Intense attachment, help

[UnicornSightings]

“Handle my feelings alone like I’ve always done”. How’s that been working for you? There are people that can help!!! You’re getting in your own way soooooooooo much!! Which I get, there’s a billion unicorns (haha that sounds funny) in front of me and what I want. You gotta tell them to step aside. Gently. For your own good.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

“Handle my feelings alone like I’ve always done”. How’s that been working for you? Th...

I'm used to being alone, it's my comfort zone really. I would pick to be alone with my dog over any event with people. Growing up as I did, I had to learn to suppress my feelings and I got used to that. I went to therapy because my family basically begged me, I was becoming very paranoid about losing my dog, and after I went to therapy he passed anyway... That was my initial reason...then all this other stuff unpacked there and I wish it had not. Not having to deal with all these feelings was great, now I am so overwhelmed, they come at me at once and I just wanna run away from myself.

I don't really want a new T, if I can work out things with the one I have, I'll keep him, I just want the feelings to go away. Hopefully we can get started on CBT and DBT work soon and it helps somehow. I'm going to see him again later this week in hopes to repair this rupture, hopefully we can get all my feelings out then and move forward someway. Maybe they will vanish on their own, who knows?

 

[DharmaGirl]

When I read your threads I see me in them. I wonder if we had the same therapist. Mine left after 4 years after assuring me over and over again he wasn't going anywhere. I still have his emails. He would over-share, and do whatever it took to help me attach to him, then throw a curve ball because I was over attached. He gave me medicine he got from his doctor wife since I had run out, offered to pay for my meds, talked a bit about his sex life with his wife, offered to give my son an expensive gift for Christmas since I didn't have the money. It just went on and on. We talked about life, giggled together, etc, but at the end, he started treating me like shit. He told me I had no more trauma. Huh? How could that be? Then he said if I did, to tell him what it was. It took me a year just to get the trauma out. Then he told me he was leaving, and I pretended to be happy for him, but I became completely retraumatized. I was a complete mess for over a year. My symptoms became worse than they ever had been.

This doesn't mean this will happen to you, but now I have a therapist who is leaving, and I am happy for her! I'm actually very invested in one of her projects, so I will be volunteering there. Even if I weren't I would miss her, but I would not fall apart, since she has always been up front and honest with me. I hope you decide to ditch him before he causes you more strife. Therapy doesn't have to be like that.

 

[Surfergal]

I've had

I'm used to being alone, it's my comfort zone really. I would pick to be alone with my dog over any...

My experience isn't the exact same as yours in that my T has always had very strict professional boundaries. Looking back, however, he did clearly encourage my attachment to him (but I'm guessing that's because it's his style of therapy). I did have the intense feelings you have for your T (and still do from time to time) and have cycled through all the emotions possible from feeling all consumed by him, loving him, caring for him, hating him for not caring, being angry at him when he hurt me, feeling like he didn't care at all, feeling like he might care, hoping that he cares but thinking that he doesn't, being angry because he wouldn't just 'tell me' he cares. It really does mess with your mind and can be so so painful so I understand where you are right now somewhat.

I don't know whether this T is for you or not but I do know that shutting down and closing yourself off again is not the answer either. It is difficult and at times will seem almost impossible to continue. I know what it's like to just want the pain to end and wish you had never started T. So many times I've told my T that if I knew how hard it would be (how much pain my feelings for him alone would cause me) that I would never have come. But as the terrible cliche goes 'it gets worse before it gets better'. You are doing a brave and difficult thing going to therapy. You will get through it.

I can say that right now I don't have the intense painful feelings for my T just a feeling of warmth and feeling cared for. Will he mess up at some stage and say or do the wrong thing and will it knock me back a few steps? Very likely... I am hoping the intense almost obsessive feelings won't come back but perhaps they will. For now, however, I am okay. I am sharing this just to let you know it does get easier even if at first its only small bursts. For me, I found it helpful when I stopped trying to fight the feelings. I know that sounds incredibly difficult but I did find it helped me somewhat.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Changes are a part of life in the real world. It sounds like you are grieving too so I can relate to this. It is painful to grieve loss of someone one cares about and that takes time. I wish you well in the transition.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

Changes are a part of life in the real world. It sounds like you are grieving too so I can relate to this....

Well I haven't lost him yet but I'm sure things will be different now that I opened my mouth... however yes I am still grieving another big loss from oct in my life, which my T helped me through but when I lose him for good, I wont have anyone to help me there. Sucks but it's life

 

[blackemerald1]

I'm not trying to sound unsympathetic here so please don't take this suggestion as that or overly simplistic.

Can you afford to get & love another dog whilst doing the programs you are expecting to do with this T?

As someone already said this is life...real life. You are grieving & discovered how vulnerable you are. Being vulnerable is being human. You cannot stop being a human. It's often a painful experience no matter how hard you try to avoid everything & everyone.

I don't know if this T is manipulating you or you are still in the depths of grief & confusion. Is this in another thread? If so I'm sorry I am off on a tangent.

You seem to be worrying a lot about your next loss. This being your current T.

Get ahead of this. Know why you are going to T, what the course of treatment this T is planning & as already suggested work really hard. Make assessments - real assessments of how you are going with this T and with therapy. Not self loathing real practical thinking - what are you getting out of this?

You are the client in a very special relationship with another person who is charging you money to assist/resolve with what eventually brought you to T in the first place.

If you are not making progress or you have any doubt's about this T or therapy...have a think. If you are setting yourself up for more grief & trauma find another therapist & or, get a dog?

You have to take responsibility. It's your life, money & time.
Much hope for healing & peace to you.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I'm not trying to sound unsympathetic here so please don't take this suggestion as that or overly...

Oh I should have been clear, I still have a dog. I had 2, I just lost the one I had for 16 years. The one who was my life. I have his brother still and he even goes to therapy with me :)

I have literally been terrified about losing my T since my other dog first got sick in summer, I told him.... so I'm gonna lose my dog soon, then you and my other dog, all the most important ones in my life... so he is well aware of that fear, I've just been shutting the topic of losing him down until now... although I wish I had because everything feels too different now.

I already have resolved my initial reason for going to T.... only issue is, more crap came undone and I got super attached along the way. I'm not gonna lie, many sessions I've gone mainly to see him. I don't think I am actually fixable though.... so I am trying to just work in my phobia stuff and nothing more so I can wrap up sooner than later.

 

[blackemerald1]

I can relate to the loss of your dog mine died after 16 years of love. I'm still not over that really. But I accept he isn't by my side & I choose to remember him my way.

I'm old enough now to say I have lost a lot in my life & I'm going to lose even more sooner than later.

I don't quite understand your question anymore now. Sorry it's me, not you.

If you have been avoiding stuff with your therapist that you need to resolve... please don't waste any more time. Your T isn't a prospective partner - don't treat him that way. Remember what you are going to therapy for. Write it down & give it to him if you must. So you can stay on track & not just going for a chit chat.

I've written down absolute crap. Put it down & read it again a couple of days later & thought no, this is something I don't have to discuss during a consult. (More important things to work on).
Go well!

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I can relate to the loss of your dog mine died after 16 years of love. I'm still not over that rea...

I am still deeply attached to him, that is my question, how to rid those feelings. Luckily I've lost interest in friendship with him. I don't care about it anymore but the feelings of wanting to see him, talk to him etc are still there and strong, sigh

I have tons of issue, obviously LOL... with trust and relationships and self worth etc but that takes ages to work through, I'm not gonna waste his time with it. Sadly he is not a big fan of clients working with him for years and years so since I've already been almost 1 year, I need to decide what's most important and easiest to work through before the 2 year mark, so phobias it is. I can deal with the other stuff, I've lived my whole life that way and honestly I don't want a relationship, never have, and I am not really wanting new friends so I don't think it's too important to work though my trust issues etc. I do write things down alot though, I've got all my notes for tomorrow already to go. Just need to hope we can work through the awkwardness I've now created

Lastly... you had a 16 year old pup too? Awesome. What kind? Did they pass from old age? Mine was a husky, he had cancer. My therapist got to know him, as he went to sessions with me too.... so it was nice having someone support me through it that actually knew my dog.

 

[UnicornSightings]

DogLover33, do you have a lot of activities outside of therapy? Plans and goals? Things you do? Things and people you can focus on that can take up some of your mental energy and get rid of the obsessive thinking about your t? I find that really helps for me. Other people in my life that I can look up to and things to work on that I need to concentrate on, vacations to be excited for, etc. That stuff really helps. Building a fun-filled life. And it doesn’t have to involve a lot of other people. I don’t have a ton of people I talk to and I’m really good with that right now, although it’s a goal. But I work on things that will get me to the next version of myself. Where do you want to be in a year? 5 years? What steps do you need to get there and is this t helping you or hindering you? Honestly I was way too attached to my last t and her leaving was the best thing for me. I’m back on track now and while that was super painful I’m grateful for the experience and for its ending. And I know I can tackle it again but smarter. I just hope you have things that make you feel alive cause life is so hard when you don’t have those things.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

DogLover33, do you have a lot of activities outside of therapy? Plans and goals? Things you...

Not really no. I have alot of social anxiety issues, my T thinks I have avoidant personality disorder, I just can't handle people much. I am completely honest when I say I prefer to be alone or with my dog most days.

Also since my recent grief, I've found it so hard to find joy in things I used to love and I feel like I am not the same person anymore. I am still trying to figure out who I am now without my dog. He was literally my life, nearly everything I did day to day involved him, for 16 years. I'm lost without him

I mostly just watch movies or play games on my phone, I journal alot though and walk my dog every day. I do my best to keep distracted and busy... but mostly I think of him when I am sad or at night before bed when I'm relaxed