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desiderata310
VIP Member
He already knows these things.
I guess I'm just tired of myself
I guess I'm just tired of myself
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Interesting Text Exchange
- Post starter desiderata310
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sun seeker
Diamond Member
What post she wrote me? When? Where? Sorry, I'm just coming in and trying to catch up and feeling a little lost. Am I supposed to know something about this? @joeylittle
- Post starter
- #63
desiderata310
VIP Member
@sun seeker I THINK she meant @Junebug
sun seeker
Diamond Member
Oh! Okay, thanks @desiderata310. I was pretty out of it for a few days and was worried that maybe I was being more forgetful than I'd thought. That explains it though. Carry on!
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- #65
desiderata310
VIP Member
Just got this via email
What a f*cking LIE.
It was punative it was punishment. He DID chastise me. He WAS angry BOTH TIMES. Those are not subjective interpretations or distortions. That's minimizing.
II'm furious.
I got the call that we are offically rehoming Rory. He tried to attack a woman today. He attacked Buddy, my cat, last week. He's offically washed out of service work and can't even safely be considered a pet for me.
II don't remember feeling quite so alone and betrayed in quite some time.
Desi,
I am not punishing you or being punitive. I did not chastise you. You are not in trouble. Those are subjective interpretations and distortions.
I understand your confusion and the rationale for not seeing the NP. The thing is that you should have gone anyway.
Planning on meeting tomorrow @ 7:30 unless I hear otherwise.
What a f*cking LIE.
It was punative it was punishment. He DID chastise me. He WAS angry BOTH TIMES. Those are not subjective interpretations or distortions. That's minimizing.
II'm furious.
I got the call that we are offically rehoming Rory. He tried to attack a woman today. He attacked Buddy, my cat, last week. He's offically washed out of service work and can't even safely be considered a pet for me.
II don't remember feeling quite so alone and betrayed in quite some time.
Desi,
I am not punishing you or being punitive. I did not chastise you. You are not in trouble. Those are subjective interpretations and distortions.
I understand your confusion and the rationale for not seeing the NP. The thing is that you should have gone anyway.
Planning on meeting tomorrow @ 7:30 unless I hear otherwise.
I think this is the difficulty in trying to resolve things by email.
You experienced him as being punitive and felt you were being chastised. He seems to be saying that's not what was behind his actions. He's correct in saying your feelings are subjective, all of our feelings are subjective and influenced by how we perceive or experience a set of circumstances or an event. Your subjective experience was that he behaved in a punitive way, based on the timing of events and the communication you got from him. There are better ways for him to clarify and explain where he was coming from, but that's a conversation to be had, not an email exchange.
My concern isn't that he doesn't agree with you or "admit" he was being punitive - I can see why you'd both have different views on that - its that he seems to struggle with managing boundaries in his work with you, eg changes your session frequency, by email, without discussion and now is getting into a conflict over something that's impacted you significantly by email. A better response would have been to acknowledge your email and offer to talk it through in session. It's a shame he didn't do that.
I hope you're ok, I can see how horrible it's been for you.
You experienced him as being punitive and felt you were being chastised. He seems to be saying that's not what was behind his actions. He's correct in saying your feelings are subjective, all of our feelings are subjective and influenced by how we perceive or experience a set of circumstances or an event. Your subjective experience was that he behaved in a punitive way, based on the timing of events and the communication you got from him. There are better ways for him to clarify and explain where he was coming from, but that's a conversation to be had, not an email exchange.
My concern isn't that he doesn't agree with you or "admit" he was being punitive - I can see why you'd both have different views on that - its that he seems to struggle with managing boundaries in his work with you, eg changes your session frequency, by email, without discussion and now is getting into a conflict over something that's impacted you significantly by email. A better response would have been to acknowledge your email and offer to talk it through in session. It's a shame he didn't do that.
I hope you're ok, I can see how horrible it's been for you.
I agree with @Suzetig he is not managing professional boundaries. I'm just astounded that he shared his emotional feelings with you in a text and admits to feeling 'mad'. Human or not, that is unprofessional. Even more unprofessional is to admit that he will be cancelling with you at such late notice for a personal and unnecessary reason. I find it all a little bizarre. Couldn't he surf with his son Friday am instead?! Not that you should have to even consider such things. He is not managing his personal and professional boundaries. I had issues with my last T when I felt she blurred the lines. He knows you have ptsd so he should know not to do this type of thing. And he should only discuss reducing the regularity of sessions with you in person. @darrenS has a valid point about limiting contact outside of therapy. This type of communication is only leading to confusion and upset and if he is initiating this it's a big red flag in my opinion.
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- #69
desiderata310
VIP Member
@GWhizz his decision to tell me, very abruptly that he was changing the frequency of the sessions, and cancel on Tuesday in the same breath as he told me everything else- yeah.. hard NOT to view it as a punitive measure.
I stil have two hours before my sesssion and I've been up for an hour and a half already- even with muscle relaxers. It's been a rough night.
I don't know how I am going to face him this morning, knowing that he doesn't respect me anymore than he does.
There was a week about a month ago when I was working with the greyhound lady when I got upset because she was sharing my information with people and being very intrusive. I was crying and said "I am not someone's PROJECT"
He quickly said, 'You're not my project"
heh.. I didn't really jump on that one. I was too upset at the time. But it did stick with me. Protesting just a bit much there, T?
My expereince has always been that people who view others as "projects" have a certain power/vested interest/whatever over that person and they feel it gives them the right to judge the person they are 'helping'
No. I'm not his project but perhaps he's forgotten that.
I stil have two hours before my sesssion and I've been up for an hour and a half already- even with muscle relaxers. It's been a rough night.
I don't know how I am going to face him this morning, knowing that he doesn't respect me anymore than he does.
There was a week about a month ago when I was working with the greyhound lady when I got upset because she was sharing my information with people and being very intrusive. I was crying and said "I am not someone's PROJECT"
He quickly said, 'You're not my project"
heh.. I didn't really jump on that one. I was too upset at the time. But it did stick with me. Protesting just a bit much there, T?
My expereince has always been that people who view others as "projects" have a certain power/vested interest/whatever over that person and they feel it gives them the right to judge the person they are 'helping'
No. I'm not his project but perhaps he's forgotten that.
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Oh I feel for you. I am with you on the insomnia - it makes therapy and trying to rationalise it so much more complicated.
My last T kept insisting that I was annoyed at or angry with her. I spent so much energy trying to tell her that if I seemed angry it certainly wasn't at her, that I was just feeling sore that I had to be in therapy to start with. As in, it's like paying twice - once with the actual abuse and twice having to try to stop it impacting my present life. Then she would just say 'oh I know you don't mean to be mad at me, it's transference'. And I'd be like 'no I'm not mad at you at all, not even in a distorted displacement way' grrr! I know my T was right on almost everything but times like this her opinions and interpretations got the better of her.
I really hope this morning goes well for you. Stay strong.
My last T kept insisting that I was annoyed at or angry with her. I spent so much energy trying to tell her that if I seemed angry it certainly wasn't at her, that I was just feeling sore that I had to be in therapy to start with. As in, it's like paying twice - once with the actual abuse and twice having to try to stop it impacting my present life. Then she would just say 'oh I know you don't mean to be mad at me, it's transference'. And I'd be like 'no I'm not mad at you at all, not even in a distorted displacement way' grrr! I know my T was right on almost everything but times like this her opinions and interpretations got the better of her.
I really hope this morning goes well for you. Stay strong.
joeylittle
Sponsor
Maybe he was out sick for the day they did Boundaries in Psych 101. I think it's at the root of these issues, his inability to maintain a helpful professional distance.
I think there's also the question, what are you willing to tolerate? Since no practitioner is totally perfect, there will always be something. Could be as small as they chew gum to as big as they take things personally in unhelpful ways.
My therapist cannot admit that he was wrong. He can own mistakes, but not certain kinds of assumptions. However, it is tolerable, because it doesn't screw me up on the inside. I can observe it, and not mind. He over-promises. This one bugs me more, but it's actually been helpful for me to learn how to follow up without taking it personally. So I'm ok with it.
You're probably past whether or not you went....so this advice is after the fact. But just think about what flaws you can tolerate and which ones hurt or hinder your recovery. Then try and talk about the latter. He should be able to have that conversation without getting defensive. I'd think. And he should be able to apologize, but you might need to tell him for what (that picking up the pieces comment comes to mind. Totally unnecessary.)
Thinking of you.
I think there's also the question, what are you willing to tolerate? Since no practitioner is totally perfect, there will always be something. Could be as small as they chew gum to as big as they take things personally in unhelpful ways.
My therapist cannot admit that he was wrong. He can own mistakes, but not certain kinds of assumptions. However, it is tolerable, because it doesn't screw me up on the inside. I can observe it, and not mind. He over-promises. This one bugs me more, but it's actually been helpful for me to learn how to follow up without taking it personally. So I'm ok with it.
You're probably past whether or not you went....so this advice is after the fact. But just think about what flaws you can tolerate and which ones hurt or hinder your recovery. Then try and talk about the latter. He should be able to have that conversation without getting defensive. I'd think. And he should be able to apologize, but you might need to tell him for what (that picking up the pieces comment comes to mind. Totally unnecessary.)
Thinking of you.
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