I agree so much what
@Skylynx said except the last sentence was a bit too black and white thinking. I think it is good to keep the door open for any possibility of things being different tomorrow or not knowing.
I believe there are a lot of research in child development and the inner world of a baby to show that babies are not little empty vessels that are filled by the mother either. Giving the mother that much power is blinding us what resilience is and what we are born with - both powerful allies in recovery.
I find if you become aware of one part, there is a possibility of becoming aware of others. I find that intelligence and the brain help us in direction of what is what but only feeling what is ailing is the part that heals. This is my opinion and not set on stone.
For example, I realized I do not have global anxiety. Anxiety or depression do not engulf me. I can see them and feel them and articulate about them so there are other parts that come to rescue when I fell into that. I can soothe myself. There are other parts of me that I encourage them (learned this in therapy) to help me soothe myself. The way I do it is internal of course but if I was to make a movie out of it, it would look like a mother soothing her baby and trying to find what is the baby crying bout because the mother does not know. I may not know why I am anxious but that part of me knows so I have to soothe, and be emphatic and compassionate to see the source. The main difference is a mother cannot see the baby's inside but I have the capacity to see my inside so my own mothering is actually more powerful than my real mother, in a sense. There is a reason why we develop thinking part as a baby. If the mother fails the baby (which happened to me), then every developmental level of human is to rework and grow. I do not want to give up on life because my first try was unfortunate. I do understand our level of hope can be all different.
But when it comes to dissociation, the feeling is too global for me. My body goes dead and heavy and my brain stays out and loses control. But still there is a part of me that knows this happened - not happening or at least I cannot retain the memory intellectually or cognitively. So I am not going to ignore that intelligence of knowing that. That knowing part is also the one we most transfer to the therapist...except there is a limitation to how much a person outside of you can drive you from the inside.
With my dissociation, I let it come to me when I am at home, safe and can lay down so I do not fall or pass out (fear or irrational thought does not matter). I let the dissociation take over when I am so prepared. It does not heal me this way but I understand its weight. I am trying to practice to make that part that knows stronger, and stronger. I can completely go into paralysis during dissociation but there is a tiny part of me that knows I am at home in my bed and letting it go. I have been doing this for while and it seems to at least take the edges, the fear out of dissociation. i can start to shake, cry, really get scared but yet, I am still here.
I want to practice this with a therapist so she can keep me up and I can articulate my experience if possible but who knows. I am not looking for perfect life, just understanding myself to a point. Eventually, I do not want to lose dissociation all together or develop phobia because I also love I can go into trance or see the world not attached to me. I love these states for creativity and artistic values. But I resent the dissociation out of fear of my emotions but I also know I am here talking to you because of dissociation of parts to make me survive.
I think we are all here and talking about our feelings, experiences and such and all these are intellectual pursuits but they do induce emotions as well. disconnecting cognition from emotion as an adult is dissociation. As a baby, the two areas are not so separate.
I think giving up that thinking mind which is a powerful developmental phase for all babies is one major issue in trauma recovery. Intelligence and cognition do not heal but they do create the road-map. I want to fill my cognition and eventually hope (this part I do not have much control) that what I know and learn can seep into my subconscious and clear me up from the inside. No therapist can do this for me but they can also just direct me and guide me but ultimately I need to keep that open mind.
Not sure if this helps but it works for me and I cannot say I am so unique.
