A few weeks ago I was wishing S knew me in my 20's and early 30's (he's 33 and I'm 51). I had pretty bad PTSD at the time. After being in therapy for 10 years, I found EMDR (it was pretty new at the time--1996/97). EMDR completely changed my life in six months. Thankfully, I've had no flashbacks or other major symptoms of PTSD from my CSA since then. I have had two other short-term PTSD-like experiences since, one related to a disabling, high speed, head-on collision in 2002 (from which I'm still recovering), then a medical issue in 2009 that triggered stuff from my car accident again for about a month.
Anyway, as I was thinking about all that, I googled PTSD and EMDR and eventually found myself here. I am SO grateful for having found this site and the wonderful community of members. As I started reading about relationship issues, I found I wasn't reading about my past. I was reading about my present with S. I know S has PTSD from prolonged early childhood trauma, but my experience of PTSD was so very different from his that I didn't really connect the dots. I guess you could say I found this site thinking about me, but I'm sticking around because of how much I hope to gain as I listen and learn from you about making things work for me and S. Having a framework from which to understand our struggles and how we might move forward helps me immensely. Just reading the Supporter forum has already helped me better understand and support S and take care of myself. Thank You!
A little about my history with S: Seven years ago, he sent me a lovely little note on social media. We began conversing and really hit it off. We eventually met in person and our connection was instant and intense. And that's when the problems began... After spending time together in person, especially after becoming sexual, he started pulling away. Our physical relationship was quickly put on hold. I didn't understand what was going on, why he felt so uncomfortable around me or why he needed so much time away from me. Despite these difficulties, we quickly became deeply emotionally intimate. He said no one had loved or cared for him and his life the way I did; that I knew him better in a few months than women with whom he'd been in committed relationships for years. I fell in love with him almost at first sight, which is highly unusual for me (I typically don't do relationships). He touches my core like no one ever has. For a year, we tried to make it work to no avail. After begging me not to abandon him just a month earlier, following an argument where I caught him in a lie, he went away and didn't come back. It took me months to realize he wasn't coming back and to let him go.
Between him leaving in Feb 2010 and us reconnecting in June 2016, we didn't have any contact other than about money I'd loaned him. Without going into detail, let's just say financial issues plagued us when we were together in 2009, after he left in 2010 when I tried for a couple of years to get him to repay the money I loaned him, and currently. During our hiatus, we each thought the other had no interest in working things out. It turns out that couldn't have been further from the truth. S taught me I have a greater depth and capacity to love than I imagined possible and that I have the ability to love unconditionally. Seven years later, I was as much in love with him as I was the first time I said I love you. He still loved me too, had regrets about how things ended and wished we could try again. Of course, I only found this out after I reached out to him, seemingly to tell him about someone I was referring to him. I certainly didn't have to send him an email about that or about how I still loved him, but I did.
It took us, especially me, a few weeks to decide we wanted to see if we might do better the second time around exploring what I called (after knowing him three months) "an incomprehensible potential that is too much to realize at this point yet too powerful to deny." He sounded so different this time; he had done a lot of work and was clearly committed to seeing what we might be to each other. I too was better. The first time we got together in person was phenomenal. It was SO good. I saw him four times the first week. Unfortunately, after each time, he became more and more uncomfortable being around me, just as he'd felt in 2009. After seeing him four times the first week (the last week of June 2016), I saw him once a week for the next three weeks. I then saw him three weeks later on Aug. 8, which is the last time I've seen him in person.
Clearly it continues to be a very difficult road for us this time, but there's no denying how much we love each other and want to be together. We've also clearly both grown and are at a different place now, which gives us both hope for working things out. Unfortunately, for as much as he trusted me in 2009, he's reluctant to trust me now. We're hopeful that will change with time, as I earn his trust. In order to let him back into my life, I too had to decide to trust him again. I didn't feel as though making him jump through hoops to earn my trust made sense for me, so I jumped back in "feet first." I'm happy with my decision.
As if he and we didn't have enough to deal with, he was diagnosed with Stage 1 cancer just a month before I emailed him. He began chemo just after the first time we got together in person. Cancer/chemo can cause personality changes and make things like anxiety much worse for "normal" folks, so I can't even imagine how much more difficult it might be for S, as he deals with cancer on top of PTSD. He's said he was torn about me contacting him: glad I'd done so, but sad he wasn't in a better place physically and emotionally. I knew about his cancer when I decided to try again, but I didn't know about his mistrust or how it would manifest in part by not letting me take care of him or know much of anything about his cancer and treatment. Being kept at arm's length is what's been most difficult for me. At least he reassures me, given time, he has the ability to let me in. It's probably important to mention that from Sept to Dec 2016, he's living in Ohio with a friend (we're in Boston). Cancer/chemo caused him to have to quit his job which meant he couldn't pay rent. We discussed the possibility of living together, but he decided against it. Given what I've learned here, I'm so glad he did. I now agree with him that it would've been a disaster, especially since we were talking about him moving into my 1BR apartment.
I apologize for this being so long, but I think it's important to have a base from which to understand from where I'm coming. I'm happy to be here. I look forward to getting to know other members, reaching out and giving back.
Anyway, as I was thinking about all that, I googled PTSD and EMDR and eventually found myself here. I am SO grateful for having found this site and the wonderful community of members. As I started reading about relationship issues, I found I wasn't reading about my past. I was reading about my present with S. I know S has PTSD from prolonged early childhood trauma, but my experience of PTSD was so very different from his that I didn't really connect the dots. I guess you could say I found this site thinking about me, but I'm sticking around because of how much I hope to gain as I listen and learn from you about making things work for me and S. Having a framework from which to understand our struggles and how we might move forward helps me immensely. Just reading the Supporter forum has already helped me better understand and support S and take care of myself. Thank You!
A little about my history with S: Seven years ago, he sent me a lovely little note on social media. We began conversing and really hit it off. We eventually met in person and our connection was instant and intense. And that's when the problems began... After spending time together in person, especially after becoming sexual, he started pulling away. Our physical relationship was quickly put on hold. I didn't understand what was going on, why he felt so uncomfortable around me or why he needed so much time away from me. Despite these difficulties, we quickly became deeply emotionally intimate. He said no one had loved or cared for him and his life the way I did; that I knew him better in a few months than women with whom he'd been in committed relationships for years. I fell in love with him almost at first sight, which is highly unusual for me (I typically don't do relationships). He touches my core like no one ever has. For a year, we tried to make it work to no avail. After begging me not to abandon him just a month earlier, following an argument where I caught him in a lie, he went away and didn't come back. It took me months to realize he wasn't coming back and to let him go.
Between him leaving in Feb 2010 and us reconnecting in June 2016, we didn't have any contact other than about money I'd loaned him. Without going into detail, let's just say financial issues plagued us when we were together in 2009, after he left in 2010 when I tried for a couple of years to get him to repay the money I loaned him, and currently. During our hiatus, we each thought the other had no interest in working things out. It turns out that couldn't have been further from the truth. S taught me I have a greater depth and capacity to love than I imagined possible and that I have the ability to love unconditionally. Seven years later, I was as much in love with him as I was the first time I said I love you. He still loved me too, had regrets about how things ended and wished we could try again. Of course, I only found this out after I reached out to him, seemingly to tell him about someone I was referring to him. I certainly didn't have to send him an email about that or about how I still loved him, but I did.
It took us, especially me, a few weeks to decide we wanted to see if we might do better the second time around exploring what I called (after knowing him three months) "an incomprehensible potential that is too much to realize at this point yet too powerful to deny." He sounded so different this time; he had done a lot of work and was clearly committed to seeing what we might be to each other. I too was better. The first time we got together in person was phenomenal. It was SO good. I saw him four times the first week. Unfortunately, after each time, he became more and more uncomfortable being around me, just as he'd felt in 2009. After seeing him four times the first week (the last week of June 2016), I saw him once a week for the next three weeks. I then saw him three weeks later on Aug. 8, which is the last time I've seen him in person.
Clearly it continues to be a very difficult road for us this time, but there's no denying how much we love each other and want to be together. We've also clearly both grown and are at a different place now, which gives us both hope for working things out. Unfortunately, for as much as he trusted me in 2009, he's reluctant to trust me now. We're hopeful that will change with time, as I earn his trust. In order to let him back into my life, I too had to decide to trust him again. I didn't feel as though making him jump through hoops to earn my trust made sense for me, so I jumped back in "feet first." I'm happy with my decision.
As if he and we didn't have enough to deal with, he was diagnosed with Stage 1 cancer just a month before I emailed him. He began chemo just after the first time we got together in person. Cancer/chemo can cause personality changes and make things like anxiety much worse for "normal" folks, so I can't even imagine how much more difficult it might be for S, as he deals with cancer on top of PTSD. He's said he was torn about me contacting him: glad I'd done so, but sad he wasn't in a better place physically and emotionally. I knew about his cancer when I decided to try again, but I didn't know about his mistrust or how it would manifest in part by not letting me take care of him or know much of anything about his cancer and treatment. Being kept at arm's length is what's been most difficult for me. At least he reassures me, given time, he has the ability to let me in. It's probably important to mention that from Sept to Dec 2016, he's living in Ohio with a friend (we're in Boston). Cancer/chemo caused him to have to quit his job which meant he couldn't pay rent. We discussed the possibility of living together, but he decided against it. Given what I've learned here, I'm so glad he did. I now agree with him that it would've been a disaster, especially since we were talking about him moving into my 1BR apartment.
I apologize for this being so long, but I think it's important to have a base from which to understand from where I'm coming. I'm happy to be here. I look forward to getting to know other members, reaching out and giving back.
Last edited:
