Hi,
I've been looking for something like this for a while, wish I knew about it a long time ago. I've had a rough day...I've been diagnosed within the last year. It feels so lonely sometimes. I'm a lawyer, in California but I'm licensed in another state. I have a good job as it seems from the outside but I've had problems there, and I deal with hearing about a lot of trauma at work. Honestly I wonder how I lasted this long doing it. I want to leave but I feel stuck. When I apply for jobs and don't get a call back its devastating and I feel completely worthless. And I'm really worried how my ptsd will affect my passing what's called a character and fitness review before I'm even allowed to take the bar exam in California. They look at all your financial records and I've had financial problems, mostly because student loan went into default due to major avoidance issues and other bills as well, but I'm taking care of them. And if I can't be licensed here I'm screwed to find other work. I don't even want to be a lawyer, really, but I don't know what else I can do to earn money to pay my bills.
My trauma: I grew up in a violent home. My brother sexually molested me when I was about 6. He molested another kid in the neighborhood and almost was convicted-not sure how he got off. This brother then became really controlling as I grew older, not allowing me to listen to music, couldn't be friends with guys, controlled what me and sisters wore, because he decided how Muslim we had to be.
My dad beat my mom and humiliated her all the time, financially controlled her.
My oldest brother has bipolar affective disorder. He beat me up badly once when I was about 7, but apart from that it was mostly dealing with his violent episodes towards others, especially my mom and his wife when my parents married him off to "fix" him. He beat her badly and often, my sisters and I would try to protect her. He beat her even when she was pregnant. He went to prison for sexual assault and drug crimes and he was a lot worse when he came out. He used to be the nice brother before his illness made him so violent.
My other brother (I have a huge family) beat me and my younger sister up a lot, all the time. He beat up any guy seen speaking to me or around me. He stole money from me when I worked. I fought back as much as I could until the time he fractured my eye socket nose and cheekbone. I hate my face and every time I see how distorted it is it makes me angry and feel ugly. He still beat me up after that but never as badly. He's in prison now for rape and a number of violent crimes.
My parents are horrible. They still don't do the right thing. They never help. They neglected us, left us alone for months at a time so my siblings and I had to take care of each other. I'm fortunate that we had a house to live in and food to eat, my dad would leave enough money though sometimes the heat would get cut off. My dad won't speak to me because I asked him to acknowledge the abuse. I'm south Asian and there is no regard for the girls in the family.
Every rejection I experience takes me back to the feelings I had growing up. I feel sometimes like it's pointless for me to try, because no matter how hard I try I'll always have this handicap. I'm afraid to have kids. I feel like I try so hard but others only see my shortcomings, that I didn't go to a top school etc etc, but I wish they knew how hard I tried. Does anyone out there feel this way?
I know it's really long, wasn't sure if this is the right way to post an introduction I'm grateful for any response, I'm so thankful to you all just for being here and sharing.
I've been looking for something like this for a while, wish I knew about it a long time ago. I've had a rough day...I've been diagnosed within the last year. It feels so lonely sometimes. I'm a lawyer, in California but I'm licensed in another state. I have a good job as it seems from the outside but I've had problems there, and I deal with hearing about a lot of trauma at work. Honestly I wonder how I lasted this long doing it. I want to leave but I feel stuck. When I apply for jobs and don't get a call back its devastating and I feel completely worthless. And I'm really worried how my ptsd will affect my passing what's called a character and fitness review before I'm even allowed to take the bar exam in California. They look at all your financial records and I've had financial problems, mostly because student loan went into default due to major avoidance issues and other bills as well, but I'm taking care of them. And if I can't be licensed here I'm screwed to find other work. I don't even want to be a lawyer, really, but I don't know what else I can do to earn money to pay my bills.
My trauma: I grew up in a violent home. My brother sexually molested me when I was about 6. He molested another kid in the neighborhood and almost was convicted-not sure how he got off. This brother then became really controlling as I grew older, not allowing me to listen to music, couldn't be friends with guys, controlled what me and sisters wore, because he decided how Muslim we had to be.
My dad beat my mom and humiliated her all the time, financially controlled her.
My oldest brother has bipolar affective disorder. He beat me up badly once when I was about 7, but apart from that it was mostly dealing with his violent episodes towards others, especially my mom and his wife when my parents married him off to "fix" him. He beat her badly and often, my sisters and I would try to protect her. He beat her even when she was pregnant. He went to prison for sexual assault and drug crimes and he was a lot worse when he came out. He used to be the nice brother before his illness made him so violent.
My other brother (I have a huge family) beat me and my younger sister up a lot, all the time. He beat up any guy seen speaking to me or around me. He stole money from me when I worked. I fought back as much as I could until the time he fractured my eye socket nose and cheekbone. I hate my face and every time I see how distorted it is it makes me angry and feel ugly. He still beat me up after that but never as badly. He's in prison now for rape and a number of violent crimes.
My parents are horrible. They still don't do the right thing. They never help. They neglected us, left us alone for months at a time so my siblings and I had to take care of each other. I'm fortunate that we had a house to live in and food to eat, my dad would leave enough money though sometimes the heat would get cut off. My dad won't speak to me because I asked him to acknowledge the abuse. I'm south Asian and there is no regard for the girls in the family.
Every rejection I experience takes me back to the feelings I had growing up. I feel sometimes like it's pointless for me to try, because no matter how hard I try I'll always have this handicap. I'm afraid to have kids. I feel like I try so hard but others only see my shortcomings, that I didn't go to a top school etc etc, but I wish they knew how hard I tried. Does anyone out there feel this way?
I know it's really long, wasn't sure if this is the right way to post an introduction I'm grateful for any response, I'm so thankful to you all just for being here and sharing.
