Irritable

[Chava]

Mostly I just want to reach out to some people who might not think I'm just a bitch (well, maybe you do). I've been sick and it's dragging me down. I'm doing better with negative physical sensations like breathing issues or pain or other sensations but my tolerance is still low. I'm kind of at my limit. Then I have to help other ineffective people clean up messes I didn't make at work (even while trying my best to set really clear boundaries). Also, one colleague told another that a little disagreement about budget issue was "traumatic." No, it was not traumatic. Shut the f*ck up. I've even said outright to one whiney colleague, "I can't talk right now, I have way too much to do" and she kept whining even as I turned away and went back to my work. Getting up and leaving would not somehow save me time. I also didn't even have time to finish my lunch that day.

That's not really the point of my post. But I've been pretty overwhelmed (ended up in ER recently and am really trying hard to watch how I use pain pills, sleeping pills, and making sure I keep life balanced as I am newly sober again). I know everyone has valid concerns and stresses. I'm not saying mine are worse or that there's don't matter. But I have to detach without feeling like I need to say, "Guess what, I'm just trying to not accidentally kill myself this month."

I can't exercise because I'm not feeling well and am exhausted. But I'm not sure how to "rest"...worried I'm festering. I can't crack and get drunk. I am responsible for a lot at work and feeling too dumped on recently, along with my own personal challenges. I'm mentally telling myself it would be best, sane, and totally okay to walk out on anyone who would keep whining and trying to drag me into fixing their problems (not my job in this case). And I don't need to explain myself...just remind them there is nothing I can do, this is who they can call, and I'm personally overwhelmed and have a lot of work to do. I don't feel much personal support (rarely know how to ask for it) so am especially poor at tolerating just feeling used or dumped on. There is nowhere for me to in turn dump all that negativity...I just go home and implode.

I'm personally a better diplomat when feeling okay. But the people in my life (work and a few "friends" I don't let in very close) don't know how rapidly I meltdown when exhausted or not feeling well. I can do my own work, nothing else. The burn-out or meltdown stages are dangerous for me but I can't explain that to them (and shouldn't have to).

Help? (p.s. I will call someone in AA if I am really thinking of drinking...won't call just for support right now because I've coughed away my voice, but could speak more if I have to)

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Can't walk right now. What I have found helpful was using my hands. Make home made pasta (give it away) The measuring and mixing (all by hand) rolling by hands and then cutting the strips. Or I use clay and just got at it. Some time intent was a sculpture but mostly just working my hands and not my head.

Take care Chava, listening, but can't talk well either just now.

 

[shimmerz]

@Chava, I have NO idea how you keep work and the PTSD balanced. I so respect how you have been struggling and hanging on. And to quit drinking on top of it all? I don't know if you ever pat yourself on the back.... but man do you ever deserve it.

Just a ton of respect to you. Truly.

 

[Ronin]

I'm kind of at my limit.

Ok: What helps get on other stages, where it's painful but manageable?

Then I have to help other ineffective people clean up messes I didn't make at work

Clearly, they don't work with the boundaries, and you are at your limit. Cut them off. That's their mess, not yours, you're helping them of your good will, and some times, more than good will is necessary to work on an issue. You come before them.

she kept whining even as I turned away and went back to my work.

Well done on stating boundaries. She isn't owed a thing.

I also didn't even have time to finish my lunch that day.

I'm sorry you missed your meal to that.

I know everyone has valid concerns and stresses. I'm not saying mine are worse

Well, clearly right now, yours ARE worse. You deserve the care. They can take care of themselves, they're not people requiring constant supervision or help to get the basic self care covered, and you're recovering from a medical emergency. You come first.

But I have to detach without feeling like I need to say, "Guess what, I'm just trying to not accidentally kill myself this month."

One more reason to put yourself first. It's your life on the line here. Lives take priority before anybody's bullshit.

I'm personally a better diplomat when feeling okay

Some times, diplomacy is about telling other people to go to hell and start being effective, in a language they can understand.

More later as I read through. Hang in there, mate.

 

[Ronin]

I will call someone in AA if I am really thinking of drinking...won't call just for support right now because I've coughed away my voice, but could speak more if I have to)

And tried anyone AA online / text based? Someone you could talk to even when your voice is schluss and not present at all?

 

[Intrepid]

Just a ton of respect to you. Truly.

Me too.

You deserve compassion. I know there are some places in this world where compassion is hard to find. Doesn't mean you don't deserve it.

Been there. Sometimes I am just trying to keep my self from falling apart. When I quit drinking I slowly lost it. That was my medication, after all. That's what I used to deal with the flashbacks and anxiety.

I appreciate what you say today, and you have had a positive impact on me since I came here to myptsd.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

But I have to detach without feeling like I need to say, "Guess what, I'm just trying to not accidentally kill myself this month."

This is the story of my life. I wish I had something to say except that I understand ... people at work panicking over stupid things like a computer password being wrong, and meanwhile I'm trying to not throw myself off a bridge or cut too deep or take all my prazosin all at once.

One step at a time. One moment at a time. If I look too far ahead into the future, even an hour or a half an hour sometimes, or even fifteen minutes, things get incredibly overwhelming and I start to melt down. So, now. one minute from now. One minute after that. Thirty seconds after that.

I hope things get easier. I'm thinking of you.

 

[ladee]

I absolutely understand.. am feeling the same right now.... haven't gone to the 'throwing myself off a bridge', but , have thought about throwing others off the bridge....So tired of
'keeping it together',, I just said to hell with it and retired.... am no where financially prepared, but I am TAKING a turn....my soul is weary.

 

[Chava]

Lives take priority before anybody's bullshit.

:)

Some times, diplomacy is about telling other people to go to hell and start being effective, in a language they can understand.

:wtf::wtf::wtf: Yes! That's the hard part!! I'm not warm fuzzy...I do physical things to create boundaries and just feel pushed too far when those don't work.

Thank you so much everyone! I hate complaining, but this really helped to get out....because I feel isolated with my own inner meltdown and the exhaustion of trying to just show up, do my own work, and not fall apart this week... and how to not tell others to f*ck off (or how to do that nicely...thumbs up and "f*ck off"? :tup::sour::headphone:)

 

[Chava]

Random side note. These two together:

:shifty::cautious: :shifty::cautious: :shifty::cautious:

 

[RavenGirl]

@Chava, sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I understand the juggling work and PTSD thing as I am in the same boat. Sometimes I'd love to be like the boy in the bubble so I could block out everyone! ! Could you picture that, don't want to hear them just shut off the speaker things in the bubble and they are gone!! Thought you'd like my thought on that. Hope things get better real soon. Please take extra care of yourself. (((:hug:)))

 

[Ronin]

Random side note. These two together:

:shifty::cautious: :shifty::cautious: :shifty::cautious:

Buddy you just figured a fix for my relationship problems. Perfect description where words been lacking hard. I'm eternally thankful for your communicative skills. Just in case you wonder you fail at diplomacy. :D:hilarious: