Is being entangled in someone else's suffering "co-dependence"?

[Ecdysis]

Growing up in traumatic circumstances, I know I got entangled in the suffering of others.

Is that co-dependence? When you can't bear to see others suffer?

It's confusing. If I break my leg, I'm like meh, no big deal, just a broken leg. If someone else breaks a leg, I'm like OMG YOU POOR THING!!

Is that entanglement in some else's suffering?

How can I feel the compassion with less entanglement?

 

[Sideways]

When you can't bear to see others suffer?

This part sounds like empathy.

Empathising with someone in distress can be distressing. Vicarious trauma. So, self care is critical.

When you see someone else in distress and necessarily have to become involved, rather than, say, just sharing that space with them, is when it becomes problematic.

IME, it’s a very fine line.

 

[Ecdysis]

Thank you @Sideways

Just read this about vicarious trauma:

Vicarious trauma: signs and strategies for coping

That definitely resonates a lot.

As you say, it's a fine line.

I agree that finding soneone else's distress distressing is just plain and simply empathy.

I think when someone else's suffering starts to feel *unbearable* it feels like it's crossed that fine line into "something else".

Trying to explore what that is and how to untangle the dynamic so it's more healthy empathy and less vicarious trauma/ co-dependence/ whatever.

I wonder too, when in society, we see people numbed and desensitised and reacting unempathically so much, whether that's a message that we get conditioned with? That showing compassion and empathy is "sappy"? That to "get ahead" in a capitalist system, you need to be "tough"? I wonder to what degree true empathy is actually turned into something uncomfortable/ inappropriate/ uncool, cos it doesn't fit into our societal narrative of "I'm fine thanks"?

 

[Sideways]

Quite possibly. But also, this:

That showing compassion and empathy is "sappy"?

Would be a completely dysfunctional way to live.

I do frontline outreach as a volunteer, and you don’t have to be looking all that hard for it to see suffering of some kind everywhere. To take it all on board and stay sane would be impossible.

Even just among my team at work - I don’t need to push many layers back before every single one of them has genuine distress about something. Past wrongs, future worries, people they care about doing it tough if not themselves right now.

I think it’s an oversimplification possibly to think that most ‘our society’ doesn’t empathise that well. These days, having been very fussy about what circles I move in - I’ve got people all around me who extend extraordinary amounts of empathy and compassion towards others as their norm.

Something I’ve noticed, though, is that they share in others’ joy, however momentary, even more. Empathy isn’t just feeling others distress - it’s understanding where they’re at emotionally as well. And there’s people all around us finding joy in this moment, often right alongside distress. That’s worth sharing too.

 

[arfie]

this very question found its way into my daily psych meditation at least 10 years and 3 major life changes ago. during the isolation phase of my river research, it wiggled its way through my people phobia. fear of commitment and all those yaddahs. here in my second parenting career, my 71 year energy levels require depending on other people for the task of raising 3 orphans and running a farm.

then we get to my compulsive urges to save every puppy in the pound. . .
where's my super cape?

when in society, we see people numbed and desensitised and reacting unempathically so much

leaving the rest of our societal peeps to explain their own actions/inactions, when that people is me, it is typically, "dissociation." i dissociate often while reminding myself i don't get to save every puppy in the pound. works in progress.

 

[Friday]

The HEALTHY side of codependency? Is called teamwork.

Natural inclinations can get warped with trauma. Being someone who is naturally inclined to help others? Ain’t an unhealthy thing, in and of itself. Ain’t healthy, either. It’s ways, means, motivations. Depends on you, rather than the situation. Or, at least? More than the situation. IME/IMO.