Supporter Introducing Myself

[Care]

I have been married for 21 years to a brilliant, kind, loving man who started pulling away emotionally five years ago. Finding "my PTSD" has helped me more than any other resource. The comfort in reading others reports that could be my own. 11 months ago my husband left and I was lost. Unable to explain or understand what was happening. Reading on this forum, learning terminology, but mostly learning there were others abandoned inexplicably by their sufferers helped me to realise that it wasn't a defect with me.

My husband and I met as teenagers, grew up together and for 16+ years had an amazing marriage. Now it has all changed. The rules are completely different. Nothing I say or do connects or helps my husband. He says he does not want a life without me in it, but he won't go to counselling together or allow me to meet his therapist. Even when he was suicidal he refuses help beyond therapy 2x month. He is living in a friend's guest room. This friend is a woman who is his emotionally neutral person. She is the only person he connects with at all as he's isolated from all friends & family.

I feel very alone, as though I'm the only person who remembers the person he was and I'm desperately hanging onto that, hoping he can find balance again. It is so very hard and tearing me apart. Because of what I've learned here I feel that I've established boundaries, but I don't know where to go from here. Am I helping him by allowing him to live elsewhere and being available whenever he texts? I also let him help us, do physical things to help our family although I worry that this allows him to justify that he hasn't abandoned us. He says he won't agree to counselling with me unless I concede that the outcome may be that he's best off if he doesn't come back to me - that we live apart.

Should I lie and agree when the truth is I'm not sure I can accept this part time, casual contact. It feels to me that while he's going to therapy and making some progress, he is still frightened and avoiding owning his illness and facing the hard work of treatment. Am grateful for any advice on getting through this and salvaging our marriage. How do we managed PTSD and a relationship?

 

[shimmerz]

I am sorry @Care but what makes you think he has PTSD?

 

[nursenurse]

Emotionally neutral other woman? Uh, no way. Agreeing to be apart may indeed be the outcome, but it sounds like he has already made his decisions. And I honestly do not believe those two are just playing cards. More importantly, though, is how you feel about that arrangement. It makes it pretty easy for him to have his cake and eat it too. Why not just find a place on his own?

Now you need to start thinking with your head and not your heart. Find yourself a lawyer and figure out what your rights are. Get some counselling for yourself. You not meeting his therapist is his right, but for him to put a condition on it before you even go is ludicrous. I know you want to support him, and is understandable of course. He needs space, but not in the house with another woman.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Care,

All I can say is that I agree with @nursenurse, and the fact that he moved in with another woman is a deal breaker. Do what you need to do to protect yourself legally, financially and emotionally. Do for yourself and let him figure out his own issues.

 

[Care]

Thank you for your advice and support. My husband was diagnosed with PTSD by 3 separate psych professionals. His current therapist has diagnosed him with PTSD, depression & deferred grieving. I'm still treading water. Doing my best day by day. Not knowing what to do. I can hear the logic in your advice @nursenurse and @into the light, but can't seem to get myself to take those first steps. He's isolated himself and when I remember the man he was I can't bring myself to walk away. Even though I see he's given up on himself. I will keep reading my PTSD forum and see how I do. Thank you.