Sufferer Introduction Thread

[SunflowerHoney]

Hey everyone,

This is my intro. I am recently diagnosed after suffering from this debilitating illness my entire life. I was emotionally neglected and abused since my first day on this earth. All of my PTS behaviors were chalked up to character and personality defects which led to further abuse and mistreatment.

I have been confused around people my whole life. As if there is a rule book that was passed out to everyone, only I never got it but everyone else treated me as if I had and was breaking all the rules on purpose.

I was managing life okay once I was in college but after graduation I took a job as a counselor in a wilderness program for delinquent boys. I was further abused there by the staff. My attempts to address it, and even quit my job, were met with gaslighting and manipulation.

There's much more to my story than that, however I'm having a rough morning and have already been triggered today by a situation with an abusive relative. I can't handle reliving my past again right now.

I'm relieved to have found this site and forum. There's no one else in my life that truly understands what I'm going through. My whole life has pretty much been one invalidating environment after another it really starts to make you feel like a crazy person.

I was diagnosed this past spring after yet another traumatic event. This one seemed to dredge up every other past trauma and I was deluged with EXTREME anxiety, panic attacks and flashbacks like I'd never experienced before. I pretty much lived on my couch for two months. It's miracle that I was even able to make it to the appt for the diagnosis. Leaving my house brought on the worst attacks. I had to take a few xanax even to just go to the grocery store.

I'm hoping the validation I've seen here will extend to me and I can start to feel a little more "normal". I plan to ask a few questions to see if my experiences are relatable. And maybe I can get some advice.

Thank you to everyone for all the wonderful support you offer to each other.

 

[Joan]

welcome to the forum. Congratulations on taking the brave step of coming on here. I hope that you find the support and validation you need.

 

[SunflowerHoney]

welcome to the forum. Congratulations on taking the brave step of coming on here. I hope that you find th...

Thank you, Joan. I appreciate your welcoming reply. :)

 

[sun seeker]

Welcome, glad you found us. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time and hope we can be some added support for you. I too have complex trauma of too many varieties to name, and was nodding in recognition at many things in your post. You'll find a lot of common ground here. I think there are a lot of us who have never read the rule book for life but have been blamed for not knowing the rules, as if we had. I think understanding why we are the way we are and stopping the self blame is key here. Anyway, I'm glad you're here and hope you can find some relief soon.

 

[SunflowerHoney]

Thank you sun seeker. It almost makes me feel like crying to read that you understand what I've been through. Tears for being "seen" and tears for the horrors we have had to face to get here.

I do have lots of self blame, guilt and shame to get past. Some of my closest family members treat me as if the ways I behave and react are choices that I make and that I refuse to change. When I try hard to show them that I'm working on myself, they don't see it. When I use the communication skills I learned in therapy (which they told me I needed) to convey that I don't like how they treat me and that I feel unloved and disrespected they get pissed and yell at me for being too sensitive and overreacting. It's been so defeating. Only since my diagnosis in June have I been able to tell myself that I have always been doing the best I can and they are the ones being disrespectful. It's been hard extricating myself from these close family members because such a big part of me still sort of believes that I'm the a-hole, not them. I still feel like I didn't try hard enough and that they're probably right that I'm not trying hard enough to control my reactions.

But then I remember that the strong reactions I have trouble controlling are when they're treating me like crap. I can never stand up for myself to them--I just end up snapping at whoever is being the jerk and then apologizing for having that reaction instead of calmly talking about my feelings. This gives them more 'evidence' that I'm too sensitive and overreacting. Oh man!!! I'm getting worked up just thinking about this.

Sorry this is so long. I think I'm in a post-diagnosis mourning period. Thank you for your support.

 

[sun seeker]

You're allowed to mourn. And you are allowed to stay away from people who are treating you like crap. I know that's easier said than done, and I don't know the particulars of your family situation. A lot of us do find as we work on healing that we need to make some changes in who we allow to be close to us, and that's a process in itself. I went through years of trying to get my family to hear me and treat me with respect, before finally giving up. Now we have next to no contact, and I am better off that way. Not saying that's what you should do, no one but you can decide that.

 

[SunflowerHoney]

You're allowed to mourn. And you are allowed to stay away from people who are treating you like crap...

I've been trying for years also. Exhausting, right? Who knew it would be so hard to convince people that supposedly love you to take you seriously?

Luckily I have had two people come around who had pretty much written me off (my mom and my husband). I learned from them that it was never going to be me that could have convinced them. It was when they started taking a look at themselves, their maladaptive behaviors and reasons for them that they were finally able to develop empathy for me and see where I was coming from. I took a firm stand with them, said No More, treat me better or leave, before they were able to take me seriously. That was a healing and affirming experience. They have both since proven that they know they wronged me and are actually working to regain my trust! It's such a backwards feeling for me to have people work and try hard for my respect, trust, etc. So I do have that to look back on when I'm feeling hopeless about others. There's nothing I can do or say to change people. They have to be willing to self-reflect and take ownership of their behavior.

The one thing that still puzzles me is why some people can get so angry at me for respectfully standing up for myself. I said treat me better or leave to those people too and they're not leaving or treating me better. I don't get it.

 

[intothelight]

@AlexisMM Welcome to the forum!

When a person finally sets boundaries and stands up for themselves in regard to how they are to be treated, individuals who see a potential for wrong can have one of two responses. They either understand and accept the other persons point of view and change or they find fault with that person and become angry.

Just keep in mind that you have no control over how other people think or react and it is not your responsibility to convince or appease them. Focus on taking care of yourself and working on your healing.

 

[SunflowerHoney]

@AlexisMM Welcome to the forum!

When a person finally sets boundaries and stands...

Thank you. I really appreciate this. I know your advice is true intellectually. Implementation is difficult with this particular person because she's a cousin my age and we've been friends, best friends (or so I thought) since I was eleven and she was nine. I'm 34 now. Looking back on our friendship now I can see all of the small, but incredibly undermining actions and comments she insidiously made over all the years. Seeing that splits me in two--The strong woman that's setting the boundaries and the scared little girl that doesn't know any different.

I'm glad that I'm finally in the boundary setting place. So glad. But it's hard as heck. Thank you so much for your support. :)