Internal Anxiety

[zeckster81]

Does anyone suffer from internal anxiety? What I mean is where you don't show symptoms but feel them. My husband suffers from this. It is really hard to tell when he is anxious. I was wondering if anyone had any advice for how I can help him. He has been getting slightly better at verbalizing it, but struggles with talking about it.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Before my anxiety got to the way it is now, yes I internalized my anxiety. People I worked with and friends never knew. I even have some friends that now know say that they NEVER would have guessed, I was so calm.

I don't know of any way to really help him, except to be very supportive when he does tell you. When he isn't anxious, sit down and ask him what could you do to help him when he's anxious. It may be that he needs to be left alone, or he made need some validation, just listen to what he asks of you and try to be constant in supplying that need when he tells you he's anxious. Another thing is I know its hard to verbalize it, but maybe the both of you could come up with a cue he could give you when he starts getting anxious?

I know what it feels like to have anxiety, but not what it is like to support someone. I allow VERY few people to be around me or help me when I'm anxious, I prefer to be left alone under most circumstances. Anyways, I want to thank you for being supportive of your husband and wanting to help him!

 

[zeckster81]

I like the idea of the cue. I might bring that up in counseling when we go because she could probably help us find one that wouldn't irritate either of us :) Thanks

 

[NovemberStar]

Yes. None of my panic attacks are 'visible' either.

I think I learned growing up that it simply wasn't safe enough to show panic or have an outward panic attack.

 

[laurelheorot]

I was wondering if anyone had any advice for how I can help him. He has been getting slightly better at verbalizing it, but struggles with talking about it.

One of my supporters (my aunty) and I developed a system early on in my PTSD where instead of me verbalising what's going on, I just give her my Subjective Units of Distress (SUDS) number.

We then have "action plans" for certain SUDS levels. For example, if my SUDS gets above 80, I go to her house. If my SUDS gets above 90, she will come to me or send someone to be with me. If my SUDS are between 50 and 80, she might remind me to do some grounding exercises or something positive for myself that I enjoy.

Nowadays, I don't need her as much, because having this system with her (with guidance from my T) allowed me to recognise how I could help myself. What I really like about this system is that it is just a number that says a lot to the supporter; I struggle to talk about anything that happens within myself, unless it is with my therapist. Giving someone a number is almost always effective in translating to them how I am feeling, without having to go into the gory details or spend energy that I don't have explaining what is happening moment-to-moment.

 

[Suzetig]

I tend to internalise my anxiety - people looking at me would never know I'm falling to bits inside, again it was never safe to express negative feelings growing up. In all honesty I don't know what might help - my husband knows me well enough now to pick up the very small clues that all isn't well and to respond to these but it's taken a long time and I still wouldn't usually tell him I feel anxious.

I know that's not much help practically but you/your husband aren't alone.

 

[shimmerz]

I just give her my Subjective Units of Distress (SUDS) number.

Brilliant! This is a great idea!

@zeckster81 a ton of my trauma was during my pre verbal years so it is taking me a long time to find the words. I can only go with the feeling and work on it. I can't even necessarily distinguish the difference in my pre-verbal feelings. It just churns around in such a way that I react to it in my own special way. Is there something you can see that he is presenting body wise (somatics) that can help you understand what is happening?

For instance, I notice with one friend that when he starts to trigger in a particular way he opens and clenches his fist. I know at that point in time he is on the cusp of completely losing it to a deep seething rage. I identify the feeling for him. I give him the words. Shortly afterwards he will start to tap his fingers so I know he is calming down but still agitated. Do you see anything in is body language that tells you what type of feeling it might be?

SUDS levels are great ways of identifying levels of agitation and @laurelheorot your aunty clearly knew what she was doing. Forgive me if I have it wrong but she sounds like she was a super support person for you.

 

[zeckster81]

So I guess this is way more popular than I thought. I always show outward signs when I am anxious. Thanks for sharing everyone. I'll take these ideas into account.