Interesting Text Exchange

[desiderata310]

We didn't actually get to meet because of construction happening at the office that he didn't know about.

Instead we spoke briefly for about ten minutes(with a very irate me) about what happened because I told him I wasn't going to wait until next Friday to talk about this.

What everyone said about his boundaries was correct- though he didn't say it in those words. He insisted it wasn't punitive but it was a reaction to me not going to the doctor and he didn't want to be around to have to deal with it to 'pick up the pieces' He insisted that I should have gone regardless of if he called the dr or not.

I told him it wasn't WHAT but HOW he had done things. He talked about the fact that he had said weeks ago that we were going to move to once a week but had never done that for several reasons. I said, I didn't have a problem with moving back to once a week, that I was ready to move back to once a week. THE WAY he announced it and the sequence of events was what was my biggest issue.

I think I actually told him it was a dick move.

When he iniststed that I should have gone to see the DR I got really upset and said that he wanted me to play by his rules. He accused me of just being "embarrassed"

He said I could have gone to a different doctor. oh. wait.
That's Doctor Shopping.

I realize that one thing that he really doesn't seem to appreciate is that it's a HUGE sticking point that I do what I say I'm going to do. With that doctor I was made to look like a liar. He just thought all that was silly.

He pointed out that I have a huge problem trusting him. That's not going to change significantly. I don't really trust ANYONE. It seems to offend him that I don't trust him. He doesn't seems to understand that that muscle gets stretched every single time I go in there. I'm unapologetic about not trusting. Oh... wait.. I have PTSD in part from sexual trauma as a little kid. No I don't really trust people.

He never even hinted at apologizing.

We are supposed to be meeting on Monday. I'm still not sure if this can be salvaged but I am not starting over. I either make do with him or I don't do. He didn't seem to like that I made that proclimation.

I've found a Psychatrist to take me next week to get me sleeping meds which is actually a huge accomplishment

 

[GWhizz]

Well done finding a psych yourself.

I totally get the honesty thing - I always do my best to follow through on things and I hate people who say they'll do things but won't really follow through - guess it's part of our trust issues.

As for him being bothered by your lack of trust in him, that's a bit weird. My last T never pressured on that. She always reinforced that it just takes time, maybe months, even years, maybe never. She totally acknowledged times when I felt she broke boundaries and the trust she'd begun to build broke down again. That's what I liked about her - she was the 1st person I got close to about my history who would actually acknowledge her mistakes or even potential wrong-doings if I had just interpreted something the wrong way. He needs to be able to admit when he's in the wrong, that he's not perfect. That, to me, would make him worthy of some trust.

But I can't see that happening from what you've told here. I don't know the full story and I know you've probably invested a lot in this relationship, but if it were me, I'd look for someone new. It doesn't seem like he gets you. Like a bad romantic relationship, don't be afraid to leave what you've built here or afraid you'll never find a better match. Changing T was really difficult for me. But I've learned so much in the process. I've learned about my mistakes in therapy, but more importantly I've learned that my last T didn't have the right skillset to deal with my particular issues. She was great if I had only been attending for my initial complaint of postnatal depression. But she had no real trauma experience and couldn't offer me the coping skills I waited around over a year hoping to work on. Maybe I'm wrong and he is a good fit for you. But I don't think so if you can't put any trust in him at all and keep coming up with issues like this. Therapy should aim to deal with your issues, not therapy related issues!

 

[desiderata310]

I realized today that I had also hit on several different triggers for me throughout this process. Right or wrong, good or bad, there they are!

1. Someone telling me I SHOULD be on medication. Quite frankly, for anything. I've been told repeatedly by abusers my whole life that I'm crazy and should be medicated when in fact I was being gaslighted

2. Someone telling that they will pull away if I don't do something.

3. The sense that someone is trying to control my life via manipulation

5. Someone telling me that there is something wrong with ME for not trusting them. Regardless of what that person acts like.

Regardless of what did it did not happen or who's at fault. Those are now known and enormous triggers.

Another trigger for me that's very confusing: someone telling me that they LIKE me. I become terrified if someone says they like me.

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess that's what I meant by stopping, I rarely realize what triggers me, but over time we can stop & get better at waiting to understand more completely ourselves & what's at play before allowing our minds to decide for us. We won't necessarily not be triggered, or not feel what we do or not doubt, but we can recognize it has to do with trauma.

Once, I figured out I was triggered by carpet. But my mind came up with a lot of emotions & explanations that didn't involve a trigger (& I never would have thought of carpet).It took months of persevering through the negatives & fear I felt before I understood.

Being forced (required) to look downward is a trigger for me. Unfortunately, now I do it naturally because I was also told my 'smile' made me to blame, so in essence I'm asking to trigger myself.

Yep, it's weird. Good for you in identifying so much.