Introduction

[Rene']

HI.
I am 47 years and suffer from PTSD due to abuse related trauma suffered as a young teenager.

I am joining this forum to be around others who also suffer with this. There is no one else currently in my life who suffers from PTSD nor is there anyone in my life who understands my suffering with this disorder. I have the nightmares , anxiety, and other issues but, my biggest issue is being alone at night -between the hours of midnight and daylight, every moment is spent just hoping I will make it through.

If I can do nothing else, I am hoping that having somewhere to post about this issue will help me during these hours when I am frightened and alone.

 

[Rene']

:unsure: I don't want to be afraid - I want to be 'normal' - and yet I am afraid to let go of the fear that I feel.

My front door, backdoor, and windows are secured. The big dog is either inside or on the porch to notify me of any impeding danger. The neighborhood is fairly safe and yet I am still afraid. I have an electronic screamer nearby, I have the phone either in my hand or right in front of me, and yet the one thing that alludes me is sleep because I feel that if I close my eyes, something will happen. I feel that I will be attacked again. I feel that if I am not aware and alert that I am more vulnerable to be attacked again. I don't feel that I can -or should- let my guard down. I only feel this way at night when I am alone. My nightmares don't even frighten me as much as being alone at night does. There is nothing that makes me feel safe -even though there is nothing (in reality) that is actually going to happen because I am alone.

I haven't been attacked or held hostage for many years. Nothing bad has happened since I was young and yet, it feels like I was attacked not that long ago because the fear from the attack has never gone away. No one understands why I feel this way. They just think I am crazy. They think that I just need to grow up, stop being afraid, and be normal. How???

 

[Rene']

It will soon be daylight here and I will be able to get some sleep. I wanted to say that finding this site has made it easier to get through this night. I want to wish everyone a better day today than they had yesterday.
Regards and best wishes,
Rene'

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Welcome to the forum and congratulations on making it through another night. I hope you are in a peaceful sound sleep at I write this. There is so much support and understanding here. I'm glad you found us! Peace to you!

 

[Froggie]

Hi Rene and welcome to the forum. Yes you will find others here as you are definately not the only one with insomnia. Just venting out like you did will do a lot of good. Take your time, you can read or answer others posts or go to the chat room. Best of luck to you, you are not alone.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Rene,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. Yes, this is a good place to go when insomnia rears its ugly head and you realize you are not alone. I hope you find some of the information here helpful as you deal with the symptoms of PTSD.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[Rene']

Thank you all for the welcoming posts. I have mostly been reading the posts by other people. I know now that I am definitely not alone and I can relate to many others here on this site. I thought that it would be easier for me to write on here but, it seems like it is easier to feel the trauma than talk about it -even after all of these years. I suppose this is in part because I have never had anyone to talk about it with. My sister passed away, next was my brother, and then my mom. My dad -when my brother passed- looked at me and asked why him and not me. Everyone thought that I would be the one to die first because my life has been so much more traumatic.
I miss my family but, I am still surviving and still trying to get through to a healing process. Having this site available is now part of that process. Thanks to all of you for sharing. It helps me as well.