Is It Excusable For A Therapist To Not Discuss The Patient's Memories If There Are Too Many?

[Tei-Saji]

I've been bullied chronically in high school, and as a result, have many bad memories.

When I started going to sessions with my therapist, we would always talk about keeping the memories under control, to gain power over them. She would sometimes talk about how my day was, irrelevant to my memories. When I told her that talking about my memories with my mother feels good, she said to do more of that. And if I ever had to disclose a memory, she would admonish, "talk about it without the gruesome details." Does she not have time or the energy for my memories? Does she think I'm unfixable because there are far too many experiences to discuss than there is time in the world? I admit, though, that when I do talk about my memories, I feel really exhausted.

 

[Chava]

Talking about good experiences helps us feel resourced or stronger, and less overwhelmed or exhausted. Talking about all the bad memories too much, or too quickly, can cause flooding. This is where I'd risk backsliding or a load of nightmares. I can't know for sure but I wonder if your therapist is trying to help you process memories slowly so you aren't triggered (and maybe also working on your therapy connection and creating safety for the work). ??

 

[ellienad]

I agree with @Chava , I was actually writing a similar response. If you are still early on in your therapy, this would make sense. Especially if your therapist is still getting to know you.

 

[Tei-Saji]

Well, the truth is, we've known each other for about three years.

But it's only just last year November that we began work on my condition.

 

[NovemberStar]

In what context have you known her for 3 years? You mean she wasn't your T then and you knew her socially?

 

[munkinmama]

I have been seeing my therapist since 2008 and I am now getting a bit comfortable talking about what happened to me. I am grateful that my therapist did not push my like the others I have had over the years and I have been in therapy since I was 17 so 20 years.

I will share my experience where I was pushed into sharing it was horrible I started to have a panic attack right in the therapists office all I could say was " I can't I just cant do not want to relive the horror" The therapist kept pushing telling me that I could handle it and if I did not deal with what happened to me it would haunt me, Truth be told I felt re victimized again.

After that appointment it took me days to recover. The only advise I can give is you know yourself better then anyone trust you gut if you feel you are ok then talk about what happened and if not then do not. If you feel you are ready talk to your therapist communication is key this is your life. I can only guess that your therapist does not want to upset to much setting you over the edge but then again I am not your therapist.

 

[Tei-Saji]

She was my T three years ago, but it was only two years after that I developed PTSD, and about seven months since we started on it.

 

[NovemberStar]

Phew - I admit I was a little worried you might have been friends previously or something similar. I agree with the others about emotional flooding. I also think it's important you say how you feel about her asking you to slow down / not give 'gruesome' details - if my T put it like that I'd feel incredibly ashamed and feel like she didn't want to know because SHE found it too hard to hear.

My previous T asked me to 'stop' bringing her my art therapy - her view was that there were 'too many' memories - that it would be endless; and drawing about them / talking about them would keep me stuck.

I now know those memories were flashbacks, and yes - more and more were triggered by drawing / talking about them BUT I needed to do so. I needed the time and space to be able to make sense of them and what they were and meant.

At the time I felt very shut down and it hurt to be told that. Now I have a T that encourages me to process whatever memories I have and I don't think she'd say they are 'too many'. Guess it depends on what approach yr T uses. I'd encourage y to check it out with her - is she of the belief it's NEVER helpful to go through the details? Ie, that doing so, that 're-living' painful traumatic memories keeps you stuck? Or is she approaching it like the others suggest, it's more about avoiding you becoming overwhelmed, and she does plan to help you talk them all through?

Personally I don't agree with my last Ts approach. For me, I need to be able to bring up all memories no matter how painful or repetitive. Far from keeping me stuck, having the freedom to talk to my T about anything leaves me feeling someone gives a shit about my experiences.

 

[Tei-Saji]

I'd encourage y to check it out with her - is she of the belief it's NEVER helpful to go through the details? Ie, that doing so, that 're-living' painful traumatic memories keeps you stuck? Or is she approaching it like the others suggest, it's more about avoiding you becoming overwhelmed, and she does plan to help you talk them all through?

I don't know about her beliefs about these memories. From my meetings with her, she is of mindset that "the root of the problem is in its symptoms," and she tells me to control these symptoms. I don't know her current partisan on my memories or whether she plans to talk about them. I might ask her this Saturday.

 

[Justmehere]

I think maybe most trauma therapists would say the root of the symptoms is in the unresolved/unprocessed trauma. I think the good trauma therapists highly value pacing doing trauma work. Trauma therapy doesn't always feel good. Symptoms related to trauma can be managed and contained by focusing on what feels good to think about and remember, but ignored trauma has a way of continuing to resurface.

I think maybe many general therapists have the same view as your therapist, and she's not totally out of line. It's a very good skill to have solidly in place to be able to think on good things and put the trauma work away - it's good to had that skill before diving deep into painful trauma or even exposure therapy type of work to triggers. But just having that skill may not be enough for some people and some PTSD symptoms.

 

[NovemberStar]

I don't know about her beliefs about these memories. From my meetings with her, she is of mindset that "the root of the problem is in its symptoms," and she tells me to control these symptoms. I don't know her current partisan on my memories or whether she plans to talk about them. I might ask her this Saturday.

I definitely would - and maybe others have their wisdom on this but I personally feel very strongly that it would be unhelpful for processing trauma memories if your T is in the mindset of NOT talking about the details.

I know there is a school of thought that says it makes our trauma 'worse' to 'process' it but I think for the majority of us, it's what we need to do.

If your T is not a good match for you / not specialised in trauma then way better to find this out now and change, than further down the track.

Many T's CLAIM to 'have experience' in 'dealing with trauma' (like my previous T) but are NOT specialised in trauma care and therapy.

My former T was lovely and had done a lot of her OWN trauma work but when it came to helping me with my PTSD she really did not know what she was doing. She may have 'had experience' counselling people with trauma but she was not experienced at all in helping me process it. She wasn't able to tell me what I was experiencing (in her office) were panic attacks. She did not know what I was describing to her were flashbacks . How could she help me really if she wasn't able to tell me that was what I was experiencing? It was only months later, and working with my new T I was able to realise THAT is what was happening.

It's so super important to get a T who has more than 'experience' with trauma therapy.

 

[Hashi]

From my meetings with her, she is of mindset that "the root of the problem is in its symptoms," and she tells me to control these symptoms.

To me, this is really problematic. And also a symptom (aha!) of seeing a therapist who is not a trauma specialist.

Sorry, but I can't agree with your therapist's view. I would have wished that she could recognise her limitations with trauma work/training/experience and have advised you to see someone who was more appropriate, give the circumstances. This is the advice I would give you - see someone more trained and experienced with trauma.

Your therapist's mindset is the reason why I say this. I'm not a believer of harsh exposure therapy, or of discussing every aspect of trauma. But to to see the root of the problem as symptoms is... a very strange viewpoint, to me, and one that would personally make me move away from this therapist to someone who understands better and has more appropriate knowledge.