one problem was that I got extremely "cold" shivering uncontrollably until I got into a hot bath. It literally felt like I would die of cold that penetrated to the core of my body. I read about this recently, and since this is a state-dependent memory, or perhaps due to the link to the trauma, I draw a complete blank as to the source. (My apologies)

To get to JuneBug's questions: This whole concept started to dawn on me gradually as I started having dreams about my "missing baby" or "missing child." Sometimes it was a doll that symbolized her that I had mislaid, or actually "buried underground" because I didn't think I'd ever want her again, and I had to get help in excavating her. When confronted with so many dreams in which I was enlisting all my adult part helpers, (by adult selves I mean aspects that I am able to connect to my personal strengths, achievements and roles easily apon waking from a dream when anayzing the dream) it became obvious to me that I have buried aspects of my inner child from the past. When sharing the dreams on another site "MyInnerWorld.com" others responded with "this sounds like stuff from childhood that hurt you..." and similar feedback. In all the dreams, I kept looking to no avail and in one particular dream, one of my parts was actually sabotaging the process. Her job was to keep it all locked away. At first I found that frustrating, but now realizing it is a coping strategy that I employ(ed) to survive and try to build a life after C PTSD for a childhood. Rather than trying to prevent my healing, this part is trying to spare me a lifetime of pain re-experiencing the trauma. So I try to love that part, too, and respect her job. :)

In loving all your parts and honoring their functions or attempts to help, I believe I am loving myself and allowing myself to be who I am. I can't label and judge, I must gather these people to my heart like a personal family, and treat them how I want "my family" to be treated, not how I was treated. This is a rebirth and a new life, a process.

 

[LizBeth1]

Hi Kimba - I think that's the big question, isn't it? :) Wanting no more surprises - I can totally relate to that. At the same time, I think our unconscious has an incredible intelligence and won't allow certain parts or traumas to come to the surface until we are able to handle it. I think it's just like how repressed memories seem to emerge decades later for some people, because the unconscious 'knows' when the circumstances are safe for it to emerge... I think one way to help everything to come out in a safe/natural way is to just spend time with the parts that you are aware of now, and work to integrate those parts. When things are more stabilized, maybe any additional parts will emerge, and at that point, you will be more equipped/grounded to handle that happening...

 

[LizBeth1]

Muse, your account is very moving.

I "switch" too. It can be unsettling when it feels involuntary. I agree, switching to a different part and acting it out can be the result of something hitting too close to an old trauma, and sometimes that can be really generalized; it doesn't have to be an exact replica of the trauma. Maybe someone says something that feels dominating or rejecting, and maybe they didn't mean it that way at all, but some inner part jumps into 'attack' mode with the goal of protecting you. So it's good that we have parts that are our inner protectors and we can thank them for that, but we can also say to them, "next time something happens that you want to warn me about, please let me know at a level of 'one alarm' rather than 'ten alarms'" or something like that. I think when our parts hear or see something that they interpret as warranting a 10-alarm warning, the tendency to switch and have an 'inner protector' part take over is much more prone to happen. Inner protectors are great but they can also have overexaggerated and sometimes inadvertently destructive responses, because of what they went through in the past.

My T tells me that the more we pay attention to and just "be there" for all the parts, that involuntary sense of switching will calm down/taper off.

 

[NutritionNerd]

http://www.monabarbera.com/
I have this lady's book on relationships and it is very helpful. She uses IFS theory in her practice and advice for couples.

IFS has a "Find a therapist" feature that might be helpful if you can't find a psychologist who "believes".
http://www.selfleadership.org/find-an-ifs-therapist.html

Sometimes it doesn't matter what they believe - mine doesn't believe in ADHD and that doesn't change his ability to help me because that isn't what he's seeing me for. However the type of "not believing in parts" or dissociation phenomenon would be a nonstarter for someone who is having dissociation problems.

Ya'll may not have noticed but sometimes your parts are coming "out" for your therapist - that may mean that you feel safe enough to let that happen. Just don't try to inhibit them and things will get better. I recall sessions with my therapist where I switched several times during the session.

 

[Powder]

Yes, NN, I am wondering about why the switching happened with the therapist. I don't have the full answer that makes sense for me today. That is what I'm learning right now, so I have more to go. But I do know that it has a little to do with feeling that if there is a safe place for my fragments/parts to be allowed to have a voice, then therapy is likely the only place in our culture where that is "allowed" or likely to be validated by anyone, including myself perhaps. During the same session in which the "other voice" took over, and I felt pushed aside to have to watch the other part take over, I also experienced a part talk to me in my mind. It was as if a very distant part of me was thinking, almost on its own, but borrowing my brain to do the thinking. I heard an inner child fragment (for lack of a better word) say to the rest of my self in a quiet thought "I'm still here." The feeling I had when I "heard" this thought was sadness. That sadness felt overwhelming, and the angry, dominant part "took over the controls." That's when I realized (because you gotta know this kind of thing has never happened to me, although I've had mood swings and feel overly compartmentalized, a huge disconnect between HEAD/HEART) that we were getting too close to "the pit." I call the effect of the trauma "the pit." It literally feels like there is a part of me that is a black hole I'm afraid to fall into. My T says that this is common with traumatic memory that is blocked; the self is afraid of the blocked shadow self and what it knows. It is afraid that some of the information will overwhelm/kill me. She says that we prepare ourselves somehow for the information and that she has never seen anyone be overwhelmed totally by what they discover. Hmmm. I am not sure I believe it yet. When I got my FB's, I was so messed up, not able to eat/sleep and stressed to the max. I even wet the bed in my sleep a little while having a nightmare of the trauma, like a child. (Regression.)