Hi and welcome to the forum :)
It was clear to me as well reading your intro, you didn't intend to kill your Father at all. You learned the aggression and violence from him and therefore, his own violence and child abuse ultimately was turned against him and what happened to him could just as easily have been you.
Violence and severe physical abuse can lead to death. He was the adult and beat you when you were a teenager, you learned to defend yourself and use what you were taught and learned to communicate anger with him through violence - that he taught you. Of course you didn't want him to die, but you didn't want, or deserve an abusively violent Father either. You using drugs is not an excuse for his violent behaviour to you, at all.
Living with this heavy load must be incredibly hard. I am so sorry all this happened and you have to live with this.
I hope you find this forum a supportive place, there are lots of really lovely non judgemental people here.
I'm glad you found this forum.
Shellbell
It was clear to me as well reading your intro, you didn't intend to kill your Father at all. You learned the aggression and violence from him and therefore, his own violence and child abuse ultimately was turned against him and what happened to him could just as easily have been you.
Violence and severe physical abuse can lead to death. He was the adult and beat you when you were a teenager, you learned to defend yourself and use what you were taught and learned to communicate anger with him through violence - that he taught you. Of course you didn't want him to die, but you didn't want, or deserve an abusively violent Father either. You using drugs is not an excuse for his violent behaviour to you, at all.
Living with this heavy load must be incredibly hard. I am so sorry all this happened and you have to live with this.
I hope you find this forum a supportive place, there are lots of really lovely non judgemental people here.
I'm glad you found this forum.
Shellbell
