Intimacy And Ptsd

[MissMacD]

My sex life with my boyfriend has come to screeching halt and it has caused a lot of tension between us. About a year ago his brother moved in with us and a few weeks ago his dad came to stay for a month. I live in a three bedroom apartment and although I have my own room I have never been so revolted by being intimate with my boyfriend. His father is extremely invasive and is always creeping around to see what we are doing. He walks into his kids rooms without knocking. When he goes places he 'invites one of us to go with him'. I am turning 30 next month.

There is no space where I feel relaxed enough to be intimate with my boyfriend. I used to sleep in the same room but I moved to a separate room because he jerks off on the bed we used to sleep in and doesn't wash the sheets or open the windows. It smells horrible. He doesn't shower much either and I honestly find it all revolting and the longer it goes on the less and less I want to do anything intimate with him. I feel claustrophobic and unwelcome in that stinky oxygen deprived room.

The last year we have both been off work and he never leaves his room. He sits on his bed all day and plays video games. How can I stop him from being such a pig without coming off as a bitch?

What do I do? I feel so trapped. It's not just about his dad. It's been going on for a long time. Between my depression and PSTD sex is just not enjoyable for me anymore. I feel like I've made a new trauma from the things he does that trigger me. Sex has become a traumatizing experience for me.

 

[NYGirl]

Why do you stay in this relationship?

 

[MissMacD]

Because I have nowhere else to go.

 

[NYGirl]

There is always somewhere else to go. I am not trying to fix you or preach to you. I have been there. It is easy to be trapped. We allow ourselves to be trapped, people like us to be trapped. It may take time, but you need a plan. You are precious, you are important, and you matter. It is time to get off this train my friend.

 

[Barconian]

Your boyfriend is not respecting your needs. I wouldn't want to have sex in that situation either

 

[MissMacD]

A year ago when I had to stop working because of my trauma he refused to take financial responsibility for me when I fell a few hours short of qualifying for unemployment insurance. When he did have to help me a bit made a big deal out of it even though I paid back most of it. I had no choice but to apply for welfare, and he sometimes throws it in my face. I feel ashamed of myself far too often. He rarely leaves the house with me so when I go to yoga or jogging or walking our dogs its usually me alone. I worry that if I ever have children with him it will be the same situation.

A few days ago I had a misunderstanding with his dad who speaks fluent Mandarin and hardly any English and he made me out to be the bad guy. He is so much about appearances with his dad so why doesn't he want to impress me? I feel like an outsider a lot in this house and he is good at putting me on the outside of his family circle. I know if I leave he will tell his family that it was my fault. I've tried to leave a few times but with no success. I am trying to focus on therapy first. I think I need to come clean with my therapist this week about what is really going on because I can't do this anymore.

His passive aggressiveness is very hard on my health. He is good to me most of the time but when he is mean he is ruthless.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Sounds very stressful and they are crashing your personal boundaries big time.

 

[jd9900]

I think it is time you take a stand.

I think there are some things I can share with you that may be helpful, but before I presume anything, if I may ask, are you the PTSD sufferer? I presumed you were, but before I type what may be an elongated message I want to make sure I have a grasp on the situation. :)

 

[MissMacD]

I am a the PTSD sufferer. I've been awake all night pondering all of this. There are other options to me like potentially low income housing but I don't know if I am able to work any time soon and I have two dogs to take care of and if I go they are going with me. I know they will be neglected if I leave them behind. I can handle staying with him and his brother but I cannot and will not live with his parents in a 3 bedroom apartment.

I did have a talk with my boyfriend last night and he told me that his dad has issues with expecting things from people without asking them. He moved a desk today and I didn't even know and then he got pissed off because I didn't offer to help.

My boyfriend still denies that there are issues in our relationship and I've learned that he has been taught to hide his emotions about things which is very damaging. He talks to me like I am stupid. When I brought up our intimate life today he tried to brush it off. He wanted to have his say but didn't treat what I was saying as important and discredited most of my concerns.

If this continues I am going to move into my own 1 bedroom apartment with my dogs. Things were way better before we lived together with his family. He is used to it and to me it is completely suffocating. I am going to contact my social worker this week to see about low income housing and to see if I could find a place that allows dogs.

 

[MissMacD]

So today I decided that I am going to start standing up for myself more and not let people exploit me.

My boyfriends father has been here for about two weeks and it is all I can do to not blow up at him. Between putting knives with raw meat on them back in the silver ware drawer, taking over my kitchen and being so controlling that I can't be comfortable in my own home my foot needs to go down now or never. I refuse to suffer in silence. I've suffered far to much and far too long to let this eat away at me.

My boyfriend has never made much space for me when it comes to his parents living here. He is Chinese so it is a huge insult to refuse to live with them. If he really loves me he will either let me go or he will fight for me. I am done letting people trap me. I've been miserable for a long time and I can't put off our problems any longer. You can brush s*&( under the rug but it still stinks, and boy is there a lot he has to deal with if he wants to keep me around.

I am not a maid or someones servant. I give far more energy than I get back. Time to start looking at hypothetical train schedules so I can figure out what to do.

 

[macca]

Yes, you deserve so much better than how you are being treated. It does seem that your boyfriend is so used to this stuff that he cannot see it. I hope all goes well for you, you're doing the best thing you can.

 

[MissMacD]

When I have a problem with something he sees it as my problem instead of our problem. He is not one to bring things up, he keeps mostly to himself so I am usually the only one to address him about things. We have two dogs and he does hardly anything for them. I can only imagine if we had kids I'd be run off my feet while his are up playing video games.

We don't grocery shop together or leave the house to do activities like most couples do and that really bothers me. He doesn't exercise with and doesn't help in keeping me healthy and happy.

I told him that I am on the brink of leaving and he take me seriously. When I mentioned living separately from his parents he said that we would have a big house with enough space for everyone or we would get apartments in the same building or in the same neighborhood. I didn't catch on that we are currently living in a space too small for the all of us and he will just put off my concerns like he usually does. I need my kitchen to be for me and right now I have to bleach everything before I feel safe preparing any food because they have no standards for food sanitation. Cooked rice stays in the cooker for days at a time at room temperature. Meat is stored in all levels dripping raw all over my fridge and counters.

Up until last year he did nothing around the house. He started taking out the garbage and takes the dogs for a poop twice a week but he still complains about the jobs and I have to remind him to do them constantly or they don't get done. He doesn't see housework as a priority and says that it just doesn't need to be done. Yet he is the one with clean clothes which magically appear from a fairy and surfaces that are kept reasonably clean on a regular basis. I do 90% of the care for the dogs. He claims that he gives them affection but it doesn't really count for much when the other party is doing all of the tough jobs for you.