Insecure When It Comes To Friends

[MysticRose]

Since I was a little girl, I have been let down and abandoned by many friends and even my own brothers and sister. It started when I was 9 and we moved to another town, and ever since, it seems that nobody is willing to stick around. My brothers and sister told me that I wasn't interesting, when I was around 14. Many friends came and left until I was 18, when I turned out to be pregnant. My boyfriend left (and we never heard from him again), the only friends I still had around that time decided to move on as well. After my daughter was born I ended up in a few abusive relationships without friends and family around me (apart from my parents - they've always been there for me). However, this is one of my problems in a nutshell.

What I'm wondering is; how do you deal with friends and family? Are you even able to make friends and keep them? Because I don't seem to be able to connect to people. My husband and I lead a quite lonely life together (he's fine with that, he doesn't need many people around him). I have a nice job with good colleagues, but I can't seem to connect in my private life. Whenever I try to reach out to somebody, they either tell me that they cannot meet at this point, or they'll say they'll get back to me later (which they never do). This makes me so insecure that I keep on closing up on people. Every time I try to connect to somebody, I immediately shut down again. And when I think of it, I always assume that people don't find me interesting enough to stick around, so why would I bother using up my time on them?

The other side is that I desperately want more friends. A better social life. To be less lonely. I have a very sweet husband who's always there for me, but to be very blunt: that's just not enough. How do you connect to others, without your inner voices that continuously keep on telling you that there's no need to bother because others don't find that you're worth it?

 

[millie86]

I'm actually going thru the same thing - again - right now. I am continually left out, let down, lied to, and not included. I don't know if I have some kind of horrible personality quirkor what. I don't think so. I have a son who requires 24 hour care and. Know this is part of the dilemma but I am so hurting. Desperately wanting to be alone, but at the same time wanting to be loved and accepted and included and understood. Maybe we can figure this out together. I just put myself out there for w projec . Desperately wanted to do that is totally outside my comfort zone and been let down again. That was my last trry. I gtive up. I can't take the rejection anymore. Sometimes I don't think I'm grown up enough for people...my skin didn't develop thick enough.

 

[AnnaLost]

While my experiences are not exactly the same, obviously :) I have similar. We moved a lot when I was a child. I counted several schools every year. Always the outsider, I never connected with other kids well. That definitely bled into my adult life. I keep people at arms length without intending to, because I'm afraid either they are going to be gone tomorrow, or I will.

I have a group I joined five years ago that does an annual fundraiser. I love the charity and participate every year. Some 50 women are involved, the same ones every year, and I couldn't tell you their names, marital statuses, nuthin. I want to get to know some of them, and maybe make some friends, but I just don't do casual well.

That being said, I do have a few, very few, really close friends. Only one lives in my area though, the others are all out of state, thousands of miles away. These are friends that have somehow stood the test of decades.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice on how to make and keep friends. I'm constantly amazed that the few I call friend have stuck by me. I'm certainly no good at developing new ones. Perhaps pick a few of your more friendly colleagues and invite them to dinner, or out for Friday drinks after work one week?

 

[Cryptantha]

I'm having the same problems MysticRose. I don't know what it is about me, but I have trouble with being abandoned a lot of the time. People take until I can give no more, and then they are gone. I think it might be that I'm still working through social development and having a sense of self-worth and boundaries.

I can recommend chatting on the chat here, and if you can, branching out to speak to people in a DBT or other group therapy. It feels safe as it's in public, and you can make lasting connections outside of it, using it as a stepping stone. With DBT you can also learn some useful skills! I hope this helps.

 

[MysticRose]

Thank you for replying to me. Saturday was a very good example of situations that can haunt me for days, leaving me insecure and lonely. We had a nice day out from work, and after dinner, some colleagues (of who I thought I could get along with, better than with some others) decided to go out for some drinks in town. I've never seen a pub from the inside here, which they knew. But they didn't i invite me, although they invited some others. So I went home (which was fine as well), but now I'm still bothered by that. Do they dislike me that much? Makes me feel worthless, really. So.. I have to let it go, I think.

Cryptantha, I'm starting group therapy sessions in 3 weeks time, along with some other therapies. I'm actually looking forward to this (but it's very scary too, of course), because I can see this working out for me.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi MysticRose,

I know what it's like to feel insecure about friendships and connecting to people. I tend to be really sensitive to any clues that might possibly mean someone dislikes me. One time I took a class on interview skills, where everyone in the group had to be very open about themselves and give very honest and personal feedback to the other group members. I found out that people actually don't perceive me as weird or uninteresting at all. It was just me projecting the way I felt about myself on to them.
What I'm trying to say is that things really are not always what they seem when it comes to social situations. After all, nobody can read minds. And perhaps your insecurities are turning this into a self-fulfilling prophecy: you're afraid others don't want to be friends > you stop trying > people will think you don't want to be their friend. Could it be that your colleagues didn't know you were interested in going out with them? I don't know if that's what happened, but since you've never been to a bar in that area, maybe they thought it was because you didn't want to?

Anyway, even when people are not interested in being friends with you (and believe me, that happens to everyone), that doesn't mean they dislike you or they think you wouldn't be a good friend. You have to have a good "click" with someone first, right?

And let me make one thing very clear: are not worthless or uninteresting at all!
Group therapy sounds like a great idea. It can be really helpful.

Wishing you the best,
A fellow Dutchie :)

 

[MysticRose]

Thank you all. It's good to read other people's stories and feedback. I have to say, at some moments I don't have that insecurity at all. But then it hits me again and I'll feel completely lonely in it. My husband does not have the urge to make friends or to connect to other people, so that doesn't make it any better either. Sometimes I'm fine with that, because not connecting to others also means that nobody can hurt me or leave me. But I'm too much of a social person to be fully satisfied with that. Let's just hope that my new therapy can help me with this.