General Is He Doing The Same With Me As He Did With Her?

[Lidia]

@Junebug - If you don't mind me asking, why you do not 'do' receiving gifts very well? Would you be willing to share how receiving gifts feels for you? That would help me a lot. He said that he feels deeply unworthy of gifts. They remind him of his childhood, when his father would go on and on about how there is no money. So, when he got gifts for Christmas, he would feel sick with guilt. That is how my gift made him feel, he said.

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw @Lidia I'm sorry you go through that. :(

I think unconditional acceptance or the like wouldn't make him clam up more, but you can't make him reveal what he will not or feels 'never' ready to. 'Never' may change however.

It sounds like he has a trigger to receiving gifts, as he has explained. That is a bit like starting an avalanche of emotions. For myself, 'deeply unworthy' is a good choice of (his) words. But I learned it's selfish to react that way to the person giving, for their feelings.

 

[Lidia]

@Junebug , he is slowly slowly opening up to me. Very slowly, though. That is what gives me hope. For example, I have not been invited to his place yet but last time we spoke he said that it would be his turn to cook (meaning to cook for me at his place. Normally I cook for him at my place). So I guess that will be progress. He is also slowly starting to share something very personal to him with me, which is his music (he composes and plays).

As for the gifts, he is accepting smaller gifts but I guess this one was a bit much to take. So I suppose I will have to gradually get him comfortable with accepting gifts. I just want to make him happy and I am only trying to get him to understand that he is worthy of things. He really is a precious soul. However, if that produces the opposite result, I have no problem stopping...but only if it makes it worse for him over time.

 

[Pencil]

For how long have you known him? Why haven't you been to his place? How often does he visit Mom, and for how long?

 

[Lidia]

Hi @Pencil , I have known him 6 months exactly today. Got together with him four and a half months ago. It all happened in a flash, love at first sight, you may say (never happened to me before and neither to him, according to what he says).

I asked him why I haven't been to his place and he said things such as "it is not good enough to have you there", "I have to become better at cooking first", but fundamentally admitted that it is down to his issues...

He normally hides away every weekend and once a month spends these at his Mum's, helping her out with house maintenance.

The funny thing is that I know the girl he was seeing before me was going to his house and he was doing things with her (holidays, some social occasions, etc.). It seems that his being shy is only with me...

Why do you ask?

 

[Tanishq]

He has been saying that even a kind word cripples him now.

Lidia, I agree with other people here. He clearly issues with receptivity which is why he can't receive good things from outside when it comes to him.

This might be major issue for him. Ask him what makes him harder to receive good things? may be that can lead you to root of his issues.

 

[Lidia]

@Tanishq , he did explain very well why...he knows he carries a deep amount of unhealthy guilt as well. He feels responsible for the fact that his fiance' of many year ago died in the car crash that he survived (plus the issues from his childhood). He has had a disproportionate amount of misfortune in life but blames himself for it all. It is a terrible weight to carry. At least he has conceded that he has issues with guilt and that he needs to work on that. Hopefully in time he will accept to see a therapist. But right now he cannot face talking about the accident...he says it is still too painful, many years on...that scares me...

 

[Tanishq]

Lidia, it seems you have pretty much figured out. Now it is just the moment he starts to go on his healing path. I know it won't be easy.

Such terrible weight can take so much time to process and heal. I do have several guilts and wounds. They are very painful to deal with. I expect to take 6-7 years to deal with it myself. I am trying to tell you that you are going in right direction. Accepting his issues are enough to begin healing.

 

[NovemberStar]

Firstly, he went straight from one relationship (his ex) to another (you), with no break in-between? Secondly, he has PTSD - is he actively seeking treatment? Even if he is, it is a mental illness - we are not whole people when we are in the midst of PTSD - heck most 'normal' people struggle with relationships and have many ups and downs. Throw a major mental illness into the mix, things are bound to not be too pretty for quite a bit.

I agree with @RussH - if he rebounded form one relationship to another and gets easily restless when in one, then chances are he is looking for something that is missing, and is trying to find it IN another person.

If you two are 'meant to be together' then it will work out - in the meantime, why not have a break form each other - give him space and time to sort himself out, to focus all his energy of getting better, and getting well. If you are 'meant to be' there is the rest of your lives to 'be together' after all - a separation, be it a few weeks, months or even longer - won't matter in the long run if it means you have a stronger relationship after it all.[DOUBLEPOST=1400315887,1400315823][/DOUBLEPOST]Firstly, he went straight from one relationship (his ex) to another (you), with no break in-between? Secondly, he has PTSD - is he actively seeking treatment? Even if he is, it is a mental illness - we are not whole people when we are in the midst of PTSD - heck most 'normal' people struggle with relationships and have many ups and downs. Throw a major mental illness into the mix, things are bound to not be too pretty for quite a bit.

I agree with @RussH - if he rebounded form one relationship to another and gets easily restless when in one, then chances are he is looking for something that is missing, and is trying to find it IN another person.

If you two are 'meant to be together' then it will work out - in the meantime, why not have a break form each other - give him space and time to sort himself out, to focus all his energy of getting better, and getting well. If you are 'meant to be' there is the rest of your lives to 'be together' after all - a separation, be it a few weeks, months or even longer - won't matter in the long run if it means you have a stronger relationship after it all.

 

[Tanishq]

heck most 'normal' people struggle with relationships and have many ups and downs.

I agree with this, ptsd or not people have issues to take care.

 

[NovemberStar]

And I very much believe, that when we are sick and struggling with our symptoms, we owe it to OURSELVES to PUT ourselves first and foremost. If we cannot be whole within ourselves, how can we possibly begin to be whole with another being? Sometimes it's very necessary to focus all our energies on getting better; on managing our symptoms, immersing ourselves in therapy and doing all we can to active stability.

If someone was very sick with cancer - like PTSD, is potentially life threatening - would it make sense for that person with cancer to enter a relationship and work on being with someone else if they are not even getting any treatment for their illness?

 

[Pencil]

I know the girl he was seeing before me was going to his house and he was doing things with her (holidays, some social occasions, etc.). It seems that his being shy is only with me...
Why do you ask?

Please ignore / forgive me if I read things into the situation that aren't there, but:

What you are describing does not seem to have anything to do with PTSD, I read nothing that indicates PTSD symptoms. All of what you wrote point to me in one direction only: he is two-timing.