Internal Crisis

[Deleted member 1860]

You may be selfish, yes, but narcissistic? I don't think so. Why? Narcissists tend to be so far down the line beyond selfish that their own egotistical arrogance gets in the way of them even being able to see that they even have any issues. And you want to change! (I've never met a narcissist who wants to change...why? A desire to change indicates that something is wrong which pretty much flies in the face of what narcissism is to begin with. But I digress...)

 

[HighwayToHell]

Here, here ScaredOfLonelly - my thoughts exactly.

 

[intrasearching]

@HighwayToHell

Yes that all makes great sense.

My therapist suggested that when I feel angry because something triggers me into thinking my partner is betraying/cheating on me I not say anything to her about it but instead thrash about on my own, yell if I have to, and just let all the aggression, fear, anguish, etc. be expressed to the void.

What he says and what you say are essentially trying to achieve the same thing, which I appreciate.

I had a successful conversation with my partner tonight. I had a healthier day (more food and exercise), and I was practicing some techniques I learned today to maintain my emotions, so she was able to express all her feelings about things to me in a constructive way and I was able to respond calmly, kindly, and constructively in a way that left her feeling much better.

She said that because of my constant fear of abandonment and my angry outbursts, she feels like all the positive moments we have are forgotten and so my expressions of "I love you" feel empty. She needs me to show her with consistent action that I love her, and I cannot do that while in the grip of my triggers. I am hoping to maintain an upward trend from here on out... I really love her deeply and I want only the best for her and I need to eventually have the inner peace to consistently prove that. She has her own trauma that makes her susceptible to negative feelings, especially when I present with my own irrational negativity.

And she also told me that she does not think I am narcissistic, but when I am in the grip, some of my need for reassurance and my anger vaguely resembles what she experienced when she was dating an abusive narcissist, and that of course adds to her feelings of being unloved.

So, I am working very hard to get on the right track... Regular diet and exercise seem like a good start, and I just bought a good workbook on PTSD.

Also, she linked me this article, which was very helpful for us both (Thanks, Anthony). Well, I can't post the link but it is on here, titled "Are People With PTSD Self Absorbed?" It was great because I had just explained to my partner this whole thing in just about the exact same way Anthony does.

Thanks to both of you (and all) for the amazing responses. I feel so much more balanced than last night. It really is like night and day at this point...

 

[HighwayToHell]

Well done you :)
If it works just keep right on doing it.

That's terrific progress. Just be careful not to get too carried away and feel like "now I can fix anything". The diet and exercise is a must-continue. Just take one step in front of the other, one thing at a time.

You are doing really well.

 

[intrasearching]

Thank you so much.

To be sure, I feel scared of the future (undoubtedly there will be an uphill battle, a "marathon"), but I indeed must take it one step, one thing at a time.

Can I ask... Have any of you found personally effective ways to notice and stop angry outbursts from happening?

What you said (HighwayToHell) about PTSD Jr. will be helpful but I am also wondering just about anything at all that any of you might have developed or appropriated in your experiences to maintain harmony in intimate relationships.

 

[HighwayToHell]

Define "effective". Is the absence of physical violence, being verbal only? Is it where there is emotional violence or abuse but no verbal or physical outburst? Is it when it only hurts you and no one else? Or is it no outburst happening at all?

 

[intrasearching]

There is never physical violence between my partner and I, just to be clear. All that I do is say things about how I think she's going to leave me or cheat on me, or how she should in fact go be with her ex or something. I also will try to put blame on her about our long distance in a passive-aggressive way, by posing questions about how we can "possibly get through" another year with only a few visits.

But yes by effective I mean for now only affecting myself and not her. I can sort out the messed up feelings later more easily than we can sort out both of us feeling shaken up by my doubt and blame tactics. The goal is of course no outbursts at all but right now I just want to not cause my girlfriend anymore grief like this, so that we can build up a strong trust and so that she can know deep down that I do love her.

No more passive-aggressive emotional outbursts!

 

[HighwayToHell]

Good.

Close your mouth and open your mind to recovery..

 

[intrasearching]

Well put. : )

 

[HighwayToHell]

Thank you :)

 

[intrasearching]

I just want to make a quick note...

I did EMDR today with my therapist and it was earth-shatteringly beautiful. I feel like... everything that is happening inside of me has been gasping for air, for attention, for... release!

I cried a lot during the session but apart from just at times feeling scared or angry I felt this truly beautiful sense of reclaiming of my right to be loved by the various parent figures who hurt me as a child. It wasn't an angry or sad feeling, but instead was a feeling of power and hope.

It was truly empowering... I found the right positive memory and word I guess to use alongside the EMDR, and I really do feel hopeful...

Undoubtedly I will have a long road and many hurdles but I feel reassured, and it's nice to feel this after having been consistently sunken in negativity for so many months.

 

[HighwayToHell]

To come out of the darkness / into light
To heal the wrong / to live the right
How the softest touch soothes a ragged soul
As we count the cost / and reclaim the whole

There is no reason / there is no rhyme
But it seems that now has come your time
To find some beauty / to heal some pain
May you find your peace / May it never wane.

When your eyes are bright / holding unshed tears
When you feel the sting as you face your fears
Dear Intrasearching / one thing stays true
We will still be here / we are just like you.