Inside Out - Who Am I?

[vcc123]

Thats how I feel lately.. like I've been turned inside out. Like who I am on the outside wasnt really who I was.. the inside was real and is trying to come out.. I think my job had alot to do with it.. no 'feeling' allowed there, just 'doing'. I used to be so sensitive, creative, the peacekeeper. I used to make pottery, write poetry.. Its been so long.. so many years in dispatch.. 'no time to feel, just do it and feel it later'. I'm feeling it now. Its so hard to explain to people around me.. 'surprise!! I'm not really me!! I'm the me I used to be, not the me you know..' Its frustrating.. all I can do is let it happen.. I feel my strong 'survivor' self trying to fight back.. its literally a fight between the two.. I guess I'm grateful that I can recognize both parts.. (lotsa 'parts work' at the shrink) anyway.. It sort of felt like progress I think.. Here's to hoping & feeling!! :boxem:

 

[Terry]

Yep, me too. Always wondering "What was I like ?"

 

[vcc123]

Scary realization.. I remember what I was like, and thats what I want back. But its soooo far from what I am now, I dont know how to do it.. frustrating.

 

[beatle_bailey]

you are doing it VCC ,,,, thats what stinks the most about this PTSD ,,, we touch things we have stuffed foor years ,,, then when they try to come out it hurts so bad ,, down deed on our soul that we don't think we can handle what will happen if we brake ,,, I had that happen once before -- 7 yrs ago ,, It was not what or when I expected ,,,,, It just happened ,, by chance I was in a safe place ,,,,

this time I am trying to bring it on ,,, kind of controled kayos ,,

I wish no one ever had to feel such pain ,,, I thought i would lose my mine ,, but there was a great healing at the end ,, thats why I want more of what happened years ago ,,

I wish the same healing to happen for you and every one on this forum
,,,,,,,,, Beatle

 

[mouse]

Vcc123- I have always said I want the old me back, I was more fun loving spontanious, creative less aggitated. But Ilook at some of the things that gave me PTSD as faras work relatedI would never change a thing Ihelped alot of people,I decreadsed alot of pain and suffering, I was there so people didnt die alone.I feel honored to have done all this , yet alot of it has contributed to my PTSD, I look back from this angle and see who I am now well I am tired, depressed , stressed, soometimes suicidal, anxious. But I helped alot of people and from people say there is hope that one day I'll get back or close to where I was do I wish that I had not been there foor all those people no not in a heartbeat, I was given pain for healing but Someday I too will be healed. and so will you. I hope what I just said makes sense to you.

 

[vcc123]

Mouse, I agree - everything I've done in my life made me who I am now. When my Mother in law passed away last july, I was sitting by her, holding her hand. It meant alot to me to be able to be there with/for her. When MY Mom died, it was during the night.. I remember feeling so bad that she died alone. (We were all in the house, just asleep in other rooms) This last year has been so hard, so many that were close to me died. 8 funerals. Me & death are way too close now. oh well.. I go on.