Intentional Overdose, Christmas In The Hospital

[crazy8]

Hello...I haven't been active much lately but I do come here often and read. I wish I had the energy to help others more, but my symptoms have intensified tremendously lately...

Christmas (Dec 23rd-26th) was spent in the hospital ICU after I intentionally overdosed on aspirin...36 adult pills... Let me tell you, that is NOT a pleasant experience. Aspirin eats holes in your stomach, and I still have trouble eating from that experience. I was held against my will because they were concerned I would kill myself if I left. I had a 24/7 security guard/suicide watcher at my bedside. Still reeling from the intrusion into my personal space having a suicide watcher near me 24/7. His presence - unwanted and invading for my PTSD personality - was a continual trigger. Xanax was the only way I could stop from having continual panic attacks, emotional flashback, and dry heaving from the emotions in the hospital. I tried to escape twice, but when I learned that my $5,000+ medical bills for detox, hospital stay and IVs would not be paid for by insurance if I fled (they call it "abscondment" - leaving against medical advice), I decided to stay. They also said they would send police after me if I left - apparently a legal course of action, because the hospital psychiatrist deemed me "incompetent" to make my own decisions due to mental impairment from my PTSD....before even seeing me...and then he waited 2 days to come and talk to me while I waited in the hospital... I can't talk about that anymore or I will become so angry I will have another flashback.

Lately, I have gone off all my meds and am using marijuana to suppress the most painful emotions as needed. I am very open and honest with my T and my doc about this. Having marijuana does give me anxiety sometimes because it's illegal and I am hiding it from my roommate. But the therapeutic effects, for me, are immense. I'm worried about the long term effects of this on my motivation and intellect (I am a graduate student pursuing a career in academia).

Still struggling with keeping on weight...people look at me with concern; I am becoming emaciated but cannot conjure myself to eat - it's too painful and the nausea is too intense, always accompanying my painful PTSD emotions, which have overwhelmed me lately. The marijuana allows me to eat, so I just smoked a little bit and was able to eat an entire sausage/egg/cheese/bagel breakfast sandwich and am now eating fruit chews...probably the most I've eaten at once in days or weeks.

Continuing to have intense suicidal thoughts...telling my T as often as I can. Did a lot of therapeutic writing the past few days...topics for therapy Saturday.

That's all for now... I am just trying to quite literally survive the next few days/weeks. I am thankful for everyone's presence on this forum during some of my most incapacitatingly painful emotional times.

Happy New Year.

 

[HelenB]

Sorry to hear you have had such a difficult Christmas. I am glad you are able to be honest with your therapist and Dr's and know that is so important and that as you do keep taking those small steps, which I know for me can sometimes be a minute at a time, that you will gradually be able to become stronger, and the way you have written and fact that you do appear so aware of the things going on, even when it is so hard to fight them, is so important, and will help you as you face it all.

Keep taking each step at a time and remember you are worth it. You do deserve to eat. You do deserve to have self care and to live, and to have the good life you are capable of. Though I imagine grad school can be hard at times, I am so glad you do have it to hold on to for your future, and for the future you really do deserve and hope that somewhere within all the difficulties you are able to take hold of that and the real worth of the person you are, as you go forward from here.

God bless
Helen

 

[crazy8]

Thanks, Helen. This is a "Jesus take the wheel" kind of situation; I appreciate the blessings.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Aw damn, that sounds awful. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that and deal with incompetent people who thought you couldn't think before actually talking to you in person, that's enraging.

just smoked a little bit and was able to eat an entire sausage/egg/cheese/bagel breakfast sandwich and am now eating fruit chews...

:tup: Way to go. I know how hard it is to eat, although in my case it's more of a mindset thing that prevents me from eating enough. I'm glad the smoking is helping you eat. Here marihuana is semi-legal and I'm happy for that, I wish you could just teleport for a moment! It's hard enough without having that on your mind as well.

Did a lot of therapeutic writing the past few days...topics for therapy Saturday.

Keep it up!! You can do it.

 

[Yugogypsy]

Sorry to hear about this. I avoid hospitals at all cost. What stops me cold from going there are the people. I use weed to get me through and I have prescription for it... I still get nervous after years of being told that it's illegal and now it's legal, still gets me nervous.... Around here, we have medicinal marijuana and recreational use legally. Seeing cops will get me pissed so I can relate. I used to do a lot of journaling for therapy and now I can't seem to bring myself to call it therapy. I want to send words of encouragements but unsure of what will set you off. Hope you find your safe place to recover other than the hospital.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am so sorry you had to go thru this. I overdosed on aspirin once. So physically painful and more dangerous than barbiturates.

I don't know if it messed up your hearing but it did mine. Major tinnitus and blocked up.

I was involuntarily committed. That was awful too. Need I say the entire time I was in the hospital, I was in fight or flight every single second. I just kept thinking I have to shower every day and brush my hair and put on mascara etc. because I remember reading that doctors think women are getting better if they pay attention to hygiene. I was never so aware of the value of personal freedom.

I get intense nausea when I am down, etc. and have trouble eating. The only thing that really helps is that I can almost always eat chocolate chip milk shakes and that helps keep the calories coming in. And doing everything I can think of to feel safe, When I feel safe, I can eat. Also just a couple peanut butter sandwiches a day can bring good protein in and bring physical strength.

I hope you feel better soon. You will get thru this!

 

[crazy8]

Thanks for the encouragement, @Radise. I should also add that while my emotionally-induced nausea is a barrier to eating, I also have some anorexic tendencies, so that complicates my eating patterns and weight issues quite a lot.

I have never been congratulated for smoking marijuana before, that's a first, haha. Thanks. I do consider the appetitive and anti-anxiety effects to be baby steps the right direction. I actually have a small, portable vaporizer coming in the mail to heat up the leaves enough to release their THC but without combusting the marijuana - so no smoke to inhale...healthier, I think.

 

[crazy8]

I want to send words of encouragements but unsure of what will set you off. Hope you find your safe place to recover other than the hospital.

Thanks...your thoughtfulness here is encouraging all on its own!

 

[crazy8]

Yes, @franciemarnie, aspirin overdose is incredibly physically painful. The tinnitus caused temporary hearing loss and migraine headaches that were so incapacitating and painful that I couldn't move my head or eyes. Not to mention the nausea and incessant vomiting. I still have the "acid" feeling in my stomach, and it's been a week since the OD. Thinking I should mention this to my doc in case of an ulcer.

I do have some occasional tinnitus now still. Actually, I became more aware of it after I read your post here, ha. Oh well, I was bound to notice sometime soon. My salicylate blood levels were very high from the OD, but not quite high enough to kill me.

As odd as this sounds, I actually calculated the number of milligrams per kilogram of my body weight (so, a very accurate dose with predictably commensurate toxic effects) that research studies say is enough to cause toxicity with some long term damage, but not a high enough dose to go into a coma, so risk of death was actually not too high. I wanted to just suffer...and suffer, I did, and suffer, I continue to do. What a broken perspective I have...

Being involuntarily committed sounds like a terrifying experience. I definitely know what you mean by "every second I was triggered". I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I'm not going to go into details on this topic, because it's a trigger for me. But I do empathize with you.

 

[franciemarnie]

If I may recommend re: the acid - please take 1/2 tsp. baking soda morning, afternoon and night to being your body's pH back into balance and lower the acidity. You can get pH strips at the drugstore to check your pH (acidity) level. Should be about 7.30 or around there. Yours is probably well below 6.

And oh do I remember the vomiting. I literally thought I was going to die in agony v slipping away peacefully. I'm so sorry for this experience. It's an awful awful thing to go thru. And awful to want to suffer. You sure don't deserve it. You deserve the opposite.

 

[crazy8]

If I may recommend re: the acid - please take 1/2 tsp. baking soda morning, afternoon and night to being your body's pH back into balance and lower the acidity. You can get pH strips at the drugstore to check your pH (acidity) level. Should be about 7.30 or around there. Yours is probably well below 6.

Good call...thank you. I assume you did this or received this advice from a doctor?

 

[Britt.f7]

I'm sorry you went through this and felt the need to do it. I OD'd when I was 17. It definitely wasn't a pleasant experience. To this day I think it is why I am reluctant to even take my medicine(though I do).

I hope your stomach heals quickly. I'm sure it is going to take more then a week, unfortunately.