Lifetraveller
Bronze Member
Hello All,
I came across this site when I googled something like "why do I want to die".
As you can see, I'm a fifty one year old male. I've seen a lot of mental health professionals over the years, I had something that was labelled a major depression in 2001, and I've been on an anti-depressant since then. Now, almost fifteen years later, I am quite functional, I suppose, and I've accomplished a number of things, but I still don't understand myself and just recently I thought I wanted to die by going the route of Dignitas in Switzerland. A few days ago when I read what that would entail, I became so full of dread at the thought of ending my life that I've now naturally moved back to not wanting to die. At the same time, I don't know that I want to live. I really am feeling life one moment at a time. I've never attempted to kill myself. I'm too squeamish and I think of what it would do to others. Much is currently being made of the physical and verbal abuse that I received from my mother and, to a lesser extent, my sister and how my father and brother remained mostly silent about it or even condoned it. I have not been sexually abused. I don't feel like I really fit into any of these victim categories, to be honest. I mean yes, I was a victim of my mother and to a lesser extent my sister, however I keep looking at these events as having happened so long ago and thinking about how it could be possible that they are still causing me occasionally to want to die. I do know rationally that this is possible, but something in me just wants to move on.
The comments on this site's chat and forums come closest to my experience of everyday life right now. However, I chose "Other" because I feel like I'm somewhere between having PTSD and being a supporter.
I started therapy with a psychologist about a month ago, once a week. I don't know that we're going to move much beyond calling me sick while at the same time recognizing that my resilience has brought me to this point.
I'm looking into group therapy because apparently it's helpful to hear from others that have similar experiences.
I thank you for all you share here. Somehow I think I will be more about reading you rather than participating myself. For me, in-person, voice-to-voice has always been best.
John
I came across this site when I googled something like "why do I want to die".
As you can see, I'm a fifty one year old male. I've seen a lot of mental health professionals over the years, I had something that was labelled a major depression in 2001, and I've been on an anti-depressant since then. Now, almost fifteen years later, I am quite functional, I suppose, and I've accomplished a number of things, but I still don't understand myself and just recently I thought I wanted to die by going the route of Dignitas in Switzerland. A few days ago when I read what that would entail, I became so full of dread at the thought of ending my life that I've now naturally moved back to not wanting to die. At the same time, I don't know that I want to live. I really am feeling life one moment at a time. I've never attempted to kill myself. I'm too squeamish and I think of what it would do to others. Much is currently being made of the physical and verbal abuse that I received from my mother and, to a lesser extent, my sister and how my father and brother remained mostly silent about it or even condoned it. I have not been sexually abused. I don't feel like I really fit into any of these victim categories, to be honest. I mean yes, I was a victim of my mother and to a lesser extent my sister, however I keep looking at these events as having happened so long ago and thinking about how it could be possible that they are still causing me occasionally to want to die. I do know rationally that this is possible, but something in me just wants to move on.
The comments on this site's chat and forums come closest to my experience of everyday life right now. However, I chose "Other" because I feel like I'm somewhere between having PTSD and being a supporter.
I started therapy with a psychologist about a month ago, once a week. I don't know that we're going to move much beyond calling me sick while at the same time recognizing that my resilience has brought me to this point.
I'm looking into group therapy because apparently it's helpful to hear from others that have similar experiences.
I thank you for all you share here. Somehow I think I will be more about reading you rather than participating myself. For me, in-person, voice-to-voice has always been best.
John
