Is Everyone Afraid Of Me?

[NayaZ]

I never gave much thought to other people and MY problems. I just don't tell people I even have PTSD...I've gotten very creative with excuses and quick exits. But I guess I just hit my cap on lying lately and I opened up to some close friends...one who actually does suffer from PTSD himself - It was refreshing for a short while, then one by one, everyone I opened up to just rejected the crap out of me. It's not like I showered them with my problems, I try to be very upbeat and fun most of the time. Two of my friends just texted me out of the blue telling me to leave them alone. The one friend who also suffers from PTSD still talked to me for a minute, then his girlfriend told him not to anymore, so he obliged. My ex tried to take advantage of me...the times when I was disoriented or upset, he would insist he "help" me through it, but instead would try to take advantage of me and tell me later that I imagined the whole thing. Since I broke it off with him, he told all my private issues to other people who all now treat me like I am a disease.
I'm pretty sure everybody in the world is afraid of me either because of violence from my past or because they think I'm unstable and going to snap into a psychopath any second. I'm really depressed about it. I'm scared to go out, and to get close to anybody at all even though people I associate with keep hitting me up saying they miss me. I'm an entertainer and kind of a local celebrity so people are used to seeing me out...but I can't take it anymore. Two of my friends know about me and are still there for me, but I'm constantly worried that they're also going to push me away so I try to act SUPER normal, which makes me even worse at keeping it all in. Last night I started randomly shaking with NO triggers whatsoever. My friend was kinda baffled as to what set me off, and I tried to laugh at myself about it so he didn't worry, but I was really upset.

Worst of all, I'm afraid I AM something to be feared. What if I can't see it and I AM a monster? I'm so paranoid that maybe I did something horrible to those friends who no longer talk to me, although I'm pretty sure I was actually very awesome to them...I can't make sense of their pushing me away so hard and it hurts...I'm worried I'm just a freak or a bad person. I've actually been telling people I'm sick lately so I don't have to go out anymore...I know that's not a realistic way to live, but how do I know if I'm just the victim of their prejudice or if I'm actually a horrible person?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'll be blunt. People can be assholes. Period.

This is what I see. Correct me if I'm totally off the mark....

You've hidden your PTSD from everyone. You've been the fun public figure Naya to all of these people. They expect you to be a certain way, ie fun loving, outgoing, there for everyone else.... But now you are showing them a side to yourself that they've never seen before. Whoa! Stop the presses! Maybe they're sitting there subconsciously thinking hey, we don't want this Naya! We want the celebrity Naya back! So, one by one, they show their true colors. They show that they were never good friends. They show that they aren't in it for a give and take relationship, ie I support you when you are down, and then you support me when I am down. They just want the good stuff. In essence, they are selfish fair weather friends.

Unfortunately, it really can take going through a rough spell to figure out who your real friends are. Your real friends would NOT treat you like this. They would not abandon you when you are down. They would not try to take advantage of you. In short, these people masqueraded around like they were your friends, but they never really were. I know it can be hard to accept something like this, but the good news is that going forward you can be real about who you are. I'm not saying that we should dump all of our problems on our friends, because that wouldn't really be a good idea, but at the same time its perfectly reasonable to share your struggles with those you are close to. If someone can't support you, no harm in moving on.

I fully believe in Karma. (Yep, I've got the karma story of all karma stories, LOL.) One day these people who turned on you will go through some tough shit of their own. And just like they abandoned you when you needed support, they will feel what its like to have people give up on them when they are struggling. (Oh, it will happen....nobody escapes this life without going through something bad.)

A good (ok, well, in the long run, not so good) friend told me this. Ya gotta clear the bad shit out of your life to make way for the good stuff. (Come to think of it, I think she stole this line from some movie...) So yes, think of these crappy people in these terms. They are the not so good stuff that is now gone from your life so now you have room for good people to enter.

As for you being some evil monster? I highly doubt it. Most evil monsters don't have such self awareness. Rarely do they ever fear being a monster. Its sort of along the same lines as craziness..... Truly crazy people don't fear being crazy. They just ARE crazy. Those who fear being crazy aren't actually crazy, they just have very real struggles that they're dealing with. So no, you're not a monster.

And the shaking....I get that too. I hate it. But, its all a part of PTSD and experiencing anxiety for no reason whatsoever. I oftentimes reach out to people simply by saying "I'm agitated" (my code phrase for pretty much any PTSD symptom) and the response is usually "why are you agitated?" Much of the time my response is "I just am, there is no reason." Of course this makes no sense to a lot of people, but it is what it is.

 

[GWhizz]

I'm sorry you got some cruel reactions. As @Solara put it - some people are just assholes.

I can relate to the shaking you had. This has happened to me a few times for no apparent reason. Or at times I just get really overwhelmed and flushed and panicky when out with a friend. It's very difficult and I can see why you may want people to be able to understand more by sharing your diagnosis with them. I have considered it but I really just don't trust anyone enough. Then again, if they're going to act like dicks about it they're not worth your friendship. I know it's such a cliché but so true - you need genuine support.

Do you have a therapist? I'm worried you're feeling so depressed about it. You need to be validated here not undermined and cut-off.

 

[Born to Run]

For me ptsd and having real friends is a difficult combination. In general it is very difficult for other people to understand what we are going through. What people do not understand often scares them and they try to avoid. I thought to have a real friend, and when having a real bad week with therapist away, I wrote some of my internal struggles, as I thought she could be supportive. Forget it, since then I was avoided and even hurt by this person, and I cut it off immediately. Other friends in my home country, I have told I will come back to them, when I am able to communicate with them again. I have isolated myself having some email and text contact here and there, but this is my way of healing. I could no longer pretend to be anything that I am not, and simply have no energy for other people. I focus on therapy 2-3 times a week, and after 3 years I start to see the end of the tunnel. I am sure that the real friend part will be re-established after this period in life.
Point here being that pretending to be such a fun person, while you feel the total opposite does not work anymore at some point. I believe to heal it is so important to listen to your inner truth and live accordingly.

And no way you are a monster!!

 

[Friday]

Worst of all, I'm afraid I AM something to be feared. What if I can't see it and I AM a monster? I'm so paranoid that maybe I did something horrible to those friends who no longer talk to me, although I'm pretty sure I was actually very awesome to them...I can't make sense of their pushing me away so hard and it hurts...I'm worried I'm just a freak or a bad person.

Take it from someone who is a terrible person... Most people just aren't smart enough to be afraid.

As long as you look presentable? People really fall into one of three categories

- those who've been there & grok it
- those who are utterly clueless
- those who are attracted to it (either for the idea of danger, or for the redemption story).

Sounds like your former friends are in group 2. Most people are. Which means the reason for their leaving is their own... And has as little to do with who you are as a person as coming out about being a ballerina or gay. Their issues, not yours, prompting their decisions.

 

[Go Hungry]

Hmm. A difficult and tricky situation for sure. I've never had this happen, except with family members. I've always kept quiet about my PTSD except to life-long friends, and they are pretty cool about it. This may in part because almost all of my life-long friends have themselves been through some tremendous shit, and are kinda marginalized by society. We're weirdos, is what I'm saying. In my case, being a weirdo carries a certain sort of tribalism at times. But I know for sure that some of the people I work with are wary of me. They have seen my avoidance, my dissociation, the strange faces I make at times. They've never fired me for it, but some people do try and stay away from me. Sometimes it's weird because I've found that some people I've never met know all about me. That's creepy as hell. -They- worry that I'm a psycho, and for many years, I couldn't blame them. I was very symptomatic for quite a while, and it showed.

As regards to your friends. I don't know what to tell you. People are like that sometimes. They find out something ugly and they shy away from it. I had some people, long ago, shun me for my symptoms.. and well, hell.. everybody when I was a kid. The two who texted you to leave them alone.. Go ahead and leave them alone. As for the guy with PTSD, his girlfriend might have gotten jealous if he was putting a lot of attention into it, so that could explain things. Lord know I had to break off from female friends to appease my ex-wife, who could get jealous of a cat. Again, it's best to just leave him alone.

I hate to say this, but there could just maybe be some explanation (not necessarily a good one) for their concerns. If you were violent in your past (whatever the reason or situation) that can really turn people off. Big time. Also if you were coming on too strong. Keep in mind that it's not what you say, it's what people hear. Some (like my brother) have zero tolerance for bad news. He cannot abide the mention of family troubles, so my parents just gave up and tell me all of the family concerns. It could be something similar.

And then there's the really rough part, which you are already doing. The self-examination bit. I can't speak for you, but I can say that I have been (and still am to some degree) a monster. I had no intention of being so, but at times in my past I would be so wrapped up in my own dilemmas (without actually doing -anything- to improve them) that I just blundered through life without any concern for how others would be affected. I was flat-out brutish at times. I simply couldn't see other people's hurt, because my agony consumed me utterly. So I hurt people. I caused strife and discord. I was a monster, albeit an unwitting one. It's a horrible truth that I had to face, but it was completely necessary for me to move beyond it.

:(

Everybody has a monster inside of them. Beating it is what counts. Don't let it get you down.

 

[The Albatross]

Early in my recovery it was a hard fact that some people were afraid of me. They aren't anymore though.

 

[NayaZ]

Your replies are all very helpful. I know I should have a lot more professional help than I do ... I've seen 3 therapists but none really gained my trust. The first one just yelled at me a lot and called me by her daughters name. The second one was obsessed with suicide and kept insisting I had an eating disorder. The third didn't stand a chance.
I guess I am difficult...weird thing is most of my friends fault me for being too nice and putting up with too much. Im just so afraid of hurting ppl I let them walk all over me. and girlfriends absolutely hate me.
I've been trying to handle all this myself and im.pretty sure I'm Messing up bigtime. I just have no idea where to go or who to talk to About something I don't want to talk about.

 

[OneWing]

Look at the news and the things that people blame on PTSD. I would probably be scared too if I didn't have first hand experience. It seems like PTSD is the popular excuse to get away with anything these days, from adultery to murder.
I told one of my best friends that I had PTSD, and she, being a religious person, basically made it seem like she though I brought it on myself for not being religious enough. My family members are also very religious and they have tried to make it seem like I have PTSD because I don't "pray enough" or because I am too focused on my own problems instead of helping others.
I don't wish what I went through on anyone and I don't wish PTSD on anyone except for members of ISIS and Kim Jong Un. lol But I do wish that these people could spend one day in my shoes. Then they would understand why I sometimes cancel plans.
I am not one to dramatize things. I don't post on Facebook about when I have nightmares, flashbacks or am depressed. So I guess they assume I am living the dream.

 

[NayaZ]

I even feel responsible for the bad rep PTSD gets! Yes its all down to me right? But I have a couple celebrity friends who host a charity and want me to talk about things from my past because they're things that people don't associate with white American girls. They tell me constantly that my video will change everything. But my family doesn't even know. I'm scared to death to say anything. And now I have to feel bad for that. I don't think any person with a soul could do anything to DESERVE PTSD or whatever trauma led to it. and I wouldn't wish my plight on anyone except that I find myself some days wishing I could curse those self righteous people for just 24 hours...aaand then I feel bad about that. It's an endless loop that ends up with me feeling like a monster.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Given that you're not that far into treatment, I'd say hold off on the going public thing. This is YOUR story to tell and YOU get to choose if and when you go public. That is, don't worry about saving the world right now. Actually, I say screw the rest of the world until you are stable. You need to save yourself first before you even consider going public with everything. Healing is tough. Once you get into the nitty gritty of therapy, things are pretty much guaranteed to get worse. Do you want that crap splashed around as you'll have a lot less privacy? Yes, hold off....you can't help anyone else until you help yourself! I often like to use the airplane oxygen mask analogy....you've gotta put your own mask on and help yourself before you can help anyone else!

 

[Go Hungry]

Gotta go with Solara here. Do. Not. Go. Public. Because once that genii is out of the bottle, you'll never get it back in there. I don't know how big of a celebrity you might be, but this is true of everyone in all walks of life. You aren't responsible for anyone or anything other than yourself. And, don't take this the wrong way, but such a gesture won't change everything as your friends say. No offense, but it won't change anything other than your own life. Both Carrie Fisher and Ozzy went public about being bipolar, and the stigma of that didn't evaporate overnight. The stigma of PTSD won't change either, not due to one big announcement, no matter who it comes from. This isn't your problem, and it isn't your place to try and fix the world.

Plus, on another note.. You said that you're a 'people pleaser'... That's not a good thing to be.

weird thing is most of my friends fault me for being too nice and putting up with too much. Im just so afraid of hurting ppl I let them walk all over me.

Trying to please people all the time is a big sign of insecurity, and yes.. people will walk all over you. I let them do it to me for decades. Hell, I still do sometimes, it's something I have to watch out for. It sounds like you have some real troubles with Boundaries, which are a super-important part of being alive. It's like... it's like skin, really. Part of the function of skin is to separate our flesh and organs from the outside world, so we don't get infections. Boundaries are Skin for the Soul. (doubtless you've heard the old sayings about 'thick-skinned people.") Those aren't just sayings, they have real weight.

[DLMURL]http://markmanson.net/boundaries#XeoPGF:D08n[/DLMURL]

That link goes to the website of a guy who started out trying to be a Pick Up Artist, and then found himself much better suited as Life Coach. His articles are rather crass and vulgar, but they're funny and make some very good points. They've been very helpful to me in buiding my own boundaries, and it might be a good starting point for researching them for yourself; which I would suggest.

And just remember: It's not your job to save the world, or other people, or anyone other than yourself. Self-care doesn't make anybody a monster, it just makes them Awesome.

:hug::hug: