Intense Triggers At Work

[whiteraven]

My PTSD symptoms have increased in both frequency and intensity over the last 5 or 6 months, esp. at work. I've always had issues at this job. Certain members of management bully employees, there is a lack of ethics across the board that everyone is expected to support and a disrespect for anyone under management. About a year ago, I became part of the management team (after it was given to someone else but I was expected to do all the work) and have been doing it since.

While I generally like the work (although it is not my passion and, if I felt I had a choice, I would never choose to do it), my current manager does not treat me with respect and, in fact, seldom even keeps me in the loop on matters of importance with regard to the department or our staff. Some of the other staff who know this believe it is because she feels threatened by me; I am older, have been with the company and the department longer, and I know our work backwards and forwards and she has not even trained on the work (she refused when she took the job as manager).

All of this has led to a number of extremely triggery issues for me. I am to the point where I am panicked and sobbing on the way to work, very anxious and teary while I'm there, taking repeated breaks to my car or the bathroom to cry, and spending all my time off recovering from the week.

I need to find something else. No. I MUST FIND SOMETHING ELSE.

I have some ideas. I just don't know how to bring them to fruition. But I do know if I don't do something soon, I'm not going to make it.

 

[Freedomfighter]

So sorry for your pain, I have always marveled at how good people have to bend over backwards everyday to appease bad people just so they can keep their job. It disgusts me that a good worker would have to through such extremes to get away from a bad crowd.

 

[whiteraven]

Thank you for hearing me. I just feel like I am breaking and there is no way to stop it.

 

[Muted]

I just feel like I am breaking and there is no way to stop it.

I can so relate to this feeling of breaking and not feeling like I can stop it!!!

I can also relate to the job experience. I don't know what your options are financially, but I do know that trauma at a job takes a toll and often the longer you stay the longer it can take to recover, more counseling, etc...

Even if it's triggering past trauma, it reinforces that trauma. It can beat you down until you have nothing left to fight with. I don't know the specifics as far as if there is a specific complaint you can file, but it might be worth checking with an attorney. Sometimes it's not worth going through that additional stress, because you can't save anyone else from it if you can't save yourself.

Keep us posted... I wish you the best.

Gia

 

[whiteraven]

I can so relate to this feeling of breaking and not feeling like I can stop it!!!

I can also relate t...

Thank you, Gia. Nothing I can really file a complaint legally for; it's more just a constant bullying and relentless brow-beating.

If I could afford it, I would take a short-term leave of absence, but I really can't. I'm trying to make arrangements for other work, but nothing will come soon enough.

No one here seems to understand how intensely painful this has been and continues to be for me. I experience a kind of dread before I go to work every day, and a deep anxiety all day while there. It is like I am in my abusers' presence, all day every day, while I am in that building.

 

[Muted]

I am so sorry you're going through this @whiteraven.

I have been through horrible job situations, but one in particular that I'm still trying to recover from a number of years later... unfortunately, I've seen these types of patterns repeat in my own life and some of those close to me that also have PTSD. It's hard to heal and make new patterns in the midst of it.

I'm trying to get out of my own job situation, because of the stress and dysfunction. But, right now I don't have another option. By the grace of God, I've been able to stay as long as I have without walking out the door.

But, I understand where you're at. I hope you have support to help you and encourage you through this time. It's easy to be inclined to isolate, but so important to be able to process through the day with someone who can be a support. Sometimes just knowing you can vent at the end of the day, can be a little help to you get through it.

It takes an enormous amount of emotional energy to be at a job that many hours a week and be on guard constantly. The more you can practice self-care during the off hours, the better...

I'm not sure if any of this helps, but I do understand and empathize with your anxiety and what you're going through. I hope you have a little break during the holidays to be extra nurturing to yourself. Hang in there @whiteraven!

 

[whiteraven]

Thanks, Gia. That's another problem. No support.

 

[Muted]

Well we are here for you @whiteraven. There are plenty of us who can work together and support you through this tough time! That's what we're here for!!

@whoteraven, you WILL get through this! You're stronger than you realize.

 

[Jim Me]

I am so sorry you're going through this @whiteraven.

I have been through horrible...

I've been there big-time, abused at work, even the rush and obligation of work is a trigger for me and, I have learned, for others.

@whiteraven
I'm very sorry that I don't know what you can afford financially to do, or what resources you have for locating a better job. I can only say that we are in a "gig economy" and no potential employer in their right mind should fault you for switching jobs. So, no shame in changing employers to get a better deal, in my view.

I guess the problem is how, because maybe you don't know where to look. I personally get intimidated by a job search.

One thing I have learned is, as long as my heart is beating, anything is possible for me, and same for everyone.

Also, it's great to tell people you know that you're looking for a new job--even if you think somehow they'll judge you--because people often think better of us than we think of ourselves.

I sincerely believe that there must must must be a better situation out there for you. The pain is excruciating right now, I imagine. I wish I could do more than offer some of my personal thoughts and advice.

 

[whiteraven]

Thank you, @Jim Me. It's hard for me to even read here, it's so triggering. Just makes me anxious and start to sob.

 

[Jim Me]

Thank you, @Jim Me. It's hard for me to even read here, it's so triggering. Just...

Do you have someone, like a counselor? Seriously, even a could self-help book, will give real guidance and hope. I'm reading Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving, and it's really helping me. Also, I search for CPTSD on YouTube for some support. Or, maybe better some kick-butt positive power affirmation vids. You may also want to see if your state bar association can get you a discounted initial consultation with an employment rights or workplace related attorney. You deserve to get what you want.