Undiagnosed Is It Likley That I Have Ptsd?

[MarryTheNight]

Hey everyone,

So I am completely new to this so bare with me.

I am 19yo and between that ages of 11 and 18 I have had cancer 3 times, the last being removed in a massive operation that left me being on a ventilator in an ICU for over a week. This was only about 2-3 months ago. Anyway I am completely fine now but mentally not so well.

For the past 3 or so years I have been disgusted in what I had, I can't even say the word cancer out loud and even typing it is so hard. I find I will be out in public and all of a sudden I'll smell something that instantly gives me flash backs of being in hospital and I often have to leave whatever I'm doing and go home to just break down and cry. I have missed so many days in school because of this. Also I hate when things like relay for life or daffodil day happen because I just cant stand to hear about it and it's like they're screaming it at me, it everywhere on the tv, at bus stops, everywhere.

Although I hate it so much I also can't stop thinking about it, I have about 4 massive scars at least 30cm on my body to remind me of it everyday. People ask me what I want to do with my life and I don't know how to respond because I can't think of doing anything because I'm sure its going to come back a fourth time and ruin everything again, maybe even kill me this time.

I guess I feel a bit emotionally numb as well, like for no reason at all I'll just be really bitchy and mean to my family and my mum says to me "don't you feel bad for acting this way"? and I think to myself, I know what I'm doing is wrong and mean but I really just feel nothing at all. I know its ridiculous but I find myself treating my mum really badly because even though I know its not her fault at all, I blame her for giving birth to me so I'v had to live through this shit.

I hear about little kids who die from this and I'v made friends with other sufferers who I all of a sudden realize they haven't replied to my message is because they have died.


I know I should be grateful to be alive, and I am, but sometimes I really wish my life could of gone to a little girl named Ruby who I met in hospital who was the most beautiful little thing and so full of life, and who's life was stolen. I don't know why I survived but half the time I really wished I didn't.



Thanks everyone for your thoughts, appreciate it xo

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

No-one here could say if you have PTSD or not, we are not professionals. I would suggest you go and talk to your doctor and ask for a referral.

In the meantime, look around the forum as there is great information to be found as well as support and friendship.

Wishing you peace.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

I am very sorry you are feeling that way and going through all that. I would try to find a psychologist to talk too and help you move through your feelings.

Take care. :)

 

[lighteningdarkness]

Hi Marry, welcome.
Sorry to hear you're struggling so much. I would agree with KP, no-one here can really tell you, although some of us may read what you write and think of our own symptoms. I do hope though that reading people's posts and the other info will help you. Thanks for introducing yourself and not just lurking!

I'm sure if you were able to speak to your GP, or cancer support, or go online and contact Mind they wouldn't be surprised at how you're feeling and what you're experiencing. You've been through a lot from the sound of it, don't feel you have to do this alone, hope you can possibly have the above conversation with someone in the real world too?

Wishing you all the best

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

 

[Lucycat]

Hi MarryTheNight, and welcome to the forum.

KP is right that you need a professional to diagnose PTSD. Seeing as you have had so many medical and surgical interventions you are probably sick of seeing doctors. But they are not just there for the physical problems, but the emotional/psychological ones too.

You have been through a lot. More than most people of your age. You must be incredibly strong to have got through it all, although it may not feel like that just now.

Whether or not you have PTSD, you are clearly struggling. Please seek out some help for that. You don't need to suffer alone, and I am sure your family members simply don't see it from your perspective. Why would they? They have not walked in your shoes.

I am not sure which country you are in, but here in the UK all oncology (Cancer) centres have counseling services attached.

Best wishes
Lucy x

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[anthony]

Welcome to PTSD Forum. What you describe fits the criteria for a "possible" diagnosis, however; as outlined already, you need professional diagnostic assessment to determine whether you have it or not. You could simply have anxiety and depression based on what you've suffered, which comes with flashbacks, nightmares, etc. You could have PTSD... a professional assessment will determine that.