Intentional Overdose, Christmas In The Hospital

[Lucycat]

@crazy8 I am so sorry that you had such a crap time over Christmas. I OD'd in January 2 years ago. It was only one night in hospital - they wanted to keep me longer, but T agreed to come and see me at home even though it was the weekend so they reluctantly let me out.

What gets me is not so much the time in hospital, but recalling how distressed I felt when I took the pills. I never want to feel like that again - but now have an action plan in place if I do - like who to tell and what to say etc.

I am glad you are home again. Stay safe and take good care of yourself. My thoughts are with you at this tough time.

 

[HelenB]

I have still been reading your thread and am so sorry that you really wanted to make yourself suffer from this. I really hope that you are able to find some comfort to really give to yourself in this time as I know it can be so hard. I know for myself that when I feel like that and want to make myself suffer so much a lot of it is because I am so scared of the emotion which I have and just want to punish myself and get rid if it in any way possible as in a crazy way that feels safer than really facing it and giving myself the comfort which I do deserve. That said it is still very hard but I know I do have to make a conscious choice and really am trying to do that, as I have learnt more than ever that it wasn't the abuse itself which has caused such long term damage, but the massive negative self attitude which I have come away from, and in reality, though it is still so hard to stop it, I know it is me now who is causing myself the most damage and do know that the only real way to freedom is really making a choice to try and change this, even if it is so hard.

I really hope you are able to see that in reality you really did not deserve to suffer and still do not, and really hope you are able to give yourself the comfort and nurture which you need so much at this time and do deserve.

God bless
Helen

 

[crazy8]

it wasn't the abuse itself which has caused such long term damage, but the massive negative self attitude which I have come away from, and in reality, though it is still so hard to stop it, I know it is me now who is causing myself the most damage and do know that the only real way to freedom is really making a choice to try and change this, even if it is so hard.

What insight you have! I am going to think about this - I think I may be the same way. Thanks.

I really hope you are able to see that in reality you really did not deserve to suffer and still do not

<Sigh> I vascillate wildly between feeling hopeful and deserving of love/happiness (primarily because of my faith in God), and feeling utter despair and hopelessness and wortlessness. This very topic is my current #1 therapy priority, which my T has been emailing with me about quite a bit lately...he's great, emails me a lot to help process things that I am unable to verbalize in our therapy sessions.

Your insight is valuable. Thanks. I hope that your insights have been able to translate into a lifestyle where you feel deserving of goodness/happiness and can receive it regularly. I hope I can get there too sometime.

 

[HelenB]

I am definitely still on the journey of working it all out, but know that for me at least starting to want to make those choices and also wanting to learn to be able to believe and accept the truth which I know God says about me is a very important part of it and a journey I am still on.

For me a massive turning point came when I was having ministry at a Christian ministry centre, Ellel ministries, and during that week make the conscious decision to choose life and not death. Though it has not been easy (including going back on it massively when I took an OD about two years ago, something I never thought I would actually do to my children) it really was a turning point and at that point when I had been very ill with anorexia, that decision and choosing to take hold of the promises God really had for me, really helped and though I still struggle a lot, have made massive progress since then and really do try and keep going back to that decision and learning more and more to see things as God does, as I know that is so important.

That said it is still very hard, but I really do believe the hope God gives us in the bible is sure and steadfast and in the places where I am stronger and have learnt that so much, am still trying to feed it into the other areas of myself which still feel so scared and hurting and am still finding things so hard.

I do hope for you that you can become stronger in the truths you do know about yourself and in taking hold of the hope and reality of the goodness and blessing which you do so deserve as you also journey this and learn to become and accept the massively full of worth person which you really are and were created to be.

God bless
Helen

 

[Yugogypsy]

Make yourself suffer from this from Helen B? I'm bothered... Really? If abuse happens, we make ourself suffer from this. We're the victim. Don't make the victim suffer more than what really happened. I'm sorry, I got stuck on this "blaming the victim" quote. If you hit me, I make myself suffer. Please clarify.

 

[HelenB]

@Yugogypsy I am not totally certain what you are saying, but think you are referring to when I said about how it is now it is no longer the abuser causing the damage but me because of the negative self attitudes we have taken on because of the abuse.

@crazy8 wrote:

I wanted to just suffer...and suffer, I did, and suffer, I continue to do. What a broken perspective I have...

This was talking about the overdose which she has just taken. This was not her abuser doing this to her and forcing her to suffer, but her, and though her thought processes and negative self attitudes are likely to be taken on as a direct result of the abuse I still stand by what I say that for me it is now me causing the most damage to myself, and though this is due to the abuse, it is still my negative self image and wanting to still punish and hate myself now, which causes so many of my problems.

I hope this makes sense and assume that it was this comment you were wanting me to clarify. In no way do I think this makes it the abused persons fault. I think these are natural defences, which for a time certainly helped me to cope and deal with the abuse, but long term recognising the effect they are still having in my life, when the abuse is no longer happening, has certainly helped me on my journey and moving through to more acceptance instead of myself.

Helen