Internal Crisis

[intrasearching]

Hi,

I am having an earth-shattering, extremely distressing moment...

My partner told me that she is not happy, that she has deteriorated emotionally since being in our relationship...

This is because of how my PTSD manifests itself. I need constant reassurance and have angry outbursts. I go on and on and about my feelings and she says I am narcissistic.

I realize that I am truly very narcissistic and that frightens me deeply because I feel so deeply alone... But I think there are a couple reasons for it...

I was born into an abusive, chaotic home run by two absent drug addicts... Then I was adopted at age four by an extremely abusive woman who hurt me in all ways imaginable until I was an adult...

Now I find that I have a poor sense of self, I feel empty, and I am extremely scared and confused... These are all feelings that come up when dealing with issues in my relationship. When I was not in this relationship, I usually felt fine. I had ups and downs, to be sure, but I never had any real crises. Life was mild, because my life was small.

I never want to give up this relationship, and neither does my partner, according to what she has been saying. However, it is so hard because every time she speaks negatively I feel like the ground beneath me is falling apart and I just lose it... When she tells me that she is not happy I feel like a failure and I just don't know what to do.

But the worst thing I am dealing with is the extreme confusion about being selfish and the realization of how totally unloved and scared I feel deep beneath everything else. It is so hard... If I was healthy I would always be extremely pleasant and this relationship would likely have few problems... I am so scared to lose my partner... I just want her to see how much I struggle. She knows, to be sure, but she has her own issues (lost her parents and was abused as well) and at times like this, when she expresses all her displeasure... I just feel like... it's going to fall apart despite how much I love her and how hard I struggle.

And I hate hearing that I am selfish, because I know it's true, and I do not want to be that way... But it is very difficult to not be selfish when I am constantly in a state of turmoil and feel I must try to learn ways to help keep myself healthy.

 

[HighwayToHell]

Mate you need to call someone. Do you have access to a phone and the number of a trusted friend / therapist / other sufferer? If I were giving you triage I would be demanding you talk to someone, preferably qualified, but someone. Are you in treatment?

 

[intrasearching]

I am seeing my college counselor in the morning... Other than that I have no one to talk to right now.

I wish I were in better treatment. The gig with the college counselor is very temporary and it's essentially just talk therapy.

I need real help... I think about killing myself often because of how messed up this all is. If I had money and a car I would be seeing someone more permanently. Also, since I am in college I change locations in the summer, so finding a more or less "permanent" therapist isn't exactly in the cards right now.

I will likely be fine in the end but sometimes it is very hard.

 

[HighwayToHell]

Sweetheart slow down...just take a deep breath.....go on....breathe out.....breathe in..... breathe out. All right? You only need to do one thing right now an that is to keep in touch with people online and get through the next few hours. Can you do that? Nothing else, no other problem you have to solve right now - just take a few deep breaths and stay online until you feel safe, OK?.

 

[HighwayToHell]

OK ???

 

[Red Feather]

Sorry you are suffering so much. Try not to take what your partner said as blaming you or labelling you. Being selfish is often very very healthy, but maybe there is some sort of communication that is lacking or you have a hard time expressing yourself without behaving in ways that others have already behaved to you.

And since you have such a history of abuse, you should understand that this is maybe a part of you that is acting out, because it needs your attention and care. Your partner was very good about telling you how she feels, she has done her part which is amazing. And now, your part is take care of yourself and find out what is behind this and how you really feel about yourself. You are already doing great looking for support on this forum. I am glad you are seeing your counselor tomorrow. Maybe she can give you suggestions for finding more support. Take care.

 

[intrasearching]

@HighwaytoHell

Sorry, I fell asleep before seeing your comment. It would have been nice to talk a bit...

Interestingly enough, I think I am experiencing PTSD-related sleep disturbances. A few nights ago I awoke after about three hours of sleep having a panic attack, thinking that I was going crazy. This happened again tonight but less extreme. I awoke with a weird nervous energy and quickened pulse, and I felt afraid again that I was going crazy. In January my brother had a psychotic episode which was extremely traumatic for me for a few reasons, and now I think I might be having PTSD about that, too, because in this distressed moments I feel extremely worried that I myself am also "becoming" bipolar, as evidenced, to me, by my nervous, awake state.

And then in those moments I find a few other "compelling" reasons that I might be hypomanic which all serve to terrify me even further. The symptoms don't quite hold up to scrutiny, however, yet I still have these terrified moments.

PTSD is truly a heinous burden to carry.

I am certainly still not over the fact that my girlfriend has deteriorated emotionally since being with me. I certainly know that PTSD is "contagious" in a sense, and that many partners of PTSD patients need therapy themselves in order to prevent or mitigate secondary trauma.

So... I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because I also know that talk therapy isn't ultimately helpful in ameliorating PTSD yet that is all I currently have access to. My therapist did offer to practice EMDR with me but he forgot last week and now we only have 6 more visits.

I also have an extreme fear of suicide so seeing how bad this whole mess is getting really scares me because I know as well that PTSD carries a substantial suicide risk, and I can personally understand why, as I'm sure many of you here can as well.

 

[dms]

Intra, I'm praying for you!! Just keep writing out your feelings. It will help. We all understand your pain.

 

[intrasearching]

I hope somebody does. It's truly hellish. Thanks for the replies here, everyone.

 

[HighwayToHell]

@intrasearching - there have been many times that just knowing there were others like me out there saved me from myself.

Talk, write, talk and write some more. While ever you are doing that, you are close enough to others that we can help you. Just keep talking as much as you need, talk to your counsellor and tell them exactly what is going on and if you don't know \ can't articulate what is going on, them that too.

Re: Sleep disturbances - yep. Yep. Your are not going crazy. You got three hours? Well done.
Your mind is moving very fast right now and you may need to investigate with your counsellor some strategies to slow things down a little so you can concentrate a little better on where you need to go from here. Sorry to hear about your Brother.

I fell asleep too so I forgive you ! At work today (it is just past 9.00 am here on a Wednesday morning) but I will try to check in through the day.

There are a lot of us 'out there'. We are with you all the way.
Take care.

 

[intrasearching]

@HighwaytoHell

Thank you for your kindness and understanding. It really means a lot to me...

Writing has always been therapeutic for me, so indeed I will keep doing that.

What is really disturbing me now is how out of control I feel regarding my fear of abandonment. I am trying to take the "knowledge speaks, wisdom listens" approach so as to prevent further crises. My partner is still with me today and does not show any signs of "wanting out" but she is distressed and says she needs to analyze her feelings to figure out what is going on.

My therapist this morning told me that I should officially relinquish the decision to end the relationship and leave that to my partner, because a lot of my anxiety also comes from me thinking that I need to escape whenever conversations become threatening and trigger my fear of abandonment. That may help. Even though I feel so horrid today, I can admit that in the past two weeks I had minor success with refraining from angry outbursts.

The selfishness thing that my girlfriend said still is bothering me though. My thoughts, feelings and intentions feel so complex that to me I have every intention in the world to give my girlfriend everything that she could ever possibly need to feel loved and happy. However, due to this crazy tumult thrashing my mind and emotions constantly, I feel I have to be always watching myself and making sure my needs are met so that I don't "freak out." This culminates in me always turning my partner's distressed expressions into "maybe we should break up then" or "clearly I am just a bad person and I can never be right for you." It's pretty heinous, to be sure. I feel like a monster... This is not who I am, I swear... Although, since my traumas occurred essentially from birth, I cannot exactly remember relationships where I was truly involved that I did not exist in this spectrum.

I have a lot of work to do, as anyone would deem me to be a very low-functioning PTSD patient (apart from the fact that I am maintaining academic success). It feels scary and I actually mostly believe that I can never possibly get better and definitely can never be totally healed, considering the very early and protracted, heinous nature of my traumas.

What I am pondering now is where can I start?

And how can I be a better partner to my girlfriend so that she does not feel afraid that I will freak out at her, that I do not care about her, etc? How can I mitigate my trigger responses in such a way that anything can improve?

 

[HighwayToHell]

One step at a time. You can't do it all right now and some things you will end up having to live with but in the mean time, just back up a little.

I am probably going to get in trouble for saying this, but I can only say what helped me.

I think of my PTSD as a 3 year old brat (as all three year olds are) who is autistic.
Autistic children don't have the ability to recognise other people's rights or emotions or needs in the same way everyone else does. They get frustrated very quickly and lash out because their needs aren't being met and act out in the form of a Category 5 tantrum.

One way to deal with PTSD Jr. is to SEPARATE THE BEHAVIOUR FROM THE PERSON (you).
Deal with the behaviour separately. Recognise what is and is not an acceptable (non PTSD) response to you partner, is different to your actual response (or the one you really wanted to give).

Then do what is acceptable to the adult, not to the autistic 3 year old. Even if you don't believe it. Even if it feels 'fake'. Just until you are better equipped to respond to her appropriately - kind of like an emergency measure.

You said you feel like a monster? Well PTSD Jr. is the monster. You are the partner, the lover, the best friend. You are the person who loves and needs your partner. PTSD Jr. is the entity that is pushing her away.

Does that make sense?