Insight/suggestions please?

[Deleted member 34328]

I posted up a thread a while ago (letting out inner pain) about a first time struggle with self-harm. Found some very helpful advice on managing the desires.

I guess I'm venting a bit and needing support in this. My trauma was several years ago, but triggers by any medical procedures or even being in a medical environment. I had to have an internal procedure (gynno) done a couple of months ago. In an effort to break through a lasting dissociation, my therapist asked me to journal out the event as I remembered it. I thought that would be no problem since I was disconnected from it.

While doing as he asked, I got to a point where my memories ended. I couldn't go any further at all. I was very surprised. Had no idea. There is a complete block of time where there are no memories at all. I discovered it accidently and as yet (about a month ago now) I find nothing.

I had a trusted friend with me during the procedure, and as a help, my therapist encouraged me to ask her to write out her memories of the procedure that would help fill in the blanks. My imagination wouldn't create an ending or wonder what might have happened during that time. That helped a lot for a while, but it's become very distressing to have someone else's memories or observations and not my own. I don't have closure to this at all. All I remember is pain and fear. That's where I leave off. No relief or ending. No sense of having accomplished anything. The evidence is there that obviously the procedure did finish, I just don't remember it.

My therapist mentioned that in order to re-surface the memories, in a sense I need to break through the barrier of the pain and fear - let myself feel it again so that I can move forward. I can't do that. Either my mind won't let me go there... or I'm afraid to feel it the way I last remember it...

Two days ago, through no fault of my own, I got a scratch on my wrist, and even though it was extremely minor, I started to pull at it. Eventually tear at it until it became quite large and very painful. My skin was and is very sore and became very swollen. I don't care. I flashed back to the pain in the dr's office while doing it and it just pushed me on. I can't even say the pain felt right. It just happened. I don't really understand it. I'm afraid of it happening again. Afraid of the path it may lead down.

I want my memories back, but at the moment there's only burning pain and fear. What can I do? I need help with this.

 

[Sideways]

You may need to give yourself time, and instead of engaging with the feeling of fear, try going in the other direction. Memory is a tricky thing, and sometimes our brain needs to just have some distance from the event and feel safe again before it will let us access the memories.

Not knowing because I can't remember is something I find distressing. But the incident with your wrist would suggest to me that perhaps your mind still finds this too distressing? Idk, but being gentle with ourselves when we're struggling with stuff like this is often a good default.

 

[loui50]

I really can't offer any advice, but wanted to offer support. I've got big memory gaps from childhood and it is distressing but I don't know how to deal with it. Just wanted you to know that I read your post and I'm a listening ear so to speak.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

distance from the event and feel safe again be

Good advice...1 problem. I don't feel safe from myself. I would love "down time" and did have for quite a while since my mind suppressed it. Then my friends answers to fill in the blanks was enough.

I definitely didn't plan this. It hurts like hell! I wasn't dissociated at the time either. I knew it was me doing it.

 

[Sideways]

I don't feel safe from myself.

This issue, from what I'm hearing, is a much bigger issue right now than getting back the memory of what happened at your medical appointment.

Do you have another appointment with your T soon? If not, could you maybe give them a call or send them an email, just to give them the heads up about where you're at?

It makes sense to me that a medical appointment like that would set off a fairly significant spiral downwards, so what's happening for you, in the time after this appointment, makes sense to me. But let's priortise getting thingd back to a safe place, yeah? Your safety is always the first priority. You deserve to feel safe.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I do have an appointment tonight. He's aware of the issue.

I sent a text photo of the wound after the fact when I set it up. I was horrified at what I'd done.

 

[Sideways]

Be safe:hug:

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Thanks.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Had the session with T last night 9:00pm. Ended up being about 1 1/2 hours.

You were right @Ragdoll Circus he focused in on much deeper issues. Not excusing what I did, but went back to the original trauma. My response to myself wasn't really about the recent procedure - even if that's what I was focused on. Expressing inner pain outwardly for blame I've been carrying around for 5 years now. The intensity of my own attack was fueled by the anger and self-blame of rape.

I haven't seen him become that intense for a long time. He spoke quite a bit about redefining my own self-image and self-worth, and then dissecting the two scenarios and their similarities. A very painful session. Haven't cried in session for a long time. Can't really say as I feel so much better today.

I was told - quite forcefully - not to be repeating self-harm...and to call him when I got home - so he would know I arrived safely. Wasn't in a very good frame of mind. Thankfully I had a forum friend to help me ground. Got me home safely. Very thankful for the help. I was mostly highway driving.

Now a lot to try and digest. I thought I was way past some of this. It also brings up a lot of memories and images that I'd really rather not have to re-process.

Therapy may be necessary - but it stinks!

 

[Sideways]

Take it easy on yourself - if your pdoc has said no more SH, that can be hard to follow through with, but it is worth you. You're worth it. It seems a bit unfair that going to a necessary medical appt has brought all this up, but if it's time to confront this stuff, you're in good hands, and it sounds like you're ready.

Things like self-worth? Yeh, that's hard stuff to listen to, hard to digest. So be gentle with yourself, and keeping the communication flowing with your supports:)