Intrusive images

[Sterre]

Lately I have these horrible Intrusive Images flashing in my mind, and they scare the hell out of me.
I cant get my mind around it, maybe some of you can help me with identyfing what it means?

Firstly I want to appologise for describing these graphic images, they are pretty harsh and violent.

When I grew up there was a lot of violence in my family. My stepfather used to attempt to strangle my mother almost every other day, when they were in a fight. Sometimes she would black out, or make grasping sounds because she couldnt breathe.
As a child I would panic and freeze every time they were in a fight. I was always scared he would murder her.There was never anything I could do to prevend or help because I was to small. I couldnt flee from these situations.

For the last few months I experience these very vivid, short mental images flashing in my mind, of me strangling people around me, or images of me being strangled. They come out of now where, or so it seems. I don't understand this. Please be aware of the fact that I would never use violence or do something like this to anyone, they are just images.
It must have something to do with anger, but I just cant get my mind around this and it's highly disturbing to me.

Sorry if this comes accros to strange or crazy, I am a very non violent person myself and don't feel the urge to act out these image;s or something like that.

 

[intothelight]

Sterre,

I am sorry you are experiencing these and I am sure they are deeply disturbing. They could be some distorted flashback, but definitely worth discussing with your T.

No, you don't sound crazy and it is clearly understandable these are images and not something you want to act out on. But like you said, being non-violent and having violent images is deeply disturbing.

Wishing you peace.
Debbie

 

[Sterre]

Thank you Intothelight for your reaction!

Yes, I think they are some kind of distorted flashbacks also, and I already discussed it with my T. She suggested that every time I have a "flashback"like this, I must try to imagine my mother or stepfather in this mental image instead of the person that's in it. It's a way of trying to redirect the anger/violence towards one of my parents instead of myself or random people.

I feel she's partially right in her observation that these images have to do with anger. It's such a violent image, it can't be about anything else. But I don't understand the distortion. Why can't it come out as straight forward anger towards my parents, why does it choose to present itself in this horrible way? Why is it so covered?

*sighs with a dramatic look* Why does everything that comes out has to be so damn covered?

 

[kers]

I very much relate to this. I do have intrusive thoughts that are not directly related to the trauma, but I can usually trace them back to it eventually. From "I think the house is going to catch fire" (worries of safety) to imagining my car going off the road, they tend to be related to either 1. fears of safety or 2. anger that I am uncomfortable expressing.

I have had a LOT of trouble expressing any anger, even minor irritation towards someone in my present life who has nothing to do with my trauma. I have been conditioned not to ever get angry, so these thoughts are one way the feeling leaks out.

I wonder if expressing anger in general, through, say, art or physical activity might help reduce these thoughts. When I am brave I do express my feelings in artwork and it does help dissipate those scary feelings.

 

[Paragoddess]

Think of it this way: Your brain has wrinkles and folds in it, so sometimes it makes its own connections.

When my son hit 'the terrible twos', he would do things that set my anger right front and center in my head. And I would see me doing some of the most horrid things to him. Things my father did to me, or my sister or brother or Mom. It was the first time I went into counseling. I am happy to report that throughout my both my children's rearing I only did one horrible thing to each of them. Not that that is something to be happy about, but with my father, it was daily.

I learned one valuable thing; when I got to 'that point' it was important to physically distance myself from the situation until I was ready to speak instead of throttle.

 

[Sterre]

Oh men, sometimes I cannot express my gratitude enough for finding this forum! Thank you Kers and Paragoddes for your reply's, they mean a lot to me.

I very much relate to this. I do have intrusive thoughts that are not directly related to the trauma, but I can usually trace them back to it eventually. From "I think the house is going to catch fire" (worries of safety) to imagining my car going off the road, they tend to be related to either 1. fears of safety or 2. anger that I am uncomfortable expressing.

yeah, I can relate to what you write here, Kers. ( Do you know Kers means cherry in dutch?) The distinction you make between worries of safety, and anger, are interessting to me. It provides a tool for looking and dividing my own intrusive thoughts and image's. ( each put neatly in their own little box, now that would be nice

)

I used to have vivid flashes/images of myself getting in an accident, sometimes I can/could almost taste the imaginary blood on my lips. And I do know about worries of safety.

It's something like holding some rare china in your hands and suddenly imagining ( and seing it happen in a flash) it slipping out of your hands, or standing on a bridge and suddenly getting scared because I imagine I jump of of it.
Maybe my imagination is just to vivid, I think images sooner than words.
These flashes are nasty, and because they confuse and scare me, It's hard to trace back the trigger because I get caught up in my anxiety.

Next month I start PMT ( Psycho-motorishtic - Motorsometing therapy) and I hope I can work on my anger issues there. Getting physical in a safe enviorment to recognise the anger i'm holding.
So, if you read something in the news, a month from now, about some crazy outraged dutch lady, strangeling her PMT Therapist, It would be about me.

 

[Darkness Shines]

Yes, this sort of thing happens to me all the time. Sometimes it's the images of what I would like to do (the horrifically mutilated body of someone I don't like, heh), and sometimes it's what I'm afraid of happening (seeing someone I love hurt). Lots of images of general destruction/monsters/evil things happening too. I figured the vividness and frequency comes from the combination of being CPTSD and intensely imaginative by nature.

So, if you read something in the news, a month from now, about some crazy outraged dutch lady, strangeling her PMT Therapist, It would be about me.;)

LOL!

 

[Turtle]

Yeah this happens a lot to me too. Usually it's like a video that plays in the back of my mind, so while I might be trying to pay attention in class and (trying to!) take notes really I can just see videos of what my abuser did to me on a nonstop loop. My carer has gotten to the point where he can tell when I'm watching the videos more than being engaged in our conversations and then trys to help me make it stop. Overall not fun to go through.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear sterre, I have not had that and God knows I am certainly no T, but I can only say when there is a justfiable-perception that a murder may occur (as what you experienced) as a child, it 'crosses your mind' (fears/ thoughts/ flashbacks)- I have had that. Perhaps imagining 'you' being the one 'doing it' has less to do with anger as the mind's way of simply thinking of how you would defend yourself, or how would/ could anyone? To gain control over the fear. Or putting it another way, think of post-partum depression and the potential for distorted and intrusive, even violent, images (not out of anger but fear). Or even in another way, I think of watching something horribly triggering in a movie, and then having gruesome nightmares- and that's not 'real life'/ the past.

I'm sorry because it sounds horribly disconcerting, but I agree- tell your T and don't worry, sounds like an attempt for your mind to grasp and contend with the memories of terrible, terrible, terrible past events.
(((sterre)))

 

[Kintsugi]

I very much relate to this. Since I was a child I have had disturbing images flash in my mind, usually of me or a distorted representation of me stabbing myself. Recently this has manifested as chewing glass. I recognize that these images usually come from me either feeling extreme humiliation or shame (which I often feel over small instances of failure, like lateness or forgetfulness) or from extreme feelings of frustration or anger, often because I feel somehow suffocated or overpowered by an external force, everything from my abuser asking me for a favor to the demands of college.

Something that has worked pretty consistently for me over my lifetime is writing fantastical stories, wherein my protagonist often has an enormous amount of power. Sometimes these stories are cruel (character destroys a city in graphic description), but they leave me feeling empowered, and I can leave those feelings behind in a fictional story with fictional victims that I can delete/throw away if I want to.

Hope this helps.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Yes, I have terrible thoughts. But like you, never would act on one. I took a course in DBT which helped me to NOT JUDGE them. It is hard to do, but I try to just watch them. They do go by. I try to not judge them or myself for having them. Then, once I have given them a certain amount of time, if they do not leave, I use distracting techniques I learned in DBT. Healthy distraction.

Of course, it is all easier said than done, but you are not to blame for them. They mean NOTHING except that you were a victim of terrible abuse. Of course, they mean something because of that, but when I say they mean nothing, they in themselves have zero power.

I know it is hard because they hammer away so relentlessly. Abuse is so awful when the kids see it. I am so sorry you had to deal with that as a child!

 

[Abrasky]

I also have what you call intrusive flashbacks. They are things about how other people in my life behaved during a trauma. They are untruthful self esteem beating things that people told me as a child. I just don't happen to agree with them and it causes my good angel to fight with my bad demon. The good angel wins. I think that is called anxiety.