Is A 5 Minute Warning Too Much To Ask?

[tphillips117]

I need your help, fellow therapy goers! My T is a stickler for the 50 minute time slot. It's no problem for me, really. I understand the rules, the boundries, time retraints, etc. But there have been a few times when I've felt like I've been kicked out of the therapy room. I'll just have said something that could require a response and instead I'll get "Ok, our time is up, that's all for today". I like closure. I like things to be "wrapped up" neatly. This feels very far from that and I feel rejected because of it.

I had therapy on Wed. After 5 months of trying to convince myself to trust my T, I finally spilled the beans on some of my life. Unfortunately, I also think I dissociated. I suddenly had tunnel vision, I couldn't talk, I could hear but everything sounded distorted, and I went somewhere for several minutes. When I finally got my bearings, my T said "will you regret having told me that?", and then said "Ok, that's it for today", and I stumbled out to my car like I was drunk and had to drive home 10 miles. I don't even recall the trip.

I feel abandoned by my T for his complete lack of emotion, for the abrupt end of the session and absolutely no feedback or validation for my feelings. I'm talking about all of this next Wed. But is this a justifiable response? Or am I just over-reacting? I'm just so confused by all of it?

 

[piratelady]

I am no therapy expert, but it seems to me that he should not have just let you go in the state you were in. I would definitely discuss this with your therapist. Personally, I think it's the therapists job to manage the time and it's our job to talk. He should start to wrap things up earlier to give you time to get the closure you need and at the very least grounded.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Oh my, I'd be in a right mess if my T didn't let me know when we're getting close to the end! She always gives me about 5, sometimes 10 minutes warning, especially if it's something that's really painful we're talking about. I've occasionally said, after the warning, "Right okay, I'll tell you the next bit in an email, or next week because I haven't got time to pull myself together if I told you now". It's hard to stuff it back down, but I would be so much worse if I just got kicked out abruptly.

Your T should know better than to leave the session hanging like that. So no, I don't think you've over-reacted at all. Tell T you need a warning when there's just a few minutes left to wrap things up. You're in control of your sessions, so lay some ground rules that would help you.

 

[Venusian]

It isn't too much to ask. Taking a few minutes to ground yourself and to be able to be safe on the way home should be common sense to a "T". I have been in group sessions before I was ready to be in them and then had to drive home when I was really triggered and began to dissociate on the drive home. It was not safe for me or any other people on the road with me. I ended up quitting the group and haven't been back since. I did send an email to the group leader explaining why I wouldn't be back and she did apologize and even admitted that she knew I was struggling but did nothing to to stop me from leaving. I don't think I would ever feel safe going back.

After the talk I hope your "T" realizes how much an abrupt end of the session affects you and changes the way he interacts with you. If he doesn't respect that then maybe it is time to find someone else who does understand. I really do hope that it goes well, that you feel safe enough to have this discussion means that there are things about him that you do like and respect.

 

[tphillips117]

Venusian,
To be honest, I'm TERRIFIED to have the discussion. I keep rehearsing what I will say in my head. My feelings are really hurt and just thinking about what I will say makes tears stream down my face. I do like him. But I've had this unshakeable feeling of distrust since I began therapy but I just assumed it was me and my own insecurities. I wasn't ready to talk. I forced myself to tell him because it's been 5 months and I keep thinking he's going to give up on me eventually. I regret having done it. I wish it never happened. I just hope I come off as thoughtful and honest and I hope he doesn't get defensive and decide he can't help me. :(

 

[catjudo]

tphillips117--
You started two separate threads in two separate forums that were basically the same conversation. I have merged them together.

 

[Venusian]

Maybe it would be easier to bring the topic up by email before you went in. That is what I did. That way you could say exactly what you want to say and you won't forget anything. If he brings it up in your next session it would be easier to talk about it. If he doesn't bring it up and still treats you the same way without an explanation that tells you something about his character. A "T" should not get defensive if they have any training at all, they are there to support you and help you figure things out, they aren't there to make you feel worse without reason.

I know what it is like to be terrified to say something that needs to be said and it has taken me a long time to say some of those things. Once it was out it wasn't as terrifying as I thought it was going to be. I have discovered that the worst case scenario rarely happens.

 

[tphillips117]

My therapist doesn't use email. He has an office phone but never answers it. He is good at returning calls, but that doesn't really help me very much. I get the impression that he wants to see me for 50 minutes a week and not hear from me again until my next appt. and I have always honored this (unless I'm calling to reschedule). I have read others have gotten an "informed consent" telling them what is and is not acceptable as far as contact outside of session but I have never gotten that.

My T has been in practice for 28 years. He's an older guy. By now, I'd think he'd seen everything. So why on earth do I feel like such a freak? Sometimes he stares at me, and I wonder if he's as lost as I am.

 

[piratelady]

I've already been with the same guy for 5 months. He already knows my history, and to start over just seems like more than I can take.

I recently switched therapists. I had been with my previous therapist for about a year but realized it was not productive. I was so nervous about having to tell my story again, but I found the right therapist and it was difficult, but not has bad as I thought it would be.

I have only seen my therapist twice and already I see the difference. It is like night and day. It was the best decision I could have made and I don't regret it. I would suggest thinking about how you are benefiting from therapy verses these instances where you feel you were left hanging and try to decide what is the best thing for you to do.

 

[Ice_Fire]

You're not a freak, not at all. It sounds as if he's been making you feel uncomfortable for a while. The only thing I can suggest is you be honest about how you're uncomfortable. Hard conversation, (understatement, I know) but all the conversations with a T are hard. Setting boundaries, knowing where you both stand is essential in my opinion to good therapy. So if you can't talk openly about and sort out how his approach makes you feel, then it makes talking about the 'other stuff' even harder, if not impossible.

Sorry you're facing this difficulty :(

 

[Hashi]

There are so many red flags in what you say about this T, please think carefully about whether to find someone else to see instead. IMO no therapist should suddenly cut a session short, they should do a wrap up a few minutes before the end. This is particularly true of trauma therapy.

I understand your reluctance to consider changing after investing five months in seeing him, but it can be damaging to see someone who isn't the right fit or doesn't have a proper understanding of working with trauma. If that's the situation then losing the work, time and cost of the last five months would be tough, but continuing for longer would only be worse and worse.

You actually say that he hasn't been much help to you - after five months, this is a very bad sign. If it doesn't change, you'll have to cut your losses at some point so why not look at that seriously now?

You should be comfortable enough to ask for what you need - at one point I asked my T to warn me 15 minutes before the end of each session, as well as 5 minutes. You should also be able to talk with your T about the therapy relationship, what's working and helping and what isn't. You should be able to discuss what response you need when you disclose something.

If you do that, and you feel helped and supported by seeing your T then that's one thing. If however you end up constantly correcting things your T's doing that are upsetting you, or suffering them in silence, that's a serious warning sign that this isn't the right T for you. Good therapy is a partnership, but it isn't for you to manage and direct the therapy, or to train your T in how to work more sensitively, that's your T's responsibility and it would be unhealthy and unhelpful for you to take on that role. Therapy can be tough going, but it's meant to help - if it doesn't, why continue with the same person?

 

[anthony]

I agree that therapy has really lost the personal touch, with near zero ability to provide even that extra 5 minutes if needed. Saying that though... that would require the therapist to have some emotional judgement the their client is distressed at the end and could take 5 minutes to wrap-up. Shit... doctors eventually endue running late for the very same reasons, being you can't rush emotional stability to the minute.