Relationship Is constantly breaking up normal? what should i do?

[Sweetpea76]

Hi @Lem... welcome to the forum. There is a great supporter section here, and a lot of us are supporting Combat Vets.

It can kind of blindside you. A lot of times there is a honeymoon period in the beginning of the relationship where things are going great... then *boom* PTSD. Did anybody get the license number of that truck that just ran me over?

He is the only one who can help himself... you really can't do much fro him other than support him. If you are an action-type person, that is frustrating as hell, because you want to do something, anything, to make it better. All you can really do to help is learn as much as you can about PTSD, then learn how to function in your half of a healthy PTSD relationship. The supporter section is a great start. You can get a lot of good advice and recommendations for sources etc., not to mention a place to vent and get some support of your own.

Like @Sighs said, the push/pull is common when your sufferer is more symptomatic. Stress is not PTSD's friend. Stress (death in the family, financial stress, out of his safety zone) = symptoms.

Also, if he is 100% Total and Permanent from PTSD, his psych evaluation isn't exaggerated. What may complicate matters is that the VA isn't very helpful, it's sad to say. These guys need a lot more help then they can get. I'm so annoyed at the VA right now it's not funny.

 

[Owl.]

Hey @Lem - welcome to the rollercoaster. :)

There's nothing much I can do but echo what everybody else said. The supperters-section on here pretty much is the perfect starting point for that journey you're on. You'll find many people riding that same whirlwind you've been sucked into there, and there'll always be open ears (or eyes, as the case may be) for the frustrated rants that sometimes just HAVE to be let out in times like these.

Back/forth, forever/never, I love you/get the f*ck away from me...the ole see-saw is normal in symptomatic times. Been there (on both sides), done that, and that T-shirt is absolutely hideous, but if you decide to put it on anyway, know that it CAN become absolutely wearable. The effort is insane, and most of the work will have to be done by him while you can't do much except learn as much as you can, be there as much as he may let you and sit it out.

The thing is, he may not be ready to face the music. He also may not be allowing you to be all that supportive, at least not in a way you'd see as such.
Him not taking his meds sort of screams "I don't need anything/anyone, I can do this myself, damn it!", an attitude that, unfortunately, is pretty common. It also is completely misguided. This beast can't really be tamed by sitting it out, the slightest thing going wrong (and the death of a relative is far from "slight") can - and more often than not WILL, especially while things go untreated - send it right into Hulk-mode, and the ones closest to the sufferer usually end up bearing the brunt of the mess.

Combat-PTSD in a way is even harder to live through as a supporter than most other types. As soldiers, these guys and gals have been trained to never allow for weakness in themselves, and suddenly their own minds and souls turn against them. A thousand Minecraft-players couldn't build walls higher and faster than those our vets build around themselves then. Anyone's first instinct would be to take a wrecking ball to those things, but pushing the issue tends to drive them even further away. Stuff needs to be taken down brick by brick, with most of the work being done from inside that prison.

His eval isn't exaggerated. I can absolutely see why that would've been your first impression, I barely managed to believe my own, let alone my vet's. It's hard to truly grasp what a "damaged" mind/soul can do to a person. Take it as it is, hard as that may be, and use it as a starting point for your journey. IMHO, it's a mighty GOOD sign that he not only told you about his diagnosis, but also allowed you to read about the details. Trust tends to be a major issue, but you seem to have his, so try to use that fact for strength when times get tough.

Good Lord I'm rambling, aren't I?
Apologies for the length of this. I'm going to end this with a quick summary of the main things to keep in mind as a supporter, stuff that's not easy to do, but really the only way to go.
You cannot fight this battle for him. He'll have to do that himself.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is this: Take care of yourself, first and foremost. Know your limits, set your boundaries, and don't allow them to be crossed, not for all the love in the world.
The Beast can eat up everything and everyone in its path, and a supporter is no good to anyone in pieces.

Stay strong, girl, and stick around. We're all here for ya. :)

 

[Lem]

Thank you for that both. I needed it this morning. He woke up in a great mood then disappeared into his phone and now will barely look at me.. And then having to ask for a hug last night like I'm hideous or something. Still trying to find out in my head what I did to make him hate me this much, but logic dictates it might not be me. Just trying to be patient and hopefully give him space when we are home.. I appreciate the support. He is the worlds most affectionate sweet good person and then flips to acting like he's sick of me and hated me all along. It really messes with my mind.

 

[Owl.]

Ah, Lem, it sucks. Too many of us have been (and are) where you are now.
In a "normal" relationship, anybody would tell you to run. Get out as fast as you can. It's what most supporters here have heard time and time again from those around them whose lives are unaffected by this monstrosity, but that's the beautiful thing about this place: It (usually) isn't the first reaction anybody here has 'cause we all know that what's "normal" has gone right out the window and left the country.

Here's the mantra you'll have to repeat to yourself until you start believing it (and that point WILL come eventually): It's not you. You haven't done anything to "cause" this. It's not even really "him", either, it's his mind seriously screwing with him. [Disclaimer: There are exceptions where people are just plain a**es. I'm slowly learning to assume most people AREN'T, so I'll just believe that about him, too. :) ]

Patience is key, absolutely. Giving him space is another, as is communication (when and ONLY when he's up for it) - but self-care is the whole bleepin' key RING. No one in your life can be more important than YOU. I'm not going to lie: This isn't going to get better unless he gets himself into pretty intense treatment. If you choose to stick it out, incredibly thick skin, a rock-solid support system - possibly even with a therapist of your own - and a pretty gigantic number of healthy coping mechanisms for any situation will have to become the foundations of your everyday life. It may take some time to figure out what works for you, but you've found your way here, and it's a mighty good source of inspiration and suggestions.

Just keep in mind that there is no shame nor weakness in deciding you can't do this anymore. I'm not telling you to dump him or anything like that at all, but if ever you reach a point where it's break or leave, the stronger choice is the one that hurts most. Dealing with an untreated sufferer can kill even the most determined soul, and that's a kind of damage that'd be hard, if not impossible to fix.

For now, however, I see a beautiful, strong woman who'd be willing to move heaven and earth to figure out how to live life with the Beast riding her man's shoulders, so now "all" (ha!) that has to happen once his stress-levels have gone back to something he can manage is for him to realize he needs help, then I don't think there's anything stopping you from being just the kind of supporter anyone could wish for.

And now...go ye forth and distract thyself, if there's any way to get at least a few minutes to yourself.
A punishing run, five minutes of screaming where no one can hear you, aggressively doing the dishes or having a ginormous ugly-cry while blasting Christina Perri's "Human" - whatever works. Just get it out of your system, 'cause that sh*t is poison.

Wishing you all the strength in the world, you both can do this. :)

 

[Lem]

I'm trying to hear all that stuff its just emotionally draining. He is acting kind of crazy since his uncle passed and I can't even talk to him about it because he'll flip out at me and then be mean for a few hours after that. If if ask him to stop being nasty I'm being needy. Two days ago he was singing and being sweet then he went manic and then crying and honestly its like living with a crazy person. We are supposed to be getting married next month and honestly I don't even know if he loves me anymore. Maybe I am making this worse. He blames most things on me and sometimes it seems like everything I do is wrong. He gets so angry.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sometimes the best thing you can do is just realize his stress cup is overflowing, he is totally symptomatic, and just not react to his outbursts. This has nothing to do with you, it's all about him not handling his stressors. He can't even handle his own emotions, so he really isn't going to be able to deal with yours either when you let yourself get upset by him.

It is pretty sucky, because it is normal human reaction to be sad when somebody you love is mean or says hateful things to you. It is not the way he should be acting, and there is no excuse for it at all... but lashing out can happen when a sufferer is not handling their stressors. Sometimes you have to just let the emotional stuff go when they are symptomatic.... to a point. You shouldn't have to tolerate any kind of verbal abuse, and when you are back home in a place where you have some control, it would be good to set up some boundaries about what kind of behavior you can tolerate.

One of the first things I learned when I started coming here to this forum was to set my boundary about lashing out behavior. I do not tolerate it, and I won't listen to it. When my vet gets nasty or verbally lashes out at me, I tell him "Stop. I love you but I'm not going to listen to you lash out at me. When you are calm, I will be more than happy to listen to you." Then I remove myself from the situation. This does two things. First it stops the situation before it gets more heated, and either of say anything that can't be taken back. It also nips any aggression in the bud. Secondly it sets my boundary. I will not listen to that horseshit, and I mean it. I'll leave.

 

[Lem]

Yeah I usually try to say to him but its hard. He just flipped from great mood to pissy one because I put my phone in the seat pocket on the greyhound. Got really annoyed then was adamant it was not him. He's a living nightmare when he's like this.

Mostly he's been like this for almost a month now... I'm missing the normal him. He has been like that since we had to go to west Virginia but it still made it hell for me. He wants the impossible from me sometimes. I literally annoy him with my face or the way I breathe when he's like this then its my fault for not stopping annoying him. Between grumps he is kind of sweet still but I miss him being semi normal.. :(

 

[CharlotteB]

Wow the first part of your story (minus the engagement) is verbatim for me. I'm so glad I've found this forum. I've known my guy for about 7 months. We hit it off almost instantly. We are long distance (4 hour drive) so we would talk constantly and meet whenever we could. My first or second visit to his place, he let me read his pysch eval (combat PTSD, which NO ONE else had read). I'll admit, it was BAD but he seemed normal, so maybe it wasn't really that bad...

About a month or so into our relationship, he "disappeared" for a day or two. When he resurfaced, he admitted that he likes to "process things on his own." We talked about it, he said he'd work on not doing it again, everything was cool. About a month later, he disappeared after a disagreement, for 2 months. He came back, we reconciled and it was like we had never been apart...didn't skip a beat! I met his family and he had apparently told his sister that I was the best thing that's ever happened to him. About two weeks ago, I said something that unknowingly upset him. The following night he lashed out and said some very mean things. I expressed my hurt and anger and he disappeared (for about a day and a half). He then apologized, we worked things out, everything's great.

A few days ago (apparently) we had another disagreement. He posted on Facebook the following morning that he was coming to my city but he hadn't told me this directly. No contact the entire day. Later that night, he posted that his phone was having issues and to IM him. So I did, asking why I hadn't heard from him. He basically said that he was busy, my emotions had taken over our previous conversation and that he had decided to make some decisions without consulting me...also stating that "sh- ain't always about you." I was absolutely floored! Angry, hurt and in a state of complete disbelief. I mean, I really started crying uncontrollably! (and I HATE crying lol) I, in super short, told him I didn't know what I said that warranted his response but that his treatment was unfair. He didn't respond. I sent a message the following evening asking if I would see him below he left town. No response. Later I told him that his behavior was unacceptable and that I couldn't go through this with him again...no response yet.

He's the greatest guy and has never given me signs of being a jerk or anything like that. But when he does this it feels like he doesn't care or love me. I don't know if it's his PTSD, maybe he's just a horrible communicator. I just don't know...which is how I stumbled onto this site.

Sorry if I'm thread-jacking. Your story seemed too similar to start a new thread :) I'll also take a look at that article.

 

[Futuremrs]

I've been with my fiancé over 2 years and have been dealing with combat related PTSD. He didn't really see it at all until recently or maybe didn't want to admit it to himself. I went to my doctor and was diagnosed with anxiety and perscribed sleeping pills. I don't know why it's been mostly a lot better since this happened. This somehow helped him realize that him choosing not to get help isn't only affecting him. I know he loves me and he's a great guy. He just gets upset for the littlest reasons, has severe anxiety and will constantly stay up for days at a time. It's hard because sometimes he looks at me like he hates me, but then he asks if I still love him. I feel like my life has turned into an emotional roller coaster ride...soooo many ups but lots of downs too.