Is Denial Such A Bad Thing?

[Maxi]

A few on here have told me that I am in denial. I think perhaps I am, but is that such a bad thing? It's my reality after all, why can't I create it the way I want it to be? It's not like I've made up memories, it's just that I've omitted and ignored unpleasant ones.

I initially broached the topic of exploring childhood stuff with T, but now I'm terrified that I've made a big mistake. My T has started to question what I want to get out of therapy, something my previous T did also. T says that disclosing can have a powerful effect and what exists exists already and all I'd be doing is sharing and allowing exploration. I quite like my reality. I don't see how destroying that would fix my current problems.

I realise that this is insanity. It's like I accept and don't accept the stuff in my past. There was a time when I was so desperate for certainty and now that it floods me I refuse to accept it. I love my family too much to ever betray them by accepting that reality. I'm not sure going into therapy was the right decision. I'm not sure whether my Ts way is the best approach. I just want to be able to function without having to avoid my trigger and I don't know if delving into the darkness and getting filthy is the right way to go. As painful and as unsatisfactory as my present reality is, I think maybe it's a lot better than the other one and so like a stubborn child, I think I'm more comfortable in this discomfort staying put.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure how to share with her without destroying this pleasant fiction. I want to be able to have a life and not struggle to do basic things, but I'm terrified my life will fall apart if I tell T anything.

I think my therapy journey may soon be at an end :(

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Hi @Maxi,

I want to share with you this quote by James Baldwin:

"Perhaps everybody has a garden of Eden, I don't know; but they have scarcely seen their garden before they see the flaming sword. Then, perhaps, life only offers the choice of remembering the garden or forgetting it. Either, or: it takes strength to remember, it takes another kind of strength to forget, it takes a hero to do both. People who remember court madness through pain, the pain of the perpetually recurring death of their innocence; people who forget court another kind of madness, the madness of the denial of pain and the hatred of innocence; and the world is mostly divided between madmen who remember and madmen who forget. Heroes are rare."

Remembering things and working through them can be very difficult but not remembering leads to denial and self hatred.

You have taken the first step in seeing a therapist to work on your issues. However, it seems that you are reluctant to delve deeper in the pain and hurt. This might be fear and is understandable. I was in denial for a very long time and I am still hesitant about bringing some stuff in therapy. I hope to do it in the future. My suggestion is to try an identify some childhood memory that is painful but not overwhelming. Perhaps something small that is not overwhelming. Maybe a time when someone yelled at you for some small mistake, or some moment where you felt sad about something. Any small thing that you feel comfortable discussing with your T.

If nothing comes to mind or you really don't feel ready then you can take a break from therapy. In the end, therapy is your choice and you are in control. You can decide how far you are ready to go at this point in time. If you are not ready you can postpone it for later. I encourage you to take a risk and open up in therapy even a little bit and see how that goes.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It sounds like you realize that you need some sort of help but seem afraid of rocking the family boat and of course this feeling is so normal. Are you afraid of change?

Denial of reality is not living in the real world and sets you up to be victimized some more.

You are important and deserve to go to therapy and really commit to your healing and recovery.

Are you afraid of what comes out? I hope you choose to continue your therapy for your own sake, because you deserve to have better days. It is a process of waking up and it is scary and confusing and it does rock the boat.

 

[shell]

I lived in denial for close to 30 years after my 18 years of abuse ended, and as a result I have mainly just existed rather than actually live my life.

It meant that as time went on, my life contracted to the point where I no longer interacted with other people except from a place of fear.

My whole life had been based on fear, I don't socialize very often, I don't have friends that I see reguarly, I don't see family other than my immediate family that I live with, and these reactions affect not just me, but my whole family. I wasn't always like this, I travelled overseas for a year with friends, socialized with lots of friends, and appeared to have not been affected by my abuse, but as time went on, the more I wasn't coping, the denial prevented me from seeing not just was doing to myself, but how my behaviour affected others and hurt them.

When I am triggered I hurt others, I withdraw, isolate and treat them like they are just like my abusers, that they hate me, will physically hurt me, and that they are mean and horrible, when actually they are none of these things.

Coming out of denial has caused me to feel a great deal of distress, pain and now I am really starting to understand why anyone would bother with therapy, because it has given me something I never believed I deserved to have, my life, my self respect and happiness I didn't believe I deserved or was possible.

I know you're afraid, but if the right tools are taught to manage the emotions, and the right support is put in place then taking a slow pace will get you there, you survived what happened to you at the time, and you will survive this.

I always believed I would not cope, I told myself I wouldn't, but it just wasn't true. I think sometimes those of us who rely so heavily on denial forget that the things that protect us in the past, are the very things that will protect us as we go through processing trauma. For years I have gone in and out of denial, dissociated when things were over whelming, but as time has gone, I have learnt to tolerate my emotions, my memories and the hurt that comes from coming out of denial.

You deserve to have a life that is not based on trauma and being a victim, coming out of denial is painful, but even more painful is the regret from having wasted most of your life hating yourself, blaming yourself and being something you never were in the first place.

When the childhood stuff starts leaking out all over the place, it didn't really matter how far I ran from it, how much denial I used, there was no stuffing it back in the box and pretending it didn't exist, eventually it had to be faced, I went through more pain and suffering by telling myself I couldn't do this, it was too painful. Believe in yourself you are worth it.

 

[Friday]

I love my family too much to ever betray them by accepting that reality.

1. How does this betray them?

2. My own experience with both denial & compartmentalization (2 different things) is that they work... Until they don't. When they stop working? Danger Wil Robinson! Lookout! Again, in my own experience, while messing about with the things I've got compartmentalized may be painful and difficult, it also adds about 12 levels of control to be doing so consciously. At the very least I can set up my life in the short term to be able to cope with the side effects that I know mucking about will bring. Waiting until those compartments fail, meanwhile? I thought there would be the same levels of pain and difficulty as when they're up and running. I was wrong.

Probably the best way I can parallel how wrong, is the difference between making yourself vomit on purpose, versus having food poisoning, and puking uncontrollably for days. There's not only no control, but often comes with severe and dangerous consequences & complications. Puking on purpose still sucks, but at the very least you can make sure you're doing so in the bathroom & have rehydration salts on hand... Instead of losing it out of both ends whilst driving, causing an accident, or ending up in the ER hooked up to IVs and monitors due to dehydration and seizures.

3. Is denial always a bad thing? Nope. It can be a very useful tool. It can also be very dangerous. My SIL gave her two small children to a pedophile for the weekend (and, yes, both were violently raped) ... Because she was in denial. (He was family). A table saw is a useful tool. But it can still slice off your fingers or worse.

 

[Glenn R.]

Link Removed - A savvy therapist will never rush a patient into divulging anything they are not ready to reveal. It's all about timing. Same with our ego defenses, which are there for a reason. When we feel SAFE -- and I can't possibly emphasize that term enough -- they will evaporate naturally. Denial is one of the most common defenses. It's there to protect you until you are ready to handle the complete reality of your situation.I had therapy in the '80s where I was pushed too fast, where the therapist tried to pull the rug out from under my defenses, and it ended up retraumatizing me, setting my progress back quite a bit.

 

[Seasounds]

There is nothing wrong with denial. Denial has many good attributes. One of them is that we can wait to deal with something, until we want to. We all have denial systems. They help us keep sane; if we became aware of too much, too fast, we would not be able to psychologically manage ourselves.

You certainly are at choice. I would say both choices-supporting or breaking your denial systems are fine choices. Why? Because they are yours. It is your life, And no one has the right to judge you or pressure you, including your therapist, for living your life the way that you want to live it.

I totally agree with you; opening the door to look at what has been hidden, changes everything.

There are many options. You can stay in denial, and tell no one. You could only share with your therapist, and no one else. Even if you are not Catholic, you can share with a priest, in a private confessional-never have to see him again. You can write your memories out, and do a ritual: burn the paper, or stick it in a bottle at the ocean. And you don't have to tell any family members.

I have a friend who is devoted to never saying anything negative about her parents. She was her father's favorite child. It is obvious that something went wrong in the family, due to the great difficulties she and her siblings have had. She never tells, I never ask. And growing up with parents who are dysfunctional, yes it creates great obstacles. Does it help to blame and shame them? For me, only to release anger, in the privacy of therapy or with a good friend. I don't think that it helps to accuse them, in public. Their denial systems only get triggered and get thicker.(Read below, I tried it with my dad.)

If you pick someone to work with, find someone, who does not give you 'attitude' for going your speed, at whatever you choose to do. You can still see the truth, and be in relationship with your family, who may not agree with you. That is the key; accept the memories as yours, and do not insist that they are anyone else's.
Maybe this round of therapy was a success, because it either opened the door a little, or because it clarified what you want to do.

What I can offer from my sister and I being in your spot, may be helpful. My sister, the oldest child, and my father's protector, chose not to look at abuse. This caused her repressed emotions to move deeper into her body. She now has a crippling pelvic condition.

I was not the favored or wanted child. I tried for a decade to bury the memories. I became more and more depressed, and I had terrible nightmares, for a decade. Finally, I was broken. It seemed that I was either going to stay suicidal, or experiment with speaking to someone, and see if my depression decreased. My speaking came in bits.

Like you mentioned, there was the process of trusting the memories. My behavior certainly supported them, even before they became clear; I refused to be touched, especially by women (mother main abuser), when I flirted with boys I had unexpected flashbacks (abuse from my father.) The story goes on.

Staying with the points I have to offer.
It was a big advantage I was not close to either parent; in telling my memories, I did not risk a close relationship. I did risk what approval they did give me-which was very dysfunctional. When I decided to tell them, as I expected, I did get ostracized. (I decided to tell my dad, "my memories" because I wanted to claim my adulthood and share my point of view, I reinforced that they were only my memories, to open up a discussion, so they could share their truth as well. When I decided to tell them, as I expected, I did get ostracized.

And, for me it was worth it. The more I spoke to my therapists, in my own timing, and the more I came out about my memories to my family members, my deep depression and the nightmares lifted. I was able t 'share equality' and share my truth. I was able to release a cloud of grief, and really live my life.

Be and live well!:)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I quite like my reality. I don't see how destroying that would fix my current problems.

This is the crux of your problem. You want to get better, but don't want to face your past.

Sorry, but you can't have it both ways.

Getting better involves accepting out past AS IS, processing our memories and moving forward.

Yes, you can live in denial. Nobody is going to force you to do anything. But, 50 years from now don't be surprised if you wake up and realized you only half lived your life and have regrets about it. That's sort of what denial does.

 

[Maxi]

Thanks for all of your replays, you've really given me some food for thought.

@UniversalBeing I've never heard that quote before, but I think it is very accurate.

@gizmo Yes, I am terrified of change. The odd thing is, what has happened has already happened, so technically telling my T about it shouldn't change anything. It's confusing.

@shell @Solara Is there light at the end? If I choose to accept things, will the life led with that acceptance be better than the life I now lead? It feels as if it will break me, as if it will physically break me. I'm sick of living in fear and not being able to socialise, or work, but is delving into the fear from the past really the only way through? Surely there's another way.

@FridayJones It would be a betray in the sense that they view my childhood as happy and good and I don't want to shatter that by turning around and saying actually X, Y and Z happened and you weren't very good at looking after me at all. Also, I think my parents believe that I have forgotten stuff (in fairness I've forgotten a fair bit of my childhood) and believe that there is no problem with some of the stuff they did, or didn't do and I don't want to question that. What they call normal, the rest of the world calls abuse and I don't want my T to think the same thing. I don't want her to think that my childhood was horrible, when it wasn't, there were lots of happy moments and despite what others call abuse, I think in many ways I had a happy childhood.

@Glenn R. @Saetva She doesn't push me. The thing is I run into these things and then back way when it sense it is going to be painful, so I think sometimes I need a bit of a push, otherwise I'll just stand her getting nowhere. I suppose I don't need to mention anything to anyone else but my T, but I don't know how I'm going to. It seems I've been talking around the subject for ages.

Out of curiosity, how did you guys first tell your Ts, or anyone about your trauma? How was it received?

I've been thinking a lot about what you guys have said and I think I should tell her, I need to try and be brave. I'm going to try telling myself first. I think if I can accept things on my own than it may make it easier. Maybe I'll paint her a picture, I'm not sure if words would work well.

Thank you everyone, I really do appreciate your words. I think these last few weeks I've just had so many things to process I feel a bit flooded.

 

[shell]

@shell @Solara Is there light at the end? If I choose to accept things, will the life led with that acceptance be better than the life I now lead? It feels as if it will break me, as if it will physically break me. I'm sick of living in fear and not being able to socialise, or work, but is delving into the fear from the past really the only way through? Surely there's another way.

Out of curiosity, how did you guys first tell your Ts, or anyone about your trauma? How was it received?

I've been thinking a lot about what you guys have said and I think I should tell her, I need to try and be brave. I'm going to try telling myself first. I think if I can accept things on my own than it may make it easier. Maybe I'll paint her a picture, I'm not sure if words would work well.

Thank you everyone, I really do appreciate your words. I think these last few weeks I've just had so many things to process I feel a bit flooded.

If there is another way I don't know it, only you know what actually happened, coming out of denial doesn't necessarily mean disclosing to your family, that is your choice. My family were my abusers so there was nothing to disclose, although I did confront and remove them from my life as they were still abusing me, and I could admit that to myself when I came out of denial. What matters is coming out of denial for yourself, what you do with that information is entirely up to you, just as how much you disclose, as depending on your age and reporting issues you may chose not to disclose who did it.

In the end it is your choice, but experienced trauma therapists are used to hearing about trauma, and they want to help you, if you let them.

 

[Suzetig]

@shell @Solara Is there light at the end? If I choose to accept things, will the life led with that acceptance be better than the life I now lead? It feels as if it will break me, as if it will physically break me. I'm sick of living in fear and not being able to socialise, or work, but is delving into the fear from the past really the only way through? Surely there's another way.

I honestly don't think there is another way. I denied the truth to myself for most of my adult life, went not therapy 18 months ago and it all came crashing down, the realisation that I needed to address all the bits of my trauma and abuse if I was to recover was the hardest thing I've ever had to face. I know that feeling of admitting to yourself that very thing wasn't fine, feeling that if you tell anyone else you'll literally disintegrate in front of them, the fear and shame and anger that your experience leaves you with.

I can honestly say that facing it, accepting it for what it was and unpicking the impact on you now as an adult will be the sorest, hardest thing but it will also liberate you. Whether the life you lead afterwards it better or not is our choice, but at least it is a choice - the thing about being in denial is that it makes your life smaller, traps you and removes choice. @Solara is right, to live in denial is to live half a life. I know you can't imagine a way through just now that will lead to better things, that it feels like a mountain to climb but a good therapist will help you pace yourself and will know how to help you when you feel overwhelmed.

In terms of how to tell. I'd been in therapy for about 6 months and finally told just the broad headlines, we continued working together but I didn't speak about it at all until about 2 months later when I told bits and pieces. Slowly but surely we've talked about most of what happened and now if its something we haven't talked about, she can ask me to explain "X" and I can do it relatively easily eg with tears but not panic attacks. I'm fortunate in that I see someone privately who is absolutely fabulous - she has literally changed my life. At this point all you need to do is keep turning up, building your relationship with your therapist and the rest almost takes care of itself.

 

[Maxi]

Thanks guys. I can't stop thinking about it. I think I'm going to try and tell my T a little on our next session. Utterly terrified and I might lose my nerve, but I'm setting my intention to give it a go. I'm so grateful for this community :)